Top 10 Critical Communication Skills for Couples

Communication in relationships is the backbone of any bond. It doesn’t matter how good or bad your relationship may seem, if there aren’t strong enough communications between both parties then everything will crumble before long.

Healthy communication builds trust, which allows two people to open up more freely than they would otherwise. Open and honest dialogue prompts feelings like relief when we feel heard by those around us; it gives one an opportunity for self-expression without fear. You are reading this article for a reason. Somehow, someway maybe you need validation for better communication or you are looking at ways to enhance your communication skills.

Unfortunately, interpersonal communication skills are rarely taught in school. In my work with over 350 men, the number one thing I have heard is “We have communication problems” and “I wish we had this class in high school.”

The skills you learn usually come from an independent source, or if you are mandated to anger management, you get to learn skills at a higher cost with legal issues to boot. If you’ve never tried to strengthen your communication skills, they’re probably not as good as they could be.

Enhance your communication skills and your relationship with these strategies:

1. Focus on the specific behavior, rather than the person. Address the other person’s behavior or words. It’s much more agreeable when someone says, “It hurts my feelings when you don’t listen to me” instead of “Why do have to be so rude all of the time and ignore me?” or Replace “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” with “Please remember to use inside voice while the baby is sleeping.”

• When you attack the other person, they become defensive. When people are defensive, unproductive fighting and arguments are the common result.
• You’re interested in changing the other person’s behavior. You can’t change who they are. Focus on the behavior.
• Respond to behavior, don’t react to person. An example would be to replace “You are so stubborn!” with “I feel upset when you talk to me that way.”

2. Find the right time. If your partner comes home from work and slams the door, it might not be the best time to share your displeasure over the dirty dishes in the sink. Pick a time when everyone is calm and there are few distractions.

• Stay calm and patient. Difficult conversations can be especially difficult when we are angry or upset, so stay as calm and unemotional as possible.
• Avoid the urge to raise your voice or get snappy — this will just escalate things even more quickly.
• Stick with “I” statements to show that you’re trying to be reasonable, rather than attacking.
• Let your partner know that you are not opposed to discussing this further at a later date, but that now is not the time for this conversation.
• Restate your feelings calmly and clearly.

3. Be clear and assertive. It’s unfair and unproductive to expect others to read your mind. Be bold enough to be open. Your happiness is as much your responsibility as it is anyone else’s. Let your partner know how they can fulfill your needs. If something is bothering you, share that information.

• Offer solutions.
• When you’re discussing a problem with your partner, the focus is on what’s not working, or how things can be better. Your goal is to offer solutions that will minimize the conflict between the two of you in the future.
• Rather than “I wish you wouldn’t leave your dirty dishes all over my counter”, say “Let’s work together before bedtime to clean up our kitchen each night.”

4. Be willing to compromise. Compromising means that both of you give something up. All relationships require compromise. Remember that this is an ongoing process, not a one-time conversation or event.

• Keep communication open by talking about what worked and what didn’t in the discussion.
• Respond to how your partner took in the information you shared during the talk, ask questions about what they heard you say, share your thoughts if something changes for you over time.
• Stay positive — even if feelings are hurt it’s critical to be able to move on without holding onto anger or resentment towards each other.

5. Consider the other person’s point of view. Strive to be empathetic. Talk a walk in the other person’s shoes. You might realize that you’re being unreasonable. Remember that you are partners, not adversaries. Your ultimate goal is to work together to find a solution that works for both of you.

• Refuse to use insults or name-calling (e.g., stupid, idiot). Don’t blame your partner for all the problems in the relationship (e.g., You always make me…)
• The classic advice on how to fight fairly is a series of “I” statements. If you use “you” statements, they will likely be interpreted as accusations and the argument will escalate into a full-blown fight very quickly. Instead, learn how to communicate your feelings without judgment by using “I” statements. For example: “When I feel like our plans are changing constantly, I feel disrespected.” Or, “When you cancel plans with me at the last minute, it makes me feel that you don’t care about our relationship.”

