By Brian Page and Ed Frauenheim
Many men in marriages today are hurting.
The root of their troubles is money.
A lack of cash, yes.
But it’s more than that. Many men are wrestling with challenges around their view of themselves as providers and their ability to communicate with their spouses about finances.
We’re living in a time when most couples live in dual-income households where women continue to increase as equal financial contributors and breadwinners. But many of us grew up with the expectation that men would be the “head of the household”–men would take the lead in earning for their spouse and children.
What’s more, conventional beliefs about manliness hinder men from expressing feelings. That makes it hard for many men to talk honestly and constructively with their spouses about finances, which often bring up emotions such as shame, sadness and fear.
The results for men can be severe–ranging from marital conflict and divorce to depression and even suicide.
Couples who disagree about financial matters are twice as likely to divorce as those on the same page about their finances. And not being on the same page about financial risks is the strongest predictor of divorce.
What’s more, money is the greatest cause of stress for American adults. Debt, in particular, can be a downer for married men. About 75 percent of American households owe money, and the average debt level is growing. Debt is a strong predictor of depression, general psychological distress, mental disorders, and suicidal thoughts and behavior.
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But there’s hope.
Couples today can develop a much healthier relationship to money in their marriage. The key is embracing a modern view of a husband–one who is comfortable in partnership and capable of talking candidly about money.
Here are three ways married men can recover from money woes–and avoid them in the first place.
Challenge Conventional Views of Men and Money
Much of the strife and stress married men experience around money stems from outdated, conventional views about how to be a man. For thousands of years, men have felt pressure to fit into a confined definition of masculinity that limits their roles and their ways of relating. Be the provider, protector and procreator. Become king of the hill, be self-reliant, be stoic.
It all adds up to a “father knows best” model of men in families. Men are supposed to be the breadwinner and the manager of household finances. What’s more, men generally aren’t supposed to express emotions or demonstrate vulnerability. That’s seen as weak and unmanly. The only feelings men are allowed to show are excitement and anger.
These views are out of touch with contemporary society. For a century or more, we’ve acknowledged women’s fundamental equality–in spheres ranging from business to politics. And we now know how important emotional intelligence and honest communication are to successful marriages–not to mention success in the workplace.
It’s important to question conventional, cramped views around men and money.
Be a Good Financial Teammate
Even when we think we’re free of those old “man-rules,” they can influence us.
For a sign of just how much traditional beliefs about being “head of the household” affect American men, consider this statistic: 71% of women believe that it is important for a man to be able to financially support a family.
This could explain why men feel a sense of distress when their wives earn a greater share than 40 percent of the family income.
Men as well as women have work to do to update their views about money and marriage. Borrowing from the sports world that many men appreciate, it’s time for couples to be good financial teammates with each other.
For men, it’s important to recognize that being a good teammate in a marriage is about more than “bringing home the bacon.” Think of sports legends like Patrick Mahomes and Travis Kelce as well as Steph Curry and Draymond Green. These stars recognized they could only win championships by acting as true partners–trusting their teammates and trying to help the other one be their best.
Have Continuous, Courageous Conversations about Money
Good, consistent communication is critical to any effective team. A married couple is no different, especially when it comes to money.
Research shows married couples are more likely to be happy when they both participate in sound financial management practices such as budgeting, saving, maintaining low debt, and living within (or below) their means.
Of course, challenges will arise. That’s when men must open up rather than hunker down. Men have to be brave and vulnerable during financial difficulties. Admit they worry they won’t have enough savings for their kid’s tuition. Or acknowledge feeling humiliated they didn’t get that raise they were hoping for.
If men bottle up emotions triggered by financial troubles, they risk harming their own mental health, their relationship with their spouse, and their ability to come up with creative solutions.
And don’t wait for crises to talk honestly about money with your partner. Identify and share assumptions about how money fits into other personal values–such as whether possessions or experiences are more important.
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Too many American married men are suffering over finances. Often in silence. Sometimes in screaming matches with their spouse.
A better way is possible. A modern way to be a husband–by breaking out of traditional definitions of masculinity, acting as a good teammate and courageously talking about money.
That husband is likely to be a happier man.
Brian Page is the founder of Modern Husbands, a company dedicated to sharing ideas for devoted husbands to manage money, the house, and a life full of experiences.
Ed Frauenheim is a consultant, speaker and co-author of four books, including Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
