Monday evening, most of Tuesday, and all day Wednesday, I was very depressed again. That’s never happened to me during TMS before. In the past, once I start feeling good, I’m good for about six months.
It was scary. I thought maybe this time, the TMS wouldn’t work.
DEPRESSION BE GONE!
Since then, my mood has been steadily improving, though it’s slow going. I’m still extra-sensitive to any kind of criticism. If there’s any room for misinterpretation, I’ll internalize it and get stuck in it.
Jill, the TMS coordinator, said that instead of starting the taper this week, we’ll maybe start it next week. That gives me another full week or more of treatments.
I’m telling you, they all rock over at PrairieCare! 🙂
Early last week was punctuated with bad dreams, pessimism, and waning hope. Toward the end of the week, though, I could feel my mood picking up, however slowly. And boy was I tired over the weekend! I had little to no energy. Today (Monday), I’m feeling fair and* I’m a little anxious.
*Something we learned in DBT was to use the word “and” instead of “but”. “But” tends to negate everything that came before it, while “and” indicates that both things can be true.
For instance, “I feel like shit AND I can still get something done today.” It’s a subtle difference, but it helps. LOL, see what I did there? I mean it’s a subtle difference and it helps. Few things in this world are black and white, especially our moods and thought patterns.
Go ahead and try it for yourself today. Eliminate the word “but” from your vocabulary and replace it with “and”. I dare you! It’s not as easy as you might think – it does take practice – and it can have a profound effect on your mood and your thought patterns.
Anyway, I’m hoping my mood continues to get better. I really need to start using my DBT skills more. They really help. I still have my DBT book, which is like 500 pages and full of notes from class. I think it would be wise to have it within reach rather than keep it sitting on the bedroom floor. Out of sight, out of mind, ya know.
LATER THAT SAME DAY…
Today is Monday, so I got to talk to Dr. Nelson, pdoc extraordinaire, before my TMS session. I told him all about my funky mood swings last week and he actually had a theory.
He said that my brain is getting more flexible and is very responsive to the TMS, so he’s not worried that it’s not working. In fact, he said he thinks it’s working very well.
Anecdotal evidence suggests that TMS can bring repressed memories to the forefront, or at least make them more accessible. (There hasn’t been any research done on that yet.) He suggested that this is why I’ve been so ultra-sensitive lately – that maybe the TMS is bringing some things closer to the surface. His gut tells him that I suffered from some kind of trauma in my childhood, and mine tells me the same thing. I have long thought something happened that I just don’t remember.
At first, I wasn’t so sure it would be a good thing, dredging up the past; after all, I’m already a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). For a moment, I thought that maybe making memories more accessible (I don’t remember much at all about my childhood, for instance) would make me a blubbering idiot.
But he seems to think that getting the TMS, along with the ART (Accelerated Resolution Therapy) I’ll be starting next week, will be powerful for me. And I trust him with my life, so I’m willing to give it a shot.
So I feel better knowing that others have had similar experiences. It’s not that the TMS isn’t working, it’s that it IS working. Of course, he explains it better than I can, but take my word for it.
This is good, because it puts me in a different, more positive mindset. Instead of being afraid that things will get worse, I’m a little excited to move forward to the next phase of my treatment. Maybe it will finally uncover whatever it is that lies beneath my poor self-image and inherent lack of self-confidence.
IN A NUTSHELL…
- Emotions are tricky. Sometimes, they suck.
- I have a terrific support team!
- Regardless of my mini-setback, I still feel better than I did before TMS.
- Nothing is black or white, either/or. Some things can coexist.
- TMS is working for me – again! 🙂
- I’m excited to start the ART program.
- Positivity can be hard to come by, but it helps.
This post was previously published on Depression Warrior and is republished here with permission from the author.
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