With the recent focus on mental health, the dial has turned somewhat when it comes to taking better care of yourself. There are still, however, many of us who suffer from toxic productivity and relaxation guilt.
No idea what those things are? You’re not alone, but there is a very good chance you’ve been affected by both.
What Is Toxic Productivity?
- To do lists
- Meetings
- Meetings about meetings
- Endless home improvement projects
- Early mornings and late nights
- “Of course, I’ll take on that project!”
Sound familiar?
Doing, then doing more, then just a bit extra to the point of exhaustion comes with its own perverse kind of pride and perceived respect.
Over the years an unspoken understanding has developed that busy is always better and not busy equals lazy. So much so, in fact, that stress, anxiety, and worry (and the medications that control them), are just part of daily life for many.
This is toxic productivity.
The pressure to be busy and productive affects all vocations as well. Whether you’re a financial analyst, construction worker, teacher, stay-at-home parent, or 10-year-old, the silent expectation that you fill all moments of your day with something “productive” still exists.
The Result Of Toxic Productivity – Relaxation Guilt
The need to earn the always-busy-how-do-they-do-it badge has created a number of coping and behavioral problems for many people.
- A constant need to “do something” about nearly everything means an inability to just let things happen as they naturally would.
- Impatience and inability to give space to others and reflect on problems and for personal growth.
- Discomfort with things that have a process or take time (sometimes more than planned).
And,
- Relaxation guilt.
Of all the problems created by a toxic productivity mindset, relaxation guilt just may be the worst.
Consider this scenario:
A new mom with 9-month-old takes a nap in the middle of the day while her baby naps. Her husband calls and wakes her. Her reaction is panic and to immediately cover-up the fact that she’d been sleeping. Napping, after all, isn’t productive. There were a million things she could have been doing while the baby was sleeping.
This is relaxation guilt.
This is a true story that began a downward spiral for a woman I counseled. Let me be clear and fair, her husband wasn’t the cause of her guilt – that was all her and her intense need to be productive because that’s “what you’re supposed to do.” And what you must do to be a “good mom.”
Many of us have dealt with relaxation guilt.
How do I know?
Well, because I do, I counsel people who do, and according to the US Travel Association the average worker forfeited close to 5 days of vacation time last year (2021) in order to keep working.
Relaxation guilt isn’t just about vacation either.
It’s extremely common to feel guilty when you take a break or do something just for you, or nothing at all because doing “nothing” is what you need. Just ask that new mom.
What Relaxation Guilt Does To You And Your Relationships
We can all pay lip service to the need for rest, relaxation, a break, and self-care. In fact, since the Covid pandemic “self-care” has become its own booming industry. But the reality is that toxic productivity and relaxation guilt are still alive and well.
So, let’s look a bit closer at some of what the constant go and do, take-no-naps, hobbies-are-for-the-weak approach is doing to us and our relationships.
- Inability to enjoy. Friends, family, down time, etc. When you are caught up in toxic productivity you lose the ability to just enjoy. It seems strange, but if you’ve gotten to the point where the only thing you really can say you enjoy is work (whatever it’s form), you’ve lost your understanding of what real enjoyment is.
- Lack of laughter. People with relaxation guilt have a hard time achieving the deep, uncontrolled, and freeing release of spontaneous laughter. You know what I mean – tears rolling out of your eyes, abs hurt the next day, almost can’t breathe kind of laughter. This kind of laughter releases tensions, offloads stress, and creates an immediate feeling of joy that’s necessary for our mental and physical health.
- Communication breakdown. Being so focused on being productive and checking boxes means you begin to erode your own communication skills. This is in part because you fall out of practice and in part because you fail to recognize the need and worth of deep communication with others. As a result, people often destroy relationships and even marriages since good communication is essential for keeping those things healthy.
- Lost time. This is best understood in the context of children. 2 turns into 20 much more quickly than people realize. By the time many realize their priorities have been skewed, they’ve lost time they can’t get back. Not only does this affect their relationship with their children, that realization can lead to a cascade of other things like midlife crisis and depression.
- Broken relationships. A healthy relationship means you need to be able to enjoy each other and relax together. If you can’t relax on your own or find enjoyment in life, you aren’t likely to be able to enjoy your partner.
- Mental and physical health problems. Lack of down time and a hyperfocus on being “productive” will lead to stress and anxiety which in turn wreak havoc on your internal biology.
And, oh yeah – you’re boring.
When you fail to let your brain rest, enjoy your surroundings, and make time for fun, relaxing things, you narrow your ability to relate and connect with others, thus making you boring.
None of these things point to a positive outcome for your relationships or a fulfilling life for you.
You’ve Earned The Right To Rest
So, what’s a toxically productive person to do?
Know this: You’ve earned the right to rest.
There is no shame in downtime. Actually, to be truly productive downtime is required. Relaxation makes you:
- More creative
- More interesting
- More attuned to those around you
- Happier
And rest will ultimately reduce the conflict and stress within both yourself and your relationships. So, lose the guilt (it might take a few tries), take the nap, read the book, or just do nothing. You’ve earned it.
https://www.guystuffcounseling.com/counseling-men-blog/understanding-midlife-crisis-depression
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Shutterstock image
For some people (myself included), focusing on work is a way of avoiding other areas of life that are not as satisfying as they could be–such as relationships with friends and family.