Neuroplasticity is a six-syllable word for hope.
~Dr. Linda Page
Ah yes, neuroplasticity — the brain’s capacity to grow and change throughout our lives. It’s one of the most helpful and positive findings in neuroscience research in the past fifty years. We can, with focus and attention, change our very wiring. We’re not stuck with what we learned as children, took on as adaptive strategies, or even inherited.
But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. The effort and attention needed to first recognize the old tendency, and then do something different which is not yet easy or habitual can be exhausting. It may help to think of creating these new neural pathways like making trails in deep snow. The first time you walk, it’s hard, slow and tiring. Even the next time and the next can be difficult. But at some point, it gets easier. The snow gets packed down. You make progress. The trick is to keep at it, trying your best to ignore the beckoning superhighway of habitual patterns. Yes, the habitual is the easier road, but it’s not the road to fulfillment.
Those of us who grew up in difficult family systems have habits of thought and behavior which are smooth, well plowed paths in the snow, easy to walk down without effort or thought. Most of these patterns were laid down early in our lives, which means, from a brain wiring standpoint that we’ve had many years to practice, and the more you use a neural pathway the quicker and stronger it becomes.
And while we needed these neural pathways at some point in our lives in order to either get attention and care or avoid punishment (or both), some of them become maladaptive when we are older. For example, if the way to survive in one’s family is to be well-behaved, quiet, and not need anything, it can feel incredibly difficult later in life to identify and ask for what you need — a key aspect of healthy relationships.
Without awareness and intention, our brains (which like to conserve energy) take us down the easiest path. But with a commitment to change, we can actually rewire even the deep neural structures from our childhoods. Here’s what is needed:
STAGE ONE: Awareness. We have to bring into awareness the old thought and/or behavior pattern, recognize what it is costing us, and identify the new way of thinking/being we actually want. And yes, this can be an uncomfortable stage, because it requires noticing the gap between what is not working and what we might want instead.
STAGE TWO: Intention. We need to set our intention for the new thought and/or behavior. We need to commit to it and make it a priority in our lives, knowing that the old pathways will often call us back — especially when we are tired or stressed.
STAGE THREE: Effort. We need to practice the new way. Again and again and again. When we slip and operate in the old way, we need to get back on the horse and do it again. This requires pushing through discomfort, understanding that we’re walking in deep snow at first, and it’s ok if it isn’t easy. At some point, what was difficult becomes easier, and even — blessedly — automatic.
Because the siren song of the easier old pathways can be so compelling, this process can be really difficult on one’s own and is often best achieved by working with a trained coach or therapist. But it’s well worth the time and effort. Remember, neuroplasticity is a six-syllable word for hope.
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Previously Published on But Now I Know Your Name and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
