When dating have you ever been left confused because there seemed to be so many positive signs at the start?
So many cues from the other person indicating interest and investment — only for them to seemingly pull a 180, or flick a switch overnight?
Leaving you to wonder what the heck happened?
It can feel blindsiding. I know from personal experience.
In the not too distant past, I met a woman off the dating apps. Positive signs led me to hope that maybe the situation would be different than previous trick candle relationships I’d become involved in.
The night of our first date, she complimented my appearance as she paid for our wines. She responded, “Let’s do it next time,” when I expressed regret that we hadn’t had a chance to ride the ferris wheel.
We even talked what love meant to each of us, as we looked out at the sun setting calmly over the gently flowing currents of the Sacramento River.
The (in my mind) most promising sign of all: she offered to drive me all the way home. It was a one and a half hour drive (otherwise I would have taken the train).
If someone were willing to go that out of their way, they must have more than casual interest in me, I reasoned.
Going that distance implied a greater level of seriousness about someone than does grabbing a drink with a person who lives one block away.
…
In our communication after the date, I continued noticing more positive signs. She didn’t act distant, like some had; in fact she stepped it up even more, ramping up our contact.
Flirting also escalated that week.
Some of the things she said to me included:
“What you do for a living is hot.”
“You’re SO creative” (heart-faced emoji).
“Wish I was there with you right now” (when I sent her a picture of the cafe I was at, which had swinging chairs).
“The new season of the L Word comes out in November (*three months from then). We should watch it together :)”
We had a two-hour phone conversation, where we even talked about attachment styles. She too had been in several painful relationships with emotionally unavailable people (Great! She gets it! We’re on the same page!).
Encouraged by what seemed like green flags, I gave permission to my brain to indulge in some hope and excitement.
…
For our second date the woman and I met at a place next to the water, where a pirate-themed restaurant operated and a woman lived with her nineteen goats (including a bearded white one named Mister Feta). She brought me a lesbian romance novel and a box of taffies as gifts, in addition to a bag of sliced red bell peppers after I’d told her I used to bring these around with me as snacks.
We walked along the water, past giant sculpture art that included a massive bee; a bejeweled, open-mouthed crocodile; a woven sphere the size of a small car.
We swung on a couch swing, side by side, holding hands.
The date ended with her kissing me and asking me on a third date.
Those next few days, she was noticeably more distant in her communication.
I asked her if anything was wrong.
She canceled the date and told me she wasn’t feeling a connection.
So much for those signs.
I guess some people are repelled by any request for even a modicum of clarity or reassurance.
…
Rinse and Repeat
Several months later, I began dating another woman.
Signs of interest were there, and I was wary — but also felt tempted to cast aside my misanthropic lens and trust in them at least a little.
These positive signs were more substantial than the last ones, my brain justified. Real torches, not trick candles.
Enthusiastic references to multiple future dates. Holding my hand for nearly the entirety of our second date. Offering to pay for everything. Daily communication and a demonstrated interest in my hopes, dreams, and inner world — for a full month as we continued going on dates.
The clouds in the sky the day of our second date were the most prominent positive sign of all, though.
On my final date with the woman from several months prior, I’d noticed a single cloud, wispy and violin-shaped, catapulting across the bright blue sky as she and I lay against the couch swing facing skyward.
I’d never seen a cloud move so fast. I’d never seen one look so alive, motivated, determined and goal-driven. There was something animate about it. I could almost hear its heartbeat, or the springs in its cloud-brain grinding.
And then suddenly it was gone. Simply vanished without a trace, like it’d never been there at all. How uncannily it’d disintegrated from a partial something into complete nothing. Much like our budding connection did soon after, taking with it those initial hopes and shiny words.
The clouds with this more recent woman, in contrast, claimed a steady space in the sky, puffy and solid white.
“We’re not going anywhere,”’ they proclaimed. So bold. Unshakable. Positive sign, my brain noted with some optimism.
And yet the clouds that day turned out to be nothing more than clouds — not portenders of a solid and long-lasting romance. Most of those actions turned out to have just been grand gestures unconsciously designed to “win” me before taking the time to get to know and treasure me on a deeper level.
…
Don’t make assumptions out of “positive signs.”
Here’s the thing about those positive signs you might notice in those initial weeks; they would be truly such if the behavior were to repeat for months or years.
They would be truly such if it weren’t true that insecurely attached people tend to attach quickly, sometimes not to the person you really are, but to the idea of you (which makes it all the easier for one of you to discard the other when the actual person doesn’t live up to the image in your head).
Initial positive signs predict little about future longevity. They can even lure you into a false sense of safety. Sometimes they’re wolves in sheep’s clothing, for instance in the case of avoidantly attached individuals who don’t come across as avoidant at first; relationship blogger Tracy Shields wrote:
“Barring the bad boy/girl type love avoidant who treats you like crap and neglects you from the start, most love avoidants start out rather opposite, in fact. They can pursue you, be super flirtatious, (fall in love quickly) and come on quite strong–for a little while, that is. And then, a few months into the relationship, when they begin to feel too overwhelmed, their avoidant nature kicks in.”
…
The difference between love bombing type behavior and genuine signs of investment and availability is time.
Let time pass and keep your eyes open to daters who’ll perhaps start with you in a more level place, rather than high up in the clouds of Romántica (only to jet back down abruptly and completely).
Pay attention to a slow build. To a person who’s not overly idealizing you before they know you.
A person may put out signs of interest. They may do things that pump your ego full of energy and your heart full of hope.
But still proceed with caution. Still take them with a grain of salt. Let them earn your trust.
Your heart deserves it. So does your sense of inner peace.
Time is the only true teller. It’s the sole positive sign you can genuinely trust.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStock image
