Breakups can be devastating, but they don’t have to be. Try this to help you through a bad breakup.
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After a bad breakup (or any breakup from a long-term relationship), I spend a lot of time thinking about what went wrong, so I can learn and get clarity.
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I ask myself a bunch of clarifying questions:
- Exactly what went wrong?
- When did I first notice a problem?
- Did I talk about the issues right away or shove them under the rug?
- Did I communicate my feelings and needs clearly and compassionately throughout the relationship?
- Was I my authentic self, or did I sometimes shy away from my truth in oder to keep the peace?
- And finally, if I was the one initiating the breakup, did I do it in the most dignified and caring way possible?
The key is to learn from your relationship so you can do better next time.
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One of the best ways to process a breakup is by getting those thoughts and questions out of your head and into a letter to your ex. WARNING: Don’t send that letter! It’s just for you.
How to structure your ‘Dear Ex’ letter:
- Tell him/her what qualities attracted you.
- Write about the gifts of the relationship, what you appreciated most.
- What did you learn about yourself in the relationship?
- What will you do differently next time?
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Here’s my “Dear Ex” letter to my last long-term boyfriend:
Dear Ex,
For two years, I went on lots of first and second dates with men. I didn’t feel a strong connection with them for one reason or another.
And then I met you. From the very first phone conversation, we clicked.
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And then I met you. From the very first phone conversation, we clicked. There was a sense of understanding each other, of being ‘home’. You made me think and laugh—a rare combination. I sensed your warmth and compassion, your creativity, and your zest for life.
On our first date, we talked non-stop until they kicked us out of the restaurant when it closed. We continued talking over tea at another restaurant. We were both pretty excited for our next date.
In between dates, I looked forward to our evening calls, talking late into the night about books we read and movies we’d seen, about our kids and our work. We never ran out of things to say.
After a month, I knew I wanted to be exclusive, to focus on getting to know only you. This was the first time I ever asked a man to be exclusive—that’s how much potential I saw in “us”.
And I liked that you were upfront and honest about your ‘issues’. You told me you were working on them, and I respected that. Yes, I went in knowing about your red flags—with my eyes wide open.
What type of red flags?
- You smoked, and I swore I’d never date a smoker. But they were electronic cigarettes, and the smell didn’t bother me. Plus, you promised you were trying to quit, and you’d be reducing the amount of nicotine. That made it less of a deal breaker at first.
- You disclosed that you had credit card debt. We’re talking MAJOR debt. You explained that it was to help with a custody issue, and my heart went out to you. I wanted you to regain visitation with your daughter. You promised me you were working on paying it down, and I believed you. I even gave you a contact who could help you.
- Your car was falling apart. There was something wrong with the engine, and I felt unsafe driving with you. PLUS, you drove someone’s kids a few days a week after school in order to pay down your debt. I admired your desire to make some extra money, but driving kids in an unsafe car? Irresponsible. Red flag!
Why did I date you in spite of the red flags? I believed you when you told me you were taking care of all the issues. I gave you the benefit of the doubt. I knew it would take some time to make good on your promises.
Over the next few months, I noticed…
- You were not following through on your commitments to quit smoking, pay down your debt, or get your car fixed.
- You were spending money recklessly on expensive items of clothing that you didn’t need.
- You were planning expensive trips that we’d take together, expensive concerts you wanted to take me to.
I told you how unsafe I felt when you didn’t follow through on your promises. You promised you’d do better, but nothing changed. You asked, “How can you expect me to make major changes in such a short time?”
I didn’t expect you to solve all your problems in a few weeks or months.
Small changes lead to big results. No change leads to stagnation.
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I did hope you’d make good on your promise by moving forward, step by step, towards resolving the issues. Small changes lead to big results. No change leads to stagnation.
I could not stay in a relationship with a man who didn’t follow through on his word, who lacked the incentive to change and grow, someone who made false promises and procrastinated. Those were deal breakers for me.
I had lost respect for you. And as a result, I was done.
I invited you to dinner to break up with you in person, with dignity.
Your behavior that night confirmed that I was making the right decision. You were angry. You were mean and vengeful, sarcastic and ugly. I couldn’t wait to get away.
I learned some important things from you, and for that I want to thank you.
a. I learned to pay closer attention to red flags. I’m glad I gave you a chance and didn’t immediately walk away after you disclosed the big issues you were dealing with. I wanted to give you a chance because I liked you so much. In the future, if someone says they’re working on their stuff and there’s no follow-through, I’ll walk away sooner.
b. How a person argues says a lot about him/her. Thank you for reinforcing the importance of how a person behaves during an argument. Conflict is a natural part of any healthy relationship. But when a partner gets defensive, walks away, or blames me, that’s a big warning sign. I will address it immediately. If nothing changes, I will leave.
Our early argument foreshadowed how you would behave during our breakup; with spite, anger, and name-calling. It was the ugliest breakup I’d ever experienced, and it said a lot about your character.
In spite of it all, thank you. Having met you, I know there’s someone out there who has your wonderful qualities minus the red flags. That’s the man I’m looking forward to meeting someday soon.
Wishing you only the best in life and love.
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Whatever you choose to do after a bad breakup, please don’t just point a finger at your ex. The more you can take responsibility for your share, the faster you’ll heal. You’ll maintain your self-worth and eventually go on to find your right-fit partner.
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Have you ever written a letter to an ex? Please share how you’ve worked through a difficult breakup.
Photo: Flickr/Adam Kuśmierz
I think this is a very useful tool. I always try to think of what I learned about myself. My problem is I do t write it down which would help me to remember it in the next relationship.
Charlotte,
You’re already thinking about the breakup to learn about what worked/didn’t work. That’s wonderful! Writing it down will definitely take it to the next level. You don’t have to wait until the next relationship. If you want to learn more about the past to inform the future, you can write a letter to one of your exes today. I think you’ll find it very helpful.
I love this letter! But it seems to point more to his faults and not Whatever you choose to do after a bad breakup, please don’t just point a finger at your ex. The more you can take responsibility for your share, the faster you’ll heal. How did you in this letter take responsibility for your part??
Thanks for your comment and question. I did write about what I learned about myself in this relationship; “I learned to pay closer attention to red flags.” “In the future, if someone says they’re working on their stuff and there’s no follow-through, I’ll walk away sooner.” “But when a partner gets defensive, walks away, or blames me, that’s a big warning sign. I will address it immediately. If nothing changes, I will leave.” I have learned from each relationship and applied it to the next. I speak up early on if something doesn’t feel right. I honor and respect men,… Read more »