Childhood trauma fuels your attachment style. Unfortunately, trauma is the last thing you want running your relationship.
Trauma propels people to become “anxious” or “avoidant”. It operates on a spectrum. Some people are mildly influenced by attachment. The more toxic relationships are filled with moderately or extremely attached people.
Either way, regardless of how “secure” you are, opposites attract.
Unfortunately, most people will never learn of attachment theory. They also won’t heal their inner wounds for healthier relationships.
Why people don’t like to observe their mistakes
Many people don’t self-reflect. They don’t autopsy their relationships or study human behavior. They don’t do these things because it’s too hard.
They want the results of a good relationship without the work.
For some people, discovering attachment theory is liberating, for others… it’s a tough pill they’re unwilling to swallow.
That pill is humility, something your ego HATES.
Humility is not fun. You might experience shame, embarrassment, or even resistance to humbling yourself to the fact that you were at fault for your failed relationships.
And what can be a greater thing that interrupts “happiness” than some of those negative feelings? Resistance isn’t pleasurable, and neither is shame or embarrassment.
Happiness is a RESULT of you working through the bad times and not shrinking back to your comfort zone, which may make you FEEL happier, but in the long run, you’re killing your chances at true, deep-seated fulfillment.
Why it’s time to get off your high horse and learn
Your attachment style influences your romantic relationship(s).
Without personal growth or healing, you’ll repeat the same mistakes over and over again. I’m guilty of this too. You know how many times I’ve said or done the same stupid things with different girls?
Too many.
I finally had to be firm with myself, step back, and let go of some of the things I’ve accumulated from my past. I didn’t want to keep repeating the same things and not get anywhere.
I had to churn through a lot of shitty relationships in the past to find a better partner. If you’re going to sacrifice or compromise for a relationship it should be more for then “not being alone”.
It’s better to be single and alone than to compromise your values to allow others to treat you poorly.
How attachment styles work and how to identify it
When my ex-fiance and I split up, I was trying to make sense of what went on. I was trying to see how I could stop it from happening again. I started researching.
I discovered a free online “masterclass” on love and intimacy, and it completely changed the way I see relationships.
In moderate to severe toxic relationships, someone gives too much, and the other takes.
…
The “giver” is the avoidant.
Avoidants fill the role as the emotional support .They’re more prone to avoiding their feelings by nature, opting for comfort over authenticity. This gives the anxious person a chance to “dump” their feelings onto them.
The anxious one, “takes”.
The anxious person needs the relationship to feel at ease, while the avoidant person needs the validation for being relied upon. Unfortunately, the anxious partner can often be manipulated by the avoidant to feel “powerless” and desperate for connection.
…
Neither person is more at fault than the other, but from experience (as an anxious person myself), avoidant partners will usually end the relationship out of “left field” with little to no explanation.
They’re quick to jump-ship to feel relief, and then they carry on as usual (for the most part) by suppressing their feelings. While breakups are never fun for anyone, the anxious person is left wondering “WTF?!?!” and has to deal with the emotional fallout.
The problems are self-generated and disrupt what could have been a healthy dynamic.
Usually, the anxious partner interprets the avoidant’s actions as neglect (i.e. going out for the evening).
The other partner might experience emotional or physical intimacy as frightening, despite it being a fundamental requirement for a healthy relationship to function.
An avoidant partner will feel “suffocated”, and the anxious one will feel “neglected”. Simple conversations can prevent these problems.
But, rejection is the biggest obstacle to being transparent for both partners.
If this sounds like your current or past relationships, you’re experiencing codependency, but how can you notice whether or not you’ve learned from your past mistakes?
1. You have a list of demands
Whether online dating is involved or not, people who are governed by their attachment style will use demands or expectations to ensure they find a partner who they believe “completes” them.
The most insecure people use others to feel whole or complete. Many people have traits they’ve disowned since childhood. They hope to find the “one” and think it will bring them happiness.
For example:
A single mom with three kids who wants YOU to treat her like a princess while you’re her meal ticket, and she doesn’t intend to give you the effort it takes to make a real relationship work.
You might run into a guy who has mommy issues and wants a beauty queen who is also nurturing, compassionate, kind, submissive, cooks, cleans, is a stay-at-home housewife, and takes care of him, his children, and everything else.
But the guy doesn’t know how to fold his socks, cook an egg, or operate a vacuum cleaner. It’s all about “what can this person do for me that I’m unwilling to do for myself.”
In my own experience, I’m attracted to talkative, independent, action-oriented women. These are the traits I expect and look for. They balance out my quiet, chill, and less independent vibe.
There’s a fundamental flaw with using others to “complete” you.
It doesn’t work.
Only you can re-own and accept the aspects that you dislike about yourself that you’re seeking in others.
2. You often blame your ex
This is the go-to method when you don’t want to take responsibility for personal growth.
Many people today are too quick to say “my ex was a narcissist.” They do this to avoid blame for their role in a failed relationship. Why be responsible when you can just say your ex is a covert narcissist, and call it a day?
Total freedom right?
If you knew how attachment worked, you might not be so quick to blame your ex…
I get it, some partners are terrible. I’ve heard some fucked up things that my partners have said their exes did. But, in every relationship, both people are responsible for its failure.
Rarely are things one-sided.
It might be worth self-reflecting so you don’t end up with the same kind of person again next time. Even if you don’t want to change, why not be at least a bit curious as to why you often get with toxic people?
3. You justify failed relationships
You don’t blame your ex, but you’re more apathetic to “the whole thing”.
I see this as a step up from blaming others. Part of you knows it was wrong to be with those people, so you blame yourself.
But, it still doesn’t work.
You have to justify to yourself or someone else why you were with that person. Instead of owning up to it, you’re still reacting to your past trauma. You shouldn’t justify past relationships.
Justifying the relationship keeps you perpetually stuck reenacting the same thing, hoping it will change the next time around.
It will never change. Your subconscious is trying to get you to release the trauma that guides your partner choices. Until this finally happens, be prepared for the same person, but different face.
You’ll feel more inclined to justify a familiar, toxic situation than work towards improvement if you are not aware of attachment theory or your attachment style.
Own up to it, learn from it, and upgrade to a new partner next time.
…
Everyone in a relationship will feel attachment to some degree.
You can’t escape childhood without experiencing some kind of trauma. This conditioning affects how you react to, think about, and view relationships.
For some people, their attachment style dictates a lot of their actions. The more secure you are, the less trauma affects you. It shows up less in how you behave in relationships.
You will feel attraction to other people who are aligned with you on the opposite side of the attachment spectrum.
If you are a little anxious, you are unlikely to find very avoidant people attractive. But, a more secure person will see you as a better fit.
The more insecure you are (on either side), the relationship will be more toxic due to manipulation.
Once you’ve seen how attached you are, you can start your journey through self-healing. You can find out your level of attachment through self-awareness. You can use mindfulness, meditation, and writing, and by reviewing these last three points.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
***
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—–
Photo credit: Erik Lucatero on Unsplash