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Transcript provided by YouTube. Slightly edited with AI.
The Logic We Feed Ourselves
When someone tells us they aren’t ready or aren’t looking for a serious relationship right now, it puts us in a challenging predicament—especially if we really like the person. When we feel connected to someone, they may seem like exactly the person we’ve been looking for. But the snag is that they’re not in the same place as us.
In this video, I want to talk about five mindset shifts that can help you navigate this situation. Because no matter how ill-advised it may be to continue down a path with someone who says they don’t want a relationship, it’s still tough to take that advice. We tell ourselves things like, “Maybe they’ll change,” or “Maybe in a month they’ll feel differently.”
I know there have been times in my life when I didn’t want a relationship—until I met someone I really liked. So maybe that will happen, or maybe they’re just still getting over a past relationship and need help moving on. This logic we feed ourselves can be very compelling. That’s why these five mindset shifts are so important. I know how hard it is, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for finding it difficult to walk away. I really believe these mindsets will help.
By the way, before we dive in, don’t forget to like this video, subscribe to the channel, and hit the notification bell so you never miss a new video!
1. Is This Situation Really Equal?
The first mindset shift is to ask yourself, “Is the situation between me and this person really equal?”
What do I mean by that? One woman told me she was dating other people too, so it seemed like they were doing the same thing. But when I asked her, “Is it really equal?” she had to pause. Sure, she was seeing other people, so on the surface, she wasn’t just waiting around for him. But the reality was, she didn’t want to be dating others—she would have chosen to be with him exclusively if she could.
Meanwhile, he was dating other people because he genuinely wanted to. He had expressly said he wasn’t looking for a serious relationship and wanted to keep things casual. This wasn’t a situation where both people were on an even playing field. He had no intention of committing, while she was hoping he would eventually want a real relationship and was only dating others because he didn’t want to date her exclusively.
We have to be honest with ourselves about whether we’re on equal footing or if there’s a power imbalance. Are we telling ourselves a story that it’s okay because we’re doing the same thing? In her case, she was essentially settling for something she didn’t want, dating multiple people while hoping he would eventually want the same thing. He was doing exactly what he wanted with no risk, while all the risk was on her—risking her time and emotions under the assumption he might eventually change his mind.
2. Being Honest About the Risk
The second mindset shift comes from being honest about the risks. What’s the real risk if we’re waiting around, hoping that one day they’ll want a relationship with us?
There’s the risk of lost time. What if you date this person for another year, hoping they’ll change, and they don’t? What if a year from now, they’re the same person with the same lack of intentions? How will you feel about having spent a year of your time on this?
One interesting thing this person told me was, “If I cut him off and stop seeing him, I’ll still be thinking about him. So is there really any risk to staying?” The logic is, “If I stay, I’ll still be thinking about him, but at least there’s a chance something will happen.”
You can see how we twist logic to justify staying in a comfortable situation, hoping it will get better instead of letting it go. The problem with that logic is, yes, if she left, she would think about him for a time. But if she kept moving forward in life and allowed herself to heal, she would eventually move on. If she stayed, there would be no end to the pain. She’d keep thinking of him because she would keep him in her life.
Both choices involve pain, but one offers the possibility of moving on and finding someone who actually wants the same things. The other leads to perpetual pain.
There’s also the risk of investing time in someone who eventually chooses someone else. How many of us have waited for someone, thinking all our time and effort would pay off, only to find they get serious with someone they met just three weeks ago?
In her situation, the risk wasn’t just that he might never want a relationship; it was also the possibility that even if he did, he might choose someone else. How will you feel if you invest all this time hoping to be the one he chooses, only for him to choose someone else? Think about the resentment, bitterness, regret, and anger that could build up—not just toward them but also toward yourself.
3. They Have to Be Present to See Your Value
The third mindset shift is crucial: If someone isn’t being intentional and is dating other people, it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for them to truly see your worth.
Why? Because seeing your worth requires presence. They have to truly connect with who you are, with what you’re offering, and with the values you represent. They need to be fully engaged in the connection you’re building. But if someone is casually dating without any intention and seeing multiple people, they’re likely never connecting deeply with anyone.
Let’s do an experiment: Imagine I set up five TVs in your living room, each playing a great movie. If I asked you afterward which was your favorite and why, you probably wouldn’t have a strong preference. Even if you did, it wouldn’t be a true connection to the movie’s value because you didn’t experience it fully. Your attention was spread too thin.
That’s what it’s like when someone is casually dating multiple people—they can’t truly appreciate your story, your character, your unique value.
Now, there is a time at the beginning of dating when someone might date multiple people. I don’t want to oversimplify this. On the first date, it’s fine if they have another date lined up. We have to be careful with our own investment and decide how much we want to give. It’s not necessarily a judgment on them; it’s about being clear on what we’re comfortable with.
When someone tells you they’re not in the market for a serious relationship, it’s a sign that they’re not being intentional. However, it’s not necessarily wrong for someone to date other people when they first meet you. But at some point, the window for choosing needs to close. If it’s four or five months into dating, and they still want to date others, that’s a sign their window has elapsed. They should know enough by now to be ready to give a real relationship a chance.
If they’re not willing to do that, don’t convince yourself that giving them more time will change their mind. The best chance you have at them seeing your value and realizing they want a relationship with you is to leave. When you leave, they might realize your worth because they’ve lost it.
4. The Best Chance of Them Seeing Your Value
The fourth mindset shift is understanding that all the risk lies in staying, while all the opportunity lies in leaving. If you leave, you open yourself up to people who are actually ready for a real relationship. If someone tells you they’re not looking for anything serious, believe them. Everyone else still represents a possibility, while they have already told you there’s none.
Even if you want things to work out with this person, leaving is your best shot at them seeing your value. Leaving shows them that you have standards and are willing to uphold them, regardless of how attractive or charismatic they might be.
Leaving isn’t just about finding someone better; it’s also your best chance at this person realizing they want a relationship with you.
5. “Is This What I’ve Held Out For?”
The fifth and final mindset shift is to ask yourself, “Is this what I’ve held out for?” Think about all the difficult times you’ve been through in your love life. Did you hold out through those moments just for this?
It’s essential to consider whether the situation you’re in aligns with what you truly want and deserve. If it doesn’t, it might be time to move on and open yourself up to better possibilities.
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This post was previously published on YouTube.
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