Before you can trust yourself, you’ve got to know yourself.
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When working with others, “I don’t know” is a response I hear often. In actuality we always “know.” We know better than anyone, what we want, what we need, and why.
When I hear this response, typically one of two things is happening; the person has either disconnected from what they know, or what they know makes them so uncomfortable they subconsciously convince themselves they do not have the answer.
As a means of survival we disconnected from our authentic self and became whomever we needed to be in order to survive our environment.
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I refer to this “knowing” as our Innate Wisdom and consider it direct communication from our Soul. Additional terms you may have heard to describe this wisdom are gut instinct, intuition, higher self, inner knowing, the Soul, God, Great Spirit, and many more. I use the term Innate Wisdom because it is the term that has always resonated with me.
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How do we disconnect from our Innate Wisdom?
Inherent intelligence about who we are is something we all have and are connected to at birth, yet for various reasons, many of us become disconnected from it early in our lives. It may start with our well-meaning parent’s intention to raise children who are good and kind, but in their training they teach us to focus so much on being good stewards that caring for ourselves and being in touch with what we need, is forgotten or overlooked altogether.
Both of my in-laws were the first members in their families to be born in the United States as well as the first to speak English. With their parent’s best intentions for their children and a desire to blend in, my in-laws were raised to go with the flow and avoid confrontation at all cost. They in turn raised their son, my family and children’s father, to do the same. As you can imagine doing this, required them to disconnect from their innate wisdom; themselves, in order to fulfill what was being asked of them.
Often our response to knowing something that causes us great discomfort is to push so far away from it.
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Our disconnection can stem from trauma. If we grew up in an environment of violence, neglect, addiction or one that was highly dysfunctional in any way, as a means of survival we disconnected from our authentic self and became whomever we needed to be in order to survive our environment. This was the case for myself and my father. Each of us grew up with violence and in fear. Disconnection was our way of protecting ourselves and surviving our environment.
In either scenario, when we disconnect from our authentic self, we are automatically disconnected from our Innate Wisdom; as they are one and the same.
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How do we unconsciously convince ourselves that we do not know what we need?
Often, subconsciously and instinctively; our response to knowing something that causes us great discomfort is to push so far away from it, that we actually succeed in forgetting we know it.
It could be knowledge that tells us someone is not safe, or the business partner we are about to sign a contract with is not right for our project, but confrontation and disappointing others scares the hell out of us, so we push our Innate Wisdom aside and entertain all the reasons why this person is safe and or right for the project.
We run from discomfort because we do not realize we have the capacity to both feel it, experience all facets of it, and still be okay.
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Perhaps our Innate Wisdom reveals itself as a desire to end a relationship, change careers or majors, set a boundary, or go after a life-long dream, but if what we have to do to make our lives better requires us to move too far out of our comfort zone, most people will subconsciously choose to forget what they know and do nothing to improve their situation.
Some people live their entire lives on this path. Of course, none of us have to, nor are we meant to.
We run from discomfort because we do not realize we have the capacity to both feel it, experience all facets of it, and still be okay.
The discomfort stems from the thought of facing our fears, which runs the gamut from judgment, being misunderstood, abandonment, or loss of safety, to failure. We think of these possibilities as a danger to our well-being. However, none of the potentially feared outcomes can hurt us physically. They can challenge us emotionally, which in most cases is healthy for us and meets our basic human need to stretch and grow beyond who we were yesterday.
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How do we reconnect with our Innate Wisdom?
We reconnect with our Innate Wisdom in stillness. Begin with ten minutes each morning. Do this long enough and you will intuitively be lead to create a daily practice that is perfect for you. A quiet place is ideal. Start with a question; “What am I feeling now?”, or “What is my greatest need now?”
Lasting change takes time, but desire coupled with consistent effort will get you there.
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I first did this exercise 21 years ago and I asked, “What is my greatest need?” The answer was “Be Still”. At the time, I was very unhappy with my life, didn’t know how to make it better, nor what my contribution was to my unhappiness.
I thought being crazy-busy was a sign of success. I heard “be still” as “be idle” and that had negative connotations to it. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it for another 9 years. I see now what a profound and perfect message it was for me at that time in my life.
Trust whatever answer you receive in response to your question, no matter how insignificant it might seem to you. Get curious about what it can mean to you and your life.
If an answer does not come right away, it is okay. Let the question linger in the mind and know that it’s on its way. It may surface while in the car, on a walk, or in the middle of the night, but it will come.
Asking the question begins the process of moving the information we’re asking for, from our subconscious mind to our conscious mind.
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Lasting change takes time, but desire coupled with consistent effort will get you there. In the beginning, you may first notice a difference in how you feel about your life, and how you respond to the life experiences that require you to move outside of your comfort zone. Over time, you will become aware of knowing what you need most in life and why. Trust in this knowing, it is your Innate Wisdom leading you to the very things that will serve you best and bring meaning and fulfillment to your life.
Being our self, is the greatest gift we can offer to the world and everyone we love.
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My dad never reconnected with his authentic self. However, in his last year I saw him trying to break free of old harmful patterns. I saw glimpses of who he was without the violence and rage. I got to hear about the things he used to dream about as a young boy and the disappointment and regrets he had. I heard about some of his adventures. One of his favorite memories was when he and his brothers used to strip to their underwear and swing out into a pond, they passed by on their way home from school, on warm late Summer days.
My dad worked as a young boy and most days of his life until he could no longer get around on his own. At that time, he came to live near me. I used to take him to work with me at his request. I was a Realtor at the time, and he would sit in the car and watch me work with people and if he were in earshot of us, he would roll down his window and listen to my conversations with clients. Back in the car, he would ask me questions and give me advice. This had not been the nature of my relationship with him ever. It was both awkward and comforting at times.
I did reconnect with my innate wisdom and my father was able to witness that before he died. Which meant he got to know me. I was thankful for that. In his own words, he let me know that he admired me and respected who I had become.
Being our self, is the greatest gift we can offer to the world and everyone we love. I believe to do so is why we are here. I think of our innate wisdom as our very own North Star, always leading us to the things that nurture our soul and keep us choosing and creating a life that is in alignment with who we are authentically meant to be.
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Photo: Getty Images