Let me tell you a quick story.
There is a guy I know who was in an on-and-off relationship with his now ex-girlfriend.
They were best friends and had a great connection when things were going well.
On the flip side, when things weren’t going well, you could swear they never liked each other.
He would beg and plead for her to talk to him about getting back together, and she would block all communication.
He would go to the lengths of sending her a Venmo for 0.01$ since she had to block him on every other platform.
They never truly worked on themselves during their “off” cycles, so what do you think happened? Eventually, it became toxic, and they ended for good.
That guy I am telling you about was me two years ago.
For those of you who are done cringing or were nodding your head cause the situation sounded familiar, it’s because it always is.
Your breakup or current situation is more common than you think.
“It’s different.” “But we also did this.” “We lived together.” Scrap it all.
You need a system in place so this never happens again, and if it does, you will know how to move on with grace and your head held high.
So, I am going to give it to you.
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Trust fall
I’ll break some news to you that some men don’t know.
When a girl breaks up with you, she already had it planned for weeks, if not months.
That shocking surprise to you or the “argument that ended it” was already well thought out in her head.
The best thing you can do, I PROMISE YOU, is to fall back and not fight it with one ounce of your energy.
Begging, pleading, and pandering will only push her further away.
“Tunde, how do I get closure?”
“(Insert your name), I no longer want to be with you.” She already gave it to you.
Do you want to know the best thing you can say to a girl during a breakup?
“I understand, and if you think about it and change your mind, let me know.”
There is no conversation, no love letter, no reminding her of the good times.
When you hit her with that line, it is the opposite of what she expects.
It doesn’t matter how you twist it. When someone breaks up with you, they think they’re better than you.
The man who falls back and doesn’t validate that thought will have her questioning herself to some degree.
The man who can walk away shows that he has value and is attractive enough to find another partner and move on.
The earth is flat
The following action is a vital step and is where most men fail.
She needs to think that you fell off the face of the earth.
That’s right. No contact. No communication. No last text. No looking at her Instagram. No show of “how well you’re doing without her” on yours. No contacting her friends for info. NONE OF IT.
Remember, this person broke up with you and wanted you out of their life.
Give them exactly what they asked for.
The key is not doing it out of spite. Giving a breakup is the most respectful thing you can do. Begging and pleading is the least respectful thing you can do for yourself.
No contact is not a manipulative game you use to get your ex back.
No contact is about getting yourself back and achieving your baseline mental state. Yes, there are more traumatic events, but a breakup is traumatic.
Do not contact your ex under any circumstance unless there are kids involved.
Turn the PlayStation off
Let’s simmer down for a second. I know how hard the message can come across that you cut off a life you built up with someone.
There is a reason for that.
It feels like you are fighting for the relationship and doing everything to prove your love to your ex.
*Take a deep breath*
What you’re really doing is trying to control the situation and subconsciously control your ex’s emotions.
You have to give up the idea that you can persuade someone who has told you they no longer want you in their life.
The truth is the more you push, the more they will have to stonewall to solidify their decision.
How can someone experience life without you when you don’t create the space?
There is something else that is happening.
You think your life has changed because of a void where your partner used to be.
Let’s highlight a couple of things.
You once had a life before them when they never existed at all.
What the hell are you doing with your free time when a woman is the center of your world, and without her, you have nothing but time on your hands?
You don’t miss the connection as much as you think you do. You emotionally connect to it. Let that go.
Think about a favorite pair of old shoes or clothing. You know they’re old, but you have an emotional connection to the comfort you have with them.
It’s the same thing.
Back to the basics
I am not even going to give this some lead in the header.
Go and get back to doing what you did before she ever existed. Now.
You had friends before she existed.
You had hobbies before she existed.
You had yourself before she existed.
Ok, so I won’t just give you the cookie-cutter line every coach on earth would tell you.
The message here is that you will spiral out if you don’t get things under control.
She can’t occupy your mind 24/7.
Do you want to know the most important thing you can do?
Be the best version of yourself when she comes back.
“Tunde, what if she doesn’t come back.”
100% of women come back. Maybe they don’t come back to the relationship, but they will always check in, compare you to “the new guy,” and see how you’re doing.
It’s in their nature. They have to know. I don’t care what any woman tells you. They ALWAYS check-in.
Give her something to see.
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Before we wrap up, ask yourself what’s so great about her.
I don’t want you to put her down but think about all the negative things and what makes her impossible to replace. (Nothing)
I was in your shoes, man. That story above isn’t fake.
You wouldn’t be reading my articles if I did not go through what I did. It became my “purpose” to learn where I went wrong. Now I can share it with you.
There is something you need to implement for the future, and to be honest most men haven’t done it.
Identify what you’re looking for and make an acronym.
Mine is SACK Selfless, Accountable, Caring, and Kind. If you see me in a relationship with a girl who doesn’t fit that profile, you have permission to slap me.
You know she’s not the end of the world. Give up control.
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here. or email me at [email protected]
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Chris Fuller on Unsplash