6. Create a safe environment. Be receptive to the concerns of your partner. When you react poorly, your partner will be less likely to communicate the next time. Create an environment that permits sharing without punishment. Be grateful when your partner is willing to speak up.

• Consider not saying anything or walking away. When you feel overwhelmed or things are too hot to handle, sometimes the best thing is to walk away for a minute and cool off.
• End on a positive note. If possible, end your discussion on a positive note so that your partner knows you still care about him/her and the relationship.

7. After you speak, listen. It’s not just about getting your point across. You also have a responsibility to listen. You might learn something invaluable. Have you ever learned anything while you were speaking? Probably not, so listening is essential to healthy communication.

• Try not to say “I understand” because it sounds patronizing and it doesn’t mean much — just try nodding instead or something similar. Reference a third party outside of the conflict e.g., a mutual friend/family member, etc who has spoken about this
• Don’t shut down. Don’t walk away from the argument unless you have a plan in place for a healthy, planned timeout to help you regain your personal attitude. If you just take off, this is likely to make your partner less willing to communicate in the future.
• Things you can say: “I hear what you’re saying.” “You’re right, ___.” Things you can do: Nod when they speak/show that you are listening.

8. Avoid giving in to “keep the peace.” While that solution works in the short-term, your feelings are unlikely to change. The issue will still be there, only there will be resentment, too. And resentment leads to contempt, one of the 4 Horsemen explored by Dr. John Gottman as a leading cause of relationship dissolution.

• Your own happiness is at stake. Avoiding conflict will only make you feel better today. Your grief will only return in the future, with interest.
• Long-term solutions offer stable and structured ways to keep open. If you are able to find those solutions.
• Remember to work on yourself, not just your relationship. Work on being a better person so that you have the tools necessary to deal with conflict in a positive way.
• Remind yourself of your partner’s positive qualities and all the good reasons you were initially drawn together. — If appropriate, apologize for any mistakes or missteps.

9. Let go of the past. Everyone makes mistakes. Harping on the past only stirs up old wounds. Keep your attention on today and the future. You’ve already had the conversation 100 times. The next time will have the same result.

• If you feel like you can’t stand to be around them or their presence triggers rage, take some time apart. This may be necessary for your safety and well-being.
• Focus on the future. Try to think about what might happen if things stay the same as they are now. If it doesn’t help the relationship, you might be better off ending it altogether. Long-term action plans offer stable and structured ways to keep an open discussion about the future of your relationship.

10. Avoid assumptions. Many communication problems are the result of poor assumptions. Seek clarity. Ensure you understand the situation before proceeding. It might just be a simple misunderstanding. An inaccurate assumption can be the starting point of another disagreement.

• Don’t use “You always/you never” language because it makes an assumption about someone’s personality and behavior instead of focusing on a specific event. It also implies blame and tends to create defensiveness.
• Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes there are good reasons why they did or didn’t do something.
• Don’t fixate on one incident when you’re trying to make a point. It’s more effective to look at patterns in behavior over time instead of focusing on one isolated incident.
• By avoiding “always/never” and “what if,” you open the door to dialogue and show respect for your partner’s opinions.

Effective and kind communication is pivotal in all relationships. Communication skills can make or break a relationship because it is the cornerstone of any relationship. Keep the lines of communication open by maintaining an environment that welcomes open dialog. Avoid the situations you need to discuss only postpones the problem. Be assertive and share your concerns. When you increase the quality of communication within your relationship, you may find yourself enjoying sharing and listening. After all, the quality of any relationship is no greater than the quality of the communication.

Take responsibility for the quality of your relationship by strengthening your communication skills. Take charge and share the results. When you take the time to share the ideas, which worked for your relationship you can in turn be helping others heal and grow.

~Just a thought by Pamela

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This post was previously published on Change Your Mind Change Your Life.

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