“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes
This week’s article… might be the final one in the King Ryan reclaims his crown series. It might.
I’m gonna go out on a pretty thin branch with this statement. This could be the most important piece I’ve ever written for the Good Men Project.
It’s on me to start relating to myself through the eyes of a healthy grown man, instead of being stuck being emotionally 16 years old.
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Yeah, even more important than any of the ones I wrote about Roy Moore.
This is important stuff, man.
Now, let’s not get it twisted here: this is my story. But I believe that many of you could be swimming in similar incomplete waters.
As of late, I’ve been on a quest to reinvent my life. I’ve been on a quest to reinvent the way that I – King Ryan Hall – relate to the world.
I am reinventing my relationship to the way I relate to myself as a king. To put it another way, I’m reinventing my relationship to myself as a grown man.
Let’s face it, I don’t relate to myself as a grown man. I relate to myself as a 41-year-old teenager.
(Reasons why will become evident the further you read.)
This is not serving my world anymore. It’s not serving my clients. It’s not serving the woman I choose to spend time with and partner with (or women as a whole.) It’s not serving my readership anymore.
It’s simply not serving ANYONE anymore. And I’m sick of being stuck in neutral.
I began with that quote on forgiveness. Smedes was so right on point.
Anger, bitterness, and resentment – I had it that that’s what was motivating me. That’s what kept me moving. That was the inspiration behind my life.
With that in mind, I had to ask myself some pretty pointed questions:
- Do I have the coaching practice I want?
- Am I making the money I want?
- Am I still single?
- Am I still dissatisfied with my physical appearance?
- Am I happy?
The answer to all five of those questions was a resounding, massive no of the big and honkin’ variety.
Something has been keeping me from making the progress and creating the results I want to create. Something has been weighing on my soul.
This something has been making me sick!
I mean literally making me sick. There’s a reason why I wound up with a ruptured gallbladder less than six months removed from losing my mom. And there’s a reason why my weight ballooned like it did after my dad passed away.
Pain, anger, resentment, bitterness, and unresolved relationships have been keeping me down. They’ve been weighing on my soul.
I’ve been doing the very thing that I coach my clients not to do. I’ve been letting my past shape my future instead of leaving my past in the past.
One day last week I took a look at my life, and I made a list. And that list contained events from my past that I needed to get complete.
In other words, something or somebody needed forgiving.
I had to take on a few things for this to work.
- I had to be willing to get complete.
- I had to be able to put the past behind me.
- And I had to choose the completion.
This process is designed to look at the event or person from a different angle, get the bitterness to the surface, and expose the truth.
And the truth is always this: forgiveness always starts with the man in the mirror.
Or woman…I’m not singling anyone out. But I know my audience.
This is a writing exercise… but I do things a little different. This is perhaps the only time in my life that being a brilliant writer is a crutch.
I can too easily get into a space of wanting to make it good writing instead of simply getting it out like I need to.
Even though I and my god are the only ones who ever read it.
I speak things out loud. Always have.
The first completion I took on was around the woman I wrote about last week and my resentment toward her. The first of the little redhaired girls in my life. Last week’s article was the end result of that round of completion.
More on her later…
The second was a lot heavier. The second was one of the heaviest moments from my childhood.
The second completion session was how I reacted to finding out that my father had an addiction to crack cocaine, the secrecy that my mom required of me from this revelation, and how this affected my relationship with my parents for the rest of their lives.
Keep in mind, this was a wound I carried on my soul since 1994!
The piece I wanted to share from that was my lesson that I took away.
My mom and dad weren’t bad people. But they were terribly affected by the disease of addiction (they were both substance addicted.) This affected the way they related to themselves, and to the way they related to me and my sister.
They did the best they knew how. It wasn’t malicious or evil. They just didn’t know better.
So, it’s on me to start relating to myself through the eyes of a healthy grown man, instead of being stuck being emotionally 16 years old.
After I took this on, I felt like I lost 50 pounds.
Was it easy? Was it without drama? Did I get through it without sobbing?
No, no, and hell no!
But it was one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done.
To those of you reading this, I have a challenge for you.
I’ve been letting my past shape my future instead of leaving my past in the past.
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I know without a doubt that many of you are holding onto old resentment, anger, and bitterness. It could be old flames who burned you, failed relationships, parental wounds, abuse scars, self-harming, addictions – it doesn’t matter.
Get complete! Your soul will thank you!
This process has reminded me of this verse from the hauntingly beautiful Allman Brothers Band song Old Before My Time:
“No more feeling guilty for things I never did/Feeling nothing for my crime. Living like a gypsy, dreaming like a kid. It makes me old before my time.”
This pain has made me old before my time. Perhaps the oldest 41-year-old teenager you’ll ever meet.
This has already yielded some results. And I am not stopping now.
If you have any questions about how coaching works or would like to work with me to reclaim your own crown, let me know.
Email me at [email protected] and we can schedule a free sample session to see if this would support you in reclaiming your own crown.
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Now, an update on last week’s piece…
I found Stephanie! Honestly, I’ve been looking for her for close to 20 years. And y’know…I was absolutely right.
It goes to prove to me that the biggest obstacle to my happiness is and always has been me. It’s not my looks, my perceived lack of success, or extra pounds I carry.
I have always had it, I couldn’t see it because of all the extra shit I had in the way!
Forgiveness is an inside job. Let go of the past, and your soul will thank you in ways you don’t even know!
Get complete!
And as my mom would say – I’ll keep ya posted on my situation.
Photo by Ninha Morandini