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The last time I dated was during the Clinton administration.
Prior to my divorce in 2020, it had been twenty-two (22) years since my last date.
Yes, I’m really that old.
But before all that, before the insanity of the dating world after a near quarter-century hiatus, I was once married for twenty two (22) years.
While that doesn’t qualify me for anything, it does bring some context and perspective to the topic of divorce – I know how bad divorce feels as I experienced it firsthand, I am the product of childhood divorces (my parents went through multiples), and I know how bad it impacts families and how it can kill your self-worth and confidence.
I get that everyone’s experience with divorce is different, but here’s mine.
Everything seemed to be going fine on the outside, until it wasn’t – I never wanted to be divorced.
And yet I am.
If I could jump in a DeLorean and go back in time, I would tell myself some things.
- I would tell myself that life is about choices – little, seemingly insignificant decisions that clear the road for monster-truck-sized, life-altering ones. I would tell myself to think about things differently and consider ALL the consequences that come from choices – we are accountable for the outcomes, no one else, so choose wisely.
- I would tell myself that divorce is P-A-I-N-F-U-L. It’s like ripping an appendage from your body, knowing full well that attempting to put that body part back together will be impossible. Divorce isn’t a solution to repairing something that’s been broken or ripped apart. It’s a symptom of a bigger problem.
- Divorce will bankrupt you, or damn near bankrupt you. And if it doesn’t bankrupt you financially, it’ll damage you to the point where you won’t recover unless you’re independently wealthy.
- I would tell myself that your relationship with your kids will suffer. It doesn’t matter which parent initiated the divorce or who gets blamed for what drama, your kids will see you differently. Your relationship with them won’t ever be the same – and lost time is something you will never get back.
- Many of your friends will abandon you – if not most of them. Especially the faith-based ones who call themselves “Christians.” They were the biggest disappointment. I learned that my closest “friends” were not there for me, and the ones who were there for me, were an important part of my healing process.
- The emotional toll it will take on you will be brutal. Divorce will impact your body, your guts, your hair, your nervous system, and it will age you. It’ll take years off of your life.
No more DeLorean, now back to the future
Here’s what I learned about my experience with divorce: it takes maturity to look in the mirror and admit that you don’t like yourself, and that something needs to change.
I hated myself for a long time before my divorce and afterwards.
I punished myself emotionally and my thought-life was something out of an abusive relationship, complete with constant accusations, self-contempt, and the kind of inner dialogue that tears a person down piece by piece until they barely recognize who they’ve become.
For me, I learned that my ego needed to be set ablaze, burning the things out of my life that had no place in my future.
Divorce isn’t one sudden event – it’s the end result of long periods of drift, avoidance, resentment, and poor communication. Many couples fail because they avoid hard conversations early, especially around expectations, money, sex, roles, and commitment.
But, if you’re willing to address YOUR issues, YOUR stuff, and become healthy inside and out, then at least you can rest your head on your pillow at night knowing you have peace.
Maybe you’re a young couple or person reading this right now and your marriage or long-term relationship is on the brink of divorce.
Before you say the word out loud, give yourself and your partner some grace. Slow down. Breathe. Think. Process. Don’t make a permanent decision in the middle of emotional chaos just because the pain feels louder than the possibilities in front of you. Divorce is not the only option simply because it feels like the fastest one.
We live in a throw-away culture. If something feels difficult, or emotionally exhausting, the message is often to move on and do what feels good in the moment. But marriage and commitment were never meant to be sustained by feelings – they require honesty, humility, and the willingness to deal with what is broken in you, not only what is broken in the other person.
That does not mean every marriage should stay together no matter what. Abuse, illegal behavior, and destructive patterns that refuse real change are serious matters. But too many relationships are ending not because every path was exhausted, but because the hard work of reflection, healing, ownership, and honest conversation never really began.
To the husband who feels numb and checked out: you are loved, you are valuable, and your life has purpose. Get healthy enough to find it – you can do this and no matter what happens today, you can handle it.
To the wife who feels lonely and unheard: there is nothing wrong with you. You matter, your pain is real, and the ache of feeling emotionally abandoned is not invisible. You will find your voice again. Don’t give up on your husband – perhaps he needs you more than you need him, and perhaps your strength can be something that stories are written about someday.
For me, the turning point came when I got tired of getting the same result from the same broken patterns. I had to stop blaming everything outside of me and start asking what inside of me needed to heal. My parental wounds, my ego, my pain, and the unresolved parts of my story were still driving too much of my life – that kind of honesty is painful, but it is also the beginning of freedom.
So if you are a young couple still considering divorce, don’t – until you have taken the time to be honest, to get quiet, to seek wise counsel, to confront your own issues, and to make sure you are not choosing a permanent ending when what is really needed is deep healing, hard truth, and one more courageous attempt at restoration.
And if, after all of that, the marriage still ends, you will at least know you did not walk away casually. You will know you faced it with thoughtfulness, maturity, and integrity. There is peace in that. There is love in that. And no matter how this chapter ends, everything will be okay.
I believe in you. Keep going.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
