This Is Why The Narcissist Is Always Going To Triangulate You

You Started Showing Up For Yourself

It happens when you begin standing up for yourself

This is when you start finally beginning to stand up for yourself (as many victims actually begin to do) and then realizing that this is the start of the end of the connection.

These are your first steps out of their life, even if you don’t see it that way yet. Remember, narcissists run on a script so they know when their current lead is about to take their own bows — on their own terms.

They’re angry about your ability to take back your control because it’s not only the initial indicator that the descent of the reationship has truly begun (now that it’s on your side),

there is likely someone else in their life they feel helpless around. Someone they still haven’t learned to speak up to. And here you are learning to speak up to them. Showing up for yourself.

It insults them and it hurt their feelings, because you did it and they can’t. You remind them that they are the true coward because no matter how much you were supposed to be afraid of them — you’re growing out of that now.

Now, it’s time for the narcissist to punish you for outgrowing them— while scrambling to get someone to get ready to take your place.

This turn of events was unexpected

They did not bank on your growth and they are actually icking themseves for inadvertently pushing you towards it. This is when the narcissist will begin hunting for a new supply or getting more serious with any backup supply they already have.

Narcissists have to find someone new who doesn’t know them as well, as you (and plenty others). Because it’s clear the storm is coming if they’ve started pushing even yo into combat mode with them. You were supposed to be afraid.

Please understand that this actually isn’t about your worth (it has nothing to do with that). Contrary to very popular belief, this has nothing to do with you at all. You are now being triangulated because the narcissist is in survival mode.

The Narcissist Needs To Devalue You

This is a key feature of their ‘reasoning’ process

They know they aren’t meeting your needs. They know you’re getting increasingly unhappy, but this time to the point you’re losing interest. You’re offering less supply, by choice now.

Remember this is a script they’re familiar with, even if you’re not. And by standing up for yourself, you have now taken your first steps out of their life. Even if you don’t see it that way yet, you’re getting bored of them and their ways.

It’s getting old, and even immature, and they will take this personally because they knew it was coming and this is when their abuse towards you will worsen. The disrespect and abuse you face during this stage comes from their idealization of the third party involved.

At this point, you are being resented by the narcissist for whatever it is about you that makes them feel adequate. As a result, they focus on the few aspects they actually do have over you:

• money
• employment
• looks
• skills

They take whatever you don’t have or do better than them, or something about you that doesn’t fit their mold, and they look for it in someone else. This is to find someone they deem “more valuable”, and the added bonus of hurting you. I’ll give you two examples:

1. In my last relationship, I chose to pursue my writing career, instead of a 9 to 5 job. As revenge, my ex began an affair with his co-worker, who of course had a job with benefits. You can read that story here.
2. My ex was also very misogynistic and he resented me for having short hair and dressing in sweats all the time — he also mocked the spiritual beliefs I had at the time. He purposely chose women who were the complete opposite of the very same features he downed me for.

They do this because they’ve convinced themselves to believe that you are the one who is deeply flawed — too flawed for them to be able to make it work with. As a result, the relationship cannot work.

Survival Mode Has Been Activated

Your triangulation is an emergency exit strategy

Think of the new supply as an active distress call from the narc’s ego. When you begin to stand up for yourself, they lose power. You have the audacity to place yourself above their authority — and therefore, above them — in their minds.

It wounds them because it’s you letting them know that they are no longer the excption to your boundaries. It’s a direct sign that you not only did something right, for yourself, but you also let the narcissist know that there’s a line they cannot cross with you — something they can’t get away with.

This will become a point of slander later on, so prepare for all the critiques they gave you to be heard by others, as the new supply is subtly introduced as this magical trinket — because that’s all it’s about, really.

This person is about to be “the one” because they would rather find a more vulnerable target than do the work of healing. They’d rather take your boundaries personal and make you out as toxic for having them.

Left or be left

As you too went in survival mode you naturally started backing up (grey rocking). This new suuply will give them the attention you’re about to stop giving them, they are filler supply.

This person is to hold them over, as you grow more and more fed up because they know that even if they want to change (and some actually do, seriously) they can’t for some reason.

I say “for some reason” because they just can’t accept (or believe) that the answer truly is, or could be them. That would hurt too much to know they are the sole reason they cannot remain loved.

They’re angry about your ability to take back your control because they haven’t mastered that skill, that’s why they rely on manipulation instead. They’re punks.

Despite the love you said you had for yournarcissist, you’ve shown them that you ultimately don’t love them more than you love yourself. Simply put, you won’t be a punk for them.

Now, you will be devalued because you are being smugly compared to whoever they’ve lined up to place above you before they replace you. You will be triangulated because they know you will leave them and therefore have to set up their security — and leave you first.

This isn’t about being petty, this is about guerilla warfare and them avoiding a perceived sneak attack, by attacing first.

Welcome To The Devaluation Stage

Same script, new actress

This person will give them the attention you’re about to stop going to them as you grow more and more fed up because they know that even if they want to change (and some actually do) they can’t for some reason.

I say “for some reason” because they just can’t accept (or believe) that the answer truly is (or could be) them. That would hurt too much to know they are the sole reason they cannot remain loved. So you are triangulated and devalued because you are being smugly compared to whoever they line up.

If they feel they’re not good enough for you they’ll find someone they think is better than you, and then arrogantly find ways to throw them in your face — to make you feel as slighted as they do, often on their own accord.

The signs are subtle but obvious —

• a suggestions for your appearance that will seemingly come out of nowhere.
• pick up new interests/styles they have before
• they might seem different in bed

You’ll hear sudden suggestions for your appearance that will seemingly come out of nowhere. Interests they didn’t seem to have before. In some cases, they’ll seem different in bed — and they’ll know you notice. They hope you do.

There will be a smugness about this. This smugness does not last, because neither does the illusion. Reality will be waiting for them, once they’ve discarded you.

After You’ve Been Discarded

What happens when you’re no longer there to blame?

Okay, so they actually convinced themselves they absolutely what the new supply had to offer was better. They actually believed the illusion. They left you because they really felt like what they had with this other person was everything they ever wanted. I’m here to tell you, all that glitters isn’t gold.

It’s like a child seeing a commercial for a new toy, and immediately throwing down the one in their hands, in pursuit of attaining the new toy. They always come back for that initial toy. It still had value, even if only because of its placement (no one forgets their first, in any aspect).

Everything loses its newness, even the narcissist. They know this, they just didn’t want to get old first. So they ran instead of accepting that both, relationships and people, are not perfect and can survive changes.

Instead, they pick people with aspects they favor, and keep each person as one collective energy — and turn to each one according to their momentary needs. They live the relationship in survival mode, ultimately creating an endless series of self-fulfilling prophecies.

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Previously Published on medium

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