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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
What Prolongs Our Heartbreak
Heartbreak sucks. I don’t know how to do this. The idea of being with him seemed fine, but now I’m overwhelmed. I don’t understand why I keep reaching for my phone, waiting for a message that isn’t coming. No matter how much I love you, it’s not enough to make you stay. I keep replaying every stupid little moment in my mind.
When we go through heartbreak, we experience an immense sense of fear. It’s overwhelming to not only deal with the worst pain of our lives but also with the idea that this pain might never end. In today’s video, I want to talk about four things we do that prolong our heartbreak, making it feel never-ending. I’ll share how we can avoid these behaviors so that this tough time in your life can run its course in a healthy way.
The Reality of Heartbreak
Over the last 48 hours, my team and I discussed this topic, and we all agreed: heartbreak is just the worst. When you’re going through it, you often need to hear the perfect combination of words to feel better in the moment. However, I know that what you probably don’t want is advice. If you’re in the most acute stage of heartbreak, you need a reminder that heartbreak is universal.
It’s something we all experience at some point in our lives. While it can feel isolating—like you don’t exist in the same world as everyone else—the truth is that heartbreak connects us. So, if you are heartbroken right now, know that you are not alone.
1. Avoiding the Pain of Heartbreak
The first thing we do that prolongs our heartbreak is avoid feeling the pain. Think about it: when someone breaks up with us and we truly wanted to be with that person, the pain can be so overwhelming that we do anything to numb it.
I have firsthand experience with this. In many of my heartbreaks, I avoided feeling the pain. I moved on quickly, found someone else, and numbed myself. I pushed away my discomfort instead of connecting with my pain.
Instead of confronting the reality of our emotions, we do one of two things: we displace our pain or we distract ourselves. Displacement often leads to confusion: How could they say they wanted to spend their lives with me, then choose to leave? We replay moments, looking for signs that would clarify the situation, believing it’s easier to be confused than to just accept heartbreak.
The second thing we do is distract. We throw ourselves into work, relationships, or even substances like alcohol, avoiding the deepest pain we feel. But when we don’t confront our grief, it remains, lurking beneath the surface.
A Bit of Unattended Grief
David, our producer, mentioned the idea of “a bit of unattended grief,” which is like an ancient and unstoppable force that could emerge at any moment, symbolizing our deepest fears: loneliness, unworthiness, and undesirability. When someone tells us they don’t want to be with us anymore, it triggers this fear.
You may have experienced this before; you avoid your grief and find yourself overwhelmed by emotions when a song or a movie suddenly reminds you of what you’ve lost. David Kessler, a grief expert, describes this as unattended grief.
The truth is, the more we push feelings away, the bigger they get. If we can learn to sit with our emotions and take time to acknowledge them, we can begin to heal.
The Stories We Replay in Our Heads
When we experience heartbreak, the narratives we replay can be complex and contradictory. We ask ourselves why they said they loved us, only to end things abruptly. It’s often a simple belief at the core of our heartbreak: that we aren’t good enough.
I remember feeling crushed and standing with a friend. After a couple of weeks of discussing the breakup stories, I finally admitted my truth: “This whole thing has just made me feel like I’m not good enough.” Saying that out loud brought tears to both of us and created a moment of connection.
The Route to Feeling Better
Many of us avoid our feelings because we fear that if we confront them, we won’t be okay. Yet, the truth is simpler than that. It’s like dealing with tension in a muscle. When you go to a physiotherapist, they tell you to breathe through the pain; that’s where healing happens.
In order to heal, we need to give ourselves space to feel. Dr. Kessler once said that many people worry they’ll never stop crying when they start. I have sat with thousands of people, and they all eventually stop crying. Allowing ourselves to feel our pain does not mean living in it twenty-four-seven. It means giving ourselves moments to let it out.
Sitting in Our Authentic Pain
Dr. Kessler emphasized that we must create space for authentic pain. Our families may not teach us the best ways to heal from heartbreak, and bad advice from friends can keep us in a cycle of pain. For 17 years, I’ve studied how to process heartbreak and heal.
This month, I want us to spend time together if you’re experiencing heartbreak. Mark February 25th in your diary for a live event I’m hosting called “Heal from Heartbreak.” No matter where you are in the world, this is relevant for anyone dealing with heartbreak, whether recent or past.
2. Remove the Things That Remind Us of Them
The second thing to avoid is keeping reminders of the person you are trying to heal from. Once a relationship ends, objects around us become painful reminders. Instead of being joyful mementos, they turn into artifacts of a relationship that is no longer there.
Dr. Nas described these reminders as triggers that ignite cravings for the person and subsequent withdrawal. We need to be ruthless and remove these triggers.
I even wrote about this in my new book. Trash anything that reminds you of your ex. Change their name in your phone, so you don’t feel pangs of hope every time a message pops up.
3. Be Disciplined With Our Thoughts
Point number three is about being disciplined with our thoughts. It’s easy for our minds to drag us back to unproductive memories, creating an emotional hamster wheel that keeps us stuck.
Dr. Guy Winch, a psychologist who specializes in breakups, explains that while thinking things through can be productive, it can easily slip into rumination. We need to learn to distinguish helpful thoughts from unproductive ones. If your thoughts are simply circling back to the same painful questions without providing insight, then they are not serving you.
It’s vital to break that cycle by recognizing when you’re replaying old narratives. Instead of following intrusive thoughts, force yourself to stop and redirect your mind.
4. Focusing on Ourselves
Finally, we need to avoid making the focus of our breakup about the other person instead of ourselves. A dear friend of mine recently went through a significant heartbreak. When I ask her about her feelings, she focuses on her experiences and growth rather than her ex.
We can talk about our ex to vent our frustrations, but eventually, we have to shift the focus back to ourselves. The moment someone decides they don’t want to be with us, they cease to be a part of our lives. You’re the hero in your story.
We must recognize that we are capable of loving intensely, and that’s beautiful. Even before we met our ex, we were yearning for love and connection. Removing the fixation on the person we lost allows us to focus on ourselves and our healing.
When we gather on February 25th, we won’t focus on your ex. We’ll talk about you—the hero of this story. I’m excited to help you through this journey. If you’ve been following along and haven’t signed up yet, do it now.
Thank you for watching, and until then, take care of yourself.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
Blog → https://www.howtogettheguy.com/blog/ Facebook → https://facebook.com/CoachMatthewHussey Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/thematthewh… Twitter → https://twitter.com/matthewhussey ▼ Connect with Stephen ▼ Youtube → https://bit.ly/StephenHusseyYoutube Instagram → http://bit.ly/StephenHusseyIG
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