There’s nothing stagnant about marriage, and that includes the roles of husband and wife.
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I watched the tears stream down her face as the pit in my stomach emerged like an internal “Big Bang.” Everything was blurred at this moment. I focused on her eyes redding and swelling as new tears formed and fell from her green eyes and worked their way down the sides of her cheeks. It was hard not to feel some sense of responsibility. I did not say anything or do anything to create this outward display of anguish, but I was still culpable.
When we found out she was pregnant, the biggest concern my wife had was what it would mean for her job. The impending birth of our first baby and everything else that coincides with that would be something we would and did think about for the entirety of the pregnancy. Her job, though, at that time was her identity. My wife was a career woman.
While I had found success as well, my earnings paled in comparison to her and it was clear that the burden of providing for our growing family was now resting on her shoulders, whether we wanted it that way or not.
The statistics did not make the transition from not pregnant to expecting any easier for a woman who had spent her entire adult life building her resume brick-by-brick.
In a Cornell University study by Shelley J. Correll, Stephen Benard, and In Paik, A mother was half as likely to be promoted as a childless woman, was offered $11,000 less in salary, on average, and was held to higher performance and punctuality standards.
She cried the first day she went into work after we found out the news. A time of joy and excitement was infiltrated with fear and the unknown. We fought through it. She fought through it, and the confidence her employers instilled in her made the next 9 months easier. Not easy, but easier.
These tears, however were our new reality.
The moment our son was born, my wife’s identity was no longer solely as a career woman or as a wife, but as a mother first.
Like most first time parents, the infinite love we now witnessed was both overwhelming and amazing. Now, it wasn’t a case of what would happen at work, but rather “I don’t want to go back to work.”
The constant struggle was now put into my ball park. My wife no longer wanted to be a career woman, she wanted to be a mom, and that’s it.
I told her we could make it work with what I was making. I had recently purchased a share of the business I was involved with and was making enough to support us, or so I thought. Yet it left my wife unsure, and the growing resentment of her having to go back to work became the elephant in the room that got bigger and bigger as she came closer to coming off maternity leave.
This was the first moment I felt the real pressure to resume the old traditional roles of male breadwinner and provider. Before that, I always viewed my role as one of two pillars in my family. My role was not to support my family solely, but rather to be one of the cornerstones with support both emotionally and financially. We had never discussed specific gender roles nor was it expected for one of us to take the lead on certain aspects of our “arrangement.”
I can only assume I’m not alone.
According to a 2013 study by Pew Research’s Social and Demographic Trends, A record 40% of all households with children under the age of 18 include mothers who are either the sole or primary source of income for the family.
That same study mentions the stress we were now experiencing as my wife went back to work, which meant traveling away from her baby.
About three-quarters of adults (74%) say the increasing number of women working for pay has made it harder for parents to raise children, and half say that it has made marriages harder to succeed. At the same time, two-thirds say it has made it easier for families to live comfortably.
So what were we supposed to do? What was I supposed to do?
As one of these pillars, it was clear that my other pillar was starting to quiver at the idea of adding one more element to her identity, and would rather shed one piece to make room for her new title as “Mom.” At the same time, the career woman inside of her refused to die a peaceful death.
She went on that trip and it was miserable. Since then, the last 18 months have been full of heartaches and tears as every work trip nears. Every forced departure from home means more and more pounds being placed upon me to be that provider my wife now desperately needs.
For me, as a small business owner, I know the only thing that will get us to the place we both want is patience, time and a little luck. We both see the endgame, it’s just getting there that is the tough part.
In the end, the most important thing is that my wife and I continue to be the two pillars that keep our family strong. While our roles and responsibilities may change, the support we have for each other is the most important thing. When she cries, it’s not a function of my inability so give her what she needs, but rather the impetus to create the foundation that works for us.
Her tears are not a function of my need to change my traditional roles, but to continue my role as an equal pillar. Without that, we would fall just like those tears that bring me and my wife so much pain.
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Photo Credit: Samuli Lindstrom/flickr
It’s a tough one. Women’s lib over the years really did a number on expectations of both men and women. Not all in a bad way but still we’re not quite there yet on how we really can have it all vs what we think we should be. When you want material things as bad as careers or freedom then that is a stressor for sure. Being clear of what you really want is the key. Hard though to discern at times though. But we’ll worth the effort to try.