This Is Why Self-Improvement Is Doing More Harm Than Good

Constant self-improvement comes from believing you need to be more, have more and do more to be good enough.

You tell yourself that if you could make more money, lose weight, or find your perfect partner, you would feel better about yourself.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself, but when you are doing it from a place of not being enough as you currently are, it can be of detrimental effect to your current low self-esteem.

We continuously turn to self-help books and articles to make us feel better, but they often make us feel worse.

Be more

Change, be more like the authors of the self-help books, and be a better parent, lover, and friend. Be that person that does everything she can to get what she wants and want a lot.

You’re not enough as you are, so you turn to self-help gurus for the answer to how YOU can feel enough. But the information they share is generalised; it isn’t tailored to suit your lifestyle, preferences and commitments.

You compare yourselves to others you think are enough and try to emulate their lifestyles and choices. But the information they share is what works for them. There’s no certainty it will work for you.

When you put effort into the strategies they share and do not get the results they promise, it makes you feel even worse than before. It compounds the belief that you’re not good enough and can’t do anything right.

Be you

Focus on being the best person you can be. Some days this may mean being supermum, and some may include sitting down with a glass of wine and watching reality TV. Recognise that YOU are enough, just as you are, and the only way to “improve” is to be more you.

Do more

We can carry a lot of expectations on our shoulders. We are constantly trying to do more to prove what great people we are. We share our homemade meals, successes, blooming gardens, and spotless homes to get confirmation, by way of likes and “well done”, that we are enough.

We have a jam-packed daily routine, which includes self-care, going out with the girls, working on our side hustles, baking for the community and hoovering three times a day. We can’t possibly sit down and do nothing because our self-worth is tied up in what we do.

Our gurus and role models tell us to work out what we want and go for it, insinuating that where and who we currently are isn’t enough.

Maybe my little house that I love coming home to isn’t enough? Perhaps I should be doing more to earn more money to get a bigger one. Maybe that will make me feel better about myself.

After reading the books, doing the exercises, and still feeling that we need to improve, we conclude that we are not doing enough journalling, reflection, and mindset work. We are weak and a failure because we stay within our comfort zones and do not push past our fear.

Do you

The only thing you should be doing more of is YOU. You do you. Forget what the books tell you, focus on doing whatever makes your heart sing.

Have more

Earn six figures, own a big house and an SUV car, have a better figure, a better haircut, perfect nails and teeth, have a holiday home, and have a 10-foot Christmas tree. You look at others that have all these things with their smiley faces, picture-perfect home and 2.4 kids and presume they must be content. They have it all.

They may well be happy, grateful and loving life which is great. But these things may not make you happy, and life is rarely all cheesy grins and restaurant-quality homemade dauphinoise potatoes. We all have ups and downs.

When we compare ourselves to snaps of other people’s lives, even our friends and family, we tend to focus on what they have that we don’t. We are seeking confirmation of our belief that we are not as good as them because we don’t have what they have. It’s the way we work. Our brains are wired to filter in information that backs up our thoughts and beliefs.

It’s completely normal to want nice stuff. But, the wanting should come from your heart, not your head. Things don’t mend limiting beliefs. Only new, updated beliefs can do that.

Self-help loves to tell you that you can have anything you want, insinuating that you should want more. When you constantly fail to obtain these things, you think you are doing something wrong.

For you

Buy things FOR YOU, not for social media posts, to keep up with your friends, or to fill that nagging hole of low self-esteem inside of you.

What things make you smile from the inside? How can these things enhance YOUR life? Go for what YOU want — whether that’s a small, eco-car that is cheap to run (because you enjoy saving money and don’t look after your car) or a big 4×4 SUV (because you love driving and enjoy the comfort and space it offers).

Your possessions do not make you YOU. Your heart, values, morals, preferences and perfect imperfections do.

Self-help can be beneficial

Self-help books and articles can help if you are coming from a place of already being, having and doing enough. They provide the odd bit of advice that encourages, inspires and motivates you to take action to build on the wonderful person you already are.

When you are reading self-help without needing them to provide answers, you can approach them with curiosity. “That sounds interesting. I wonder how that could work for me”. There are no conditions or expectations, just opportunities. You don’t need them to fix you.

We all naturally progress through life, so stop believing that you have to be improving 24/7.

You are enough just as you are. Let your heart lead the way on your self-improvement journey, not your head.

BE YOU DO YOU FOR YOU

If you are struggling to find love and appreciation for yourself, my previous article may be worth reading:

And, if you would like a weekly dose of inspiration and motivation and a boost of self-confidence and self-love straight into your inbox, please sign up for my newsletter: Rediscover You | Lisa Johnson | Substack

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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