Transform Your Relationships: Learn ‘Temporarily Not Responding’

During an argument with a partner, one may accidentally say hurtful words due to excessive emotions, causing unnecessary damage to the relationship. Clinical psychologist points out that during an argument, trying to practice “temporarily not responding” and calmly thinking about the current situation and what changes can be made by both parties before continuing to communicate with the partner, may improve the communication effectiveness between the two people and strengthen the relationship.

Looking back at the most troublesome interpersonal relationship, were you accustomed to speaking too much or often at a loss for words? For example, if you are currently most worried about your relationship with your mother and find that you always say things that “should not be said” or “need not be said” in front of her, leading to criticism or control from your mother, then you should start practicing by “not speaking”.

Not speaking is the core of change. Before new interpersonal cycles can occur, new reactions need to be made. Before new reactions can occur, thinking is required, and thinking requires time saved by “stopping” old reactions. In practice, many people find that “stopping” is the most difficult step.

Step 1: “Stop” responding during interactions You may wonder what it means to “stop” during interpersonal interactions since we do not have superpowers to freeze time and make everyone stop moving. If not that, then how should we do it? A better adjective would be “temporarily not responding.”

Not responding means not acting on your automatic reactions without thinking or not acting in the way the other person expects. You will find it challenging to stop your automatic reactions because it may be the action that you currently feel the most secure about, which is your “psychological defense.” Secondly, you will also find it challenging not to act according to the expectations of others. At this time, you will be highlighted in a situation where you are being “emotionally blackmailed” by others, which cannot be ignored, and can only be faced.

The key to stopping is not whether you respond at the moment, but whether you give yourself time to think and observe in response to the other person’s words or requests, or whether you are too afraid of the other person’s emotions and too afraid to be alone, so you don’t let yourself think and react directly.

Step 2: “Let me think” does not mean “reject” Not speaking is just one way of “stopping,” the point is not to immediately respond to the other person. At that moment, you can say, “Okay, I understand. I will think about it,” or “Hmm, I’ll think about it and get back to you.”

Interestingly, when I suggested this in the interview room, many people asked me, “Isn’t this too hurtful/insensitive/cold?” So, telling someone that you need to think is such a terrible thing in your mind? So, when the other person has their own thoughts and does not respond immediately, are you also hurt like this?

When someone says, “I need to think,” do you feel hurt? Stop and ask yourself why you feel hurt. Perhaps you want the other person to respond immediately, take care of your needs, and not leave you waiting. In your mind, does waiting mean rejection? Does waiting mean the other person doesn’t want to take care of you? Does waiting mean the other person doesn’t love you?

The objective fact is that you, as an adult, and your partner or anyone else deserve respect. You are like two circles intersecting, with both shared and unshared parts. When the other person says “I need to think,” you should respect the “self” that doesn’t intersect with you.

The reason you are that you have a self; the reason he is he is that he has a self. When both of you can listen to your own voices and make decisions after careful consideration, you will become more like yourselves, and your relationship will benefit.

You should also practice telling the other person “I need to think,” then listen to your own voice and make decisions that are more suitable for yourself, allowing your relationship to grow.

Step 3: Observe the other person and yourself, and think of a better response.

Every time someone speaks to you, please focus most of your attention on listening carefully. If you are eager to respond or spend your thoughts on considering your own wording, you will not be able to listen and think clearly. As you become more proficient in the process of “stop, observe, think, and respond,” the time spent is actually not as long as you think.

Try to imagine that there is a large table in your mind, and place the other person’s words on one side of the table for sorting and categorization. Analyze the thoughts and emotions that you received in the conversation, “Which thoughts and emotions came from the other person? Which ones belong to yourself?” Then, place the responses that you want to make on the other side of the table for inspection, “What is your most direct response? Why do you want to respond in this way? Can there be different responses? Are the results of different responses not what you want?”

There are many ways to inspect. As long as you can calm down and put everything on the table of your mind, you will automatically sort out many different discoveries.

What is more valuable in an intimate relationship is that each person can maintain their own unique thoughts and feelings. It is precisely because you are different from each other that you can enrich each other’s lives.

You need to learn to respect that everyone has a complete and independent soul, including yourself. You need to learn to value your own unique thoughts and emotions about things. Whether your thoughts and emotions are the same as the other person’s, you can choose a comfortable and relaxed way to respond.

In conclusion, effective communication in conflicts is essential for maintaining healthy relationships. A clinical psychologist suggests that practicing “temporarily not responding” during arguments can help individuals calm down and think about the situation before continuing to communicate with their partner. By doing so, communication can become more effective and relationships can become closer. Additionally, stopping automatic responses and taking time to think before reacting is crucial for creating new interpersonal cycles and building healthier relationships.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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