This One Demand Means You Might Have an Emotionally Immature Partner

Have you ever been frustrated in a relationship before?

Duh, dude. We all have, but I want to dig into two areas that cause extreme frustration: communication and conflict resolution.

Throughout our lives, we develop systems to navigate these pillars.

Through experiences and attachment style, you develop different methods of execution.

The issue is that we get used to our specific method, and it becomes ingrained into us.

It becomes so deep that you think it is the proper form of execution.

The reality is that it is unique to you and your experiences. While there’s textbook communication and conflict resolution, avoiding adding your unique twist to the equation is challenging.

That is somewhat expected.

What is unexpected and unfair is when this becomes manipulative.

There are many ways to tell when someone is controlling, but one phrase will shine a light on someone who will be a problem in the future.

Red alert

I want you to place yourself in a past disagreement with a partner. You take a second to cool off, and you reengage.

You both have talking points that you would like to discuss and go through why you are upset and what you can do together to resolve the conflict.

Then before you’ve dug into the issue, you hear the phrase.

“Just say sorry.”

Before we dig in, I am not talking about a situation where one person is clearly wrong and needs to apologize for their actions.

When you hear this phrase, the snowball has begun.

The real problem

Many of you have experienced this phrase in the past. Your partner tells you the best way to resolve a conflict with them is to say sorry from the beginning.

Let’s see why this is manipulative and controlling.

The problem with this phrase is that it has set up the idea that one person’s needs and feelings are more important than the others.

You’re subconsciously saying, “No matter what we discuss after this point, it needs to start with an apology to me.”

That person is skipping the opportunity for both sides to share their experience and find mutual ground and room to grow as a couple.

No matter what, there is a level of admission of guilt that is now the other person’s burden.

The person saying this phrase is not necessarily looking for an apology. They are looking for validation of their feelings, but they don’t know how to communicate and express that.

They struggle to self-soothe and problem-solve, so they project that onto the perceived source, you.

More snow

You know what happens next if you have heard this before.

If you dare to reply with your feelings or version of what happened, you’re being defensive and careless.

The problem with working with someone who says this phrase is that it won’t be a working relationship.

They will always be the victim of any conflict.

You will never have room to explain your side or what hurt you. It will always be about apologizing first and digging yourself out of a mess you both contributed to.

Now, every conflict will begin with you apologizing and feeling like you don’t have a voice.

It goes deeper than that. Eventually, the person hearing this phrase won’t care; if they play the other person’s game.

Soon “I am sorry” will turn into “I’m sorry (if that’s what it takes to get you to shut up).”

A little more snow

Let’s say you live in a “perfect world” in which you say sorry from the start.

That person says it will cure the problem and set the foundation for communication, but it will do the opposite.

Does that person think you make everything peachy by apologizing?

It might help meantime, but what will happen in the future?

They will use that log of problems and issues “you created” against you and state things as recurring issues.

Now do you see how this phrase can be aggressively controlling and manipulative?

You could have had a discussion as a team to resolve an issue and lay out a path for both of you to be better communicators and conflict resolvers.

Nope, they are the victim most of the time and only contributed minor infractions to the issues in your dynamic.

Don’t run

If you follow my writing, you know I am not the guy who tells you to pack your bags and run.

You can recognize these types of red flags early and save the future of a relationship.

Communicate the danger because nothing is worse than feeling unseen and unheard in your relationship.

You will become a lesser version of yourself and eventually shut down altogether.

We can avoid that by noticing the little things that cause blow-ups in the future.

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If you liked this article, let’s backtrack in time and see 3 things you can do to avoid issues before we even get to the talking phase in my free guide here.

And

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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