On failing to cope.
Sam DeSilva has been blogging about PTSD since being caught in the 2004 tsunami in Southeast Asia. More of his writing can be found here.
I’m really struggling. I can’t stop crying. I’m so tired of all of this, I don’t think this pain will ever leave me.
It’s been over 5 years since that Christmas holiday to Sri Lanka which triggered the trauma of everything that I had managed to control or repress from the tsunami and the abortion. Leaving Thailand and returning to Sri Lanka to where it all really fell apart in such nightmarish way has been brutal.
I feel so alone. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be “normal” and get back the things that I took for granted before that Christmas holiday, apart from my mate Matt, I don’t really have any friends anymore. I’ve spent every Christmas of this decade on my own.
I’m scared because I don’t think I’ll ever able reconnect with all the friends and family that I lost, or ever feel close or trust someone enough to fall in love again and have a family of my own. I always wanted kids…
I’ve driven away all the friends and family I had. The one person I that I trusted more than anyone else in the world tried her best to send me to jail rather than fight to help me get the treatment that I had been denied by the NHS.
I can’t believe it all really happened. I wish I could go back to being a teacher again. It’s all I ever really wanted to be. I don’t want to cry anymore. It kills me that I cause my mother so much pain. She’s the one person who has supported me and wouldn’t give up on me. I don’t blame anyone else apart from myself, I just wish the NHS and Police would have given me a fair chance. I’m so tired of the flashback of freaking out being terrified while having flashbacks and genuinely panicking in custody while everyone just ignoring my pleas for help and how the events of that night unnecessarily destroyed my chance of a real recovery.
My PTSD treatment should have only been just about the tsunami and what happened in the hospitals + plus how the death of the distant family in Sri Lanka affected me, once I realised what had happened after I returned to London. Not the 14 hours of being remanded in custody while being belittled by police staff and doctors, and the trauma of my futile attempts of trying to complain and explain what really happened to the police.
I wish I could get this under control. I don’t feel like I have a home anymore, I just live out of my pack with no real possession apart from a camera, iPhone, and MacBook. Despite the two university degrees, the most significant achievement of my career is a criminal record. Which is so painful to reflect upon because of how it came about. I would have never hurt anyone. She was my best mate, I’ll never forget how I was described in court. I never had a chance to defend myself.
I just want to go back to London, but I’ve honestly got nowhere to stay. My parents are both sick and struggle to cope themselves. I just exacerbate everything. I only left London because I had nowhere to stay. It’s easier being away from everyone and not causing trouble for people that I love, than them having to deal with my self-destructiveness.
I should feel grateful that I survived and I have a chance to help others, but it’s not always that easy when you have to live with the guilt of surviving and dealing with all those who died. I’m so tired of this. I wish I could make this stop, but despite the tsunami and the breakup being years ago it still feels so present.
My dreams have become really messed up again. I can’t deal with the abortion and finding the dead pregnant girl in the tsunami, everything’s so interconnected. I threw up again this morning as soon as I woke up after having such fucked up dreams about the abortion and finding that girl dead. I wish it was me instead of her and her baby. What sort of “god” could just sit by and let that happen? That mother and her baby never had a chance.
I’ve let down everyone I have ever loved and cared for. I can’t believe how shite my life has turned out. I should be stronger, but I’m so tired of this, I don’t want to live with this shame anymore.