While working on a women-focused project, Rio met, and started dating, a girl who initially perceived him to be “a beautiful little guy.” Rio had never been referred to in masculine terms, and the very idea opened up his mind to a new possibility about his identity. Though the relationship eventually dissolved, it marked a turning point in Rio’s life – he began consuming trans content on social media, using masculine terms, wearing men’s clothes, etc. When the pandemic hit in 2020 and Rio found himself living alone, he was finally faced with a now-or-never moment – either he pursue his gender identity, or die without ever fully exploring it. In little time, he got his first testosterone gel and finally began living his truth – with confidence, with love, and with care.
Transcript provided by YouTube:
My name is Rio and I am from Sonora, Mexico. In 2015 I was in a project called
“Voices of women, Stories that Transform”, where we were a group of colleagues who gave
workshops to women from all over the country so that they could use technological tools,
especially audiovisual ones, to tell stories of women in their communities. Within that project
I met a girl, with whom I began to have a relationship and it happened like this, that we were in front of my
computer working on her video and suddenly we turned around and saw each other and she told me: “Oh,
what a beautiful little guy.” And that shocked me a lot because no one had ever mentioned me in
masculine and this was something that I had hidden, but I had never paid attention to it or anything;
I felt very nice when she named me “little guy”. Also the fact that she will name me in
masculine made me want to start exploring that masculinity.
The relationship with this girl ended at some point, but for me it was super
important because it left me with this little tickle to continue exploring my gender expression,
how I wanted to be seen in front of the world. From there I began to investigate a lot, I began to follow
(especially Instagram accounts) of many trans boys, and it was very nice because I followed many of them
since they began their transitions and over the years I began to see all those changes happen.
and I realized that I was amazed a lot, I could spend hours watching them, as well as “Wow,
a lot has changed” and “Oh, here’s another one” and well, I was very excited and I also
thought a lot about ” And what would I look like? especially in people who were already using hormones.
During all those years since then, I was exploring my expression and I started to do that,
put together a lot of men’s clothing, I began to openly name myself as masculine and it
was in these years of the pandemic, just when the pandemic started I ran out of roommates,
I was left alone in my house and this was a moment of great introspection for me, spending a lot of
time with myself, and following everything online, continuing to see these trans people.
Well, it happened that problems began to be reflected, especially mental health,
and people close to me died, for me it was like realizing the fragility of
life. But what that moment left me with was saying “I’m going to do it now or I’m not going to do it”,
it was realizing that I could die, that there was a constant threat that
death was outside, everywhere, that’s why we were locked up and that if I didn’t do it
now then maybe I wasn’t going to do it and this was a moment that gave me a lot of courage.
I remember that I was watching a live of a couple of transgender people,
she began to talk about her identity, the identity of both, the strength that she felt
to be a trans couple, to live themselves and it moved me to such a level that I started to cry and
at that moment I grabbed the phone and I remember that I ordered two boxes of “Testogel” at the pharmacy
and for me it was like “Do it”, because you might die with this genuine curiosity that you have.
I remember that the gel arrived and it makes me laugh a lot right now because I remember that I had it in my
hands and I started to cry a lot and the truth is that I didn’t know to what degree I was moving until that moment
when I had it and I started crying, like that super brave to finally do something that I’ve been
wanting to do for years and I remember that day I went to eat with some friends and I didn’t
use the subway because all this latent danger was there, so I went by bicycle and
I ride a lot, no? But I remember that before I wanted to drive without hands,
letting go of the handlebars and it scared me, it lasted a very short time, but I remember that that time
I went about three kilometers driving without hands, even with my arms up, that way I was super happy ,
super safe, I felt tremendous self-confidence, tremendous security in myself. I felt super
happy with what I was doing and the thought even came to me “Wow,
no wonder men are like that, right? So sure of themselves.” Now that I’ve been taking it for almost two years,
if I notice that there are quite a few changes in my face, in my body, then I’m still
exploring how far I want to go, how I want to see myself, but if I’m clear that I like
being this person, this “weirdo” as I call him or this queer and the truth is that I feel super great
for having dared and still doing it. Taking the hormone has helped me affirm who
I am and how I stand in front of the world. That I don’t have to be that person I’ve always been,
that transitioning can also support me in changing or being what I imagine I
want to be and that’s why I’m doing it calmly, to do it with love and care for myself.
This post was previously published on YouTube.
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