For this young woman, 18, and her boyfriend, 22, living together has been bittersweet. A year into their dating, they plunged into living together in a small apartment last December. The apartment is so small it allows for nearly no storage space and makes living in an orderly manner basically impossible.
She was born into a Polish family, and cleanliness was just an afterthought expected; not only was it valued. Growing up in that kind of disciplined environment instilled a deep-seated need for order within her. Laziness for her family was a big sin, and she had always been motivated to keep her surroundings immaculate. For her, a neat space means a serene mind, and clutter is one anxiety source.
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However, her boyfriend was brought up differently. He is not bothered by a little mess, which at times works to their advantage. Every time she is too stressed to clean and he’s perfectly fine with the apartment not being spotless. This difference in their tolerance of mess has, however, become a point of tension. She gets annoyed with trifles: not washing up, not putting clothes in their place, leaving crumbs on the floor. All this does not bother him at all.
What bothers her is her response to those moments. She’s not hung up on the germs; it really isn’t about that. It’s just the clutter that’s getting to her. She wants the counters clean, no dishes in the sink, and absolutely nothing out of place. In their small apartment, this level of tidiness was close to impossible to maintain, especially considering that both were struggling with mental health issues.
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This is because whenever she asks him to help her with something, it becomes frustrating: he is the procrastinator type, meaning that when he actually does do something, she has already done it herself. This generally opens old wounds from previous situations wherein his procrastination led to additional work for the both of them, like a buildup of dishes to an unbearable point.
They have talked about this many times in order to find some kind of balance; she knows her need to keep a space completely clean somehow relates to her upbringing, but it is not easy to leave all these habits behind. Even though it is not a big mess, it is somehow perceived as a sort of personal failure, and she does not know how to stand the anxiety which covers her. He does not understand how a couple of crumbs or some missing socks can become such a big issue.
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It’s where she could think about how these issues could be resolved, how to step away from trauma that made her hyper-aware of clutter. She’d like to know how one learns to live with some squalor, to accept a lived-in in-space is never going to be picture-perfect. It’s a hard journey because her love for cleanliness conflicts with her love for her boyfriend, who just doesn’t see things that way.
She realizes it might be not in the changes of habits that her boyfriend has to go through but finding a meeting point where both can feel comfortable. Maybe, it is to learn to live with the fact that one’s home, especially the one shared with someone you love, really doesn’t have to be flawless. Or perhaps, it is coming to terms with the understanding that love is not measured by clean counters but how well you can come through these differences.
She finally wants to find her peace in the thought that a little mess is acceptable, so long as one can stay in harmony with their loved one.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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