Triggered By a Simple Image

I wasn’t expecting it.

I was just opening a cupboard, reaching for something, when I saw our bowls. The ones with “Till Death Do Us Part” written across them. The ones we picked together, probably laughing at how dramatic they were.

But today, they weren’t funny.

They were a gut punch.

Because in some ways, it really was till death.

I nearly left this world.

And you were the one who found me.

And just like that, one simple image triggered everything

Memories, Pain, and the Beast I Became

The memories hit first. Us eating together. Laughing. The little, everyday moments that meant nothing at the time, but everything now.

Then came the pain. The realization that she might not be remembering these moments the way I am. Is she thinking of the good times too? Or is she only remembering the monster I became? The rage, the defensiveness, the outbursts?

The version of me that even I barely recognize? Because that day-the day that broke everything- I barely recognize myself.

The Battle Between Who I Was and Who I Am

That day, I was fighting two wars. One was with myself-the part of me that wanted to let go, the part that had been drowning in pain for so long. The other was with the beast-the rage, the shame, the darkness that twisted everything inside me.

When you found me that day, I saw it in your face. The fear. The heartbreak. The moment you realized just how far gone I was. And in that moment, I didn’t need an argument. I didn’t need logic or reasoning.

I needed you. But the beast fought back. Instead of letting myself be vulnerable, I snapped. I argued. I said things that weren’t me-things that still haunt me. And then, I walked out and said the words I regret most:

“It will be on your conscience.” Would I Have Gotten Worse? That moment took everything from me. And for the longest time, I thought you leaving was the final nail in the coffin.

That I had nothing left. That the one person who ever really saw me-who saw beyond the beast-was gone. But now, writing this, I see it differently.

Maybe you leaving didn’t destroy me. Maybe it saved me.

Because if you had stayed, I would have kept going down that same path, refusing help, making promises I couldn’t keep, burying everything deeper.

That day needed to happen. It forced me to see myself in a way I never had before. It forced me to finally face the reality of who I had become-and who I needed to be.

The Raw Version — Daily Thoughts & Feelings

As I started writing this, I was writing straight from the moment. The raw, unfiltered version of my thoughts poured out of me, and that will be posted in Daily Thoughts & Feelings -because some things need to be seen exactly as they were in the moment they were felt.

This post is me making sense of those emotions, organizing the chaos, and understanding what they mean.

So, Thank You.

Even if you never see this.

Even if we never speak again.

Even if you still see me as the man I was that day.

Thank you.

Because the beast inside me almost won that day. But it didn’t.

And maybe that means there’s still a chance for me to become the person I was always meant to be.

…

Originally published at http://rawandunfiltered6.wordpress.com on February 17, 2025.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.