Anger is a perfectly normal emotion and you could expect to feel some anger when you’ve been treated badly. The initial emotion isn’t the real issue. It’s the choices you make after the point which have the potential to be damaging.
If your temper frequently escalates, you might believe that it’s out of your control and there is little that can be done. However, you have far more control over your emotions than you think.
The key is to discover a way to express your anger without hurting others.
Your needs are more likely to be met when you’re able to express yourself appropriately. Like any other skill, managing your emotions will take some work. But it gets easier with time, and the payoff is tremendous. Your life will be happier and healthier. Your relationships and work-life will get better.
Keep in mind your anger is simply a message some part of you believes something is wrong. Your emotion served its purpose. Now it is up to you to take the message and respond accordingly to fix the situation in an appropriate manner.
What is anger?
Anger is a powerful emotion, which can take over a person’s ability to think rationally. Anger causes the brain to process incoming data as a threat. It triggers the brain to implement the fight or flight response. In addition, anger intensifies the need to protect oneself.
Image courtesy of writer, 2020
Anger often is described as a negative internal feeling state. However, anger is almost always a secondary emotion. The reason is to cover and protect someone from pain, hurt, disappointment, or frustration. The emotions under anger are often too painful to feel, so anger comes to the rescue.
While the explanation doesn’t excuse the behaviors used when you are angry, the concept helps us grasp the powerful ability of the brain to keep us safe. Our level of anger ranges from mild irritation to blind rage. People express anger either verbally or non-verbally. It’s an automatic reaction to any real or imagined insult, frustration, or injustice.
Anger is an emotion inherent at birth. Anger is one of the many emotions we experience as a human being. We are born with happiness, sadness, anger, etc. Many believe anger is wrong or bad.
The good news, it is not wrong or bad. Anger is an emotion, which informs us of something going wrong according to our perceptions. Anger management teaches us we have two choices after we get angry: a good choice or a bad choice. The education we receive reminds us how to pause, and consider our next best choice whether in the form of action, non-action, or in what we say or do not say.
…
Photo by Yoann Boyer on Unsplash
Calm versus angry brain
When the brain reacts from a calm place, such as a Bruce Banner brain concept, it has reason, logic, and empathy toward others most of the time. In the Avengers, Dr. Banner is a soft spoken scientist who maintains a calm stature until he gets angry.
The moment he rages, his heart beat races and the transformation begins.
He transforms into the giant Green Hulk. Unreasonable, angry, and unwilling to listen to logic, he reacts and destroys anything in his path. When we enter into the Hulk brain, we struggle to maintain composure and balance our mind into a wise mind. The one person who could calm him acts much like our escape strategies (so we have a time out in place when we first notice our energy shifting).
Often, after a display of anger or the explosion state of varying degrees, the person who releases the onslaught tends to have a post-explosion depression, which then creates a victim-stance or a avoidance, withdrawal state. When this occurs over repeated experiences, the people involved in the scenario begin to walk on eggshells.
In healthy relationships, an argument, uncomfortable discussion or anger usually is expressed and problems can be solved with both partners/family members working on their issues. We might suggest a break for a few hours and return to discuss things without the heated exchange of words we will regret.
When we take the time to stop and reflect, maybe we can see the other person’s perspective. Once we resume the conversation, if it is something you have to let drop, and agree to disagree, healthy relationships allow the impasse to take place.
In unhealthy relationships, bitterness, feuds, and the desire to win creates a battle. Partners or family members may hold the anger inside and never let anyone know of how they are feeling until they are hulked out: rage built up over many, tiny infractions.
The end result is resentment, contempt, and soon separation.
The painful movement away from relationship begins the moment we stop communicating, and begin holding in unspoken anger. Rebuilding from an angry onslaught takes time, effort, and uncomfortable action (apologies, genuine and heartfelt, and a desire to refuse to give into the rage again). Often, one cannot do so without help from an accountability partner or other group support.
Relationships are fragile when resentment builds and the partner who felt your energy of rage has to work through their pain and disbelief. They might criticize instead of consider your efforts. You’ll feel like the world is stuck and you are in the spotlight. Guess what? You are! You are in the spotlight because of the inability to control your rage/angry outbursts.
At times, this might seem unfair.
However, one of the vital aspects of healing means you stop thinking about your feelings and check your behavior. Next, consider the feelings of your partner/children, or coworkers, or anyone else affected by your behaviors.
As counter-intuitive as this sounds, when you take the time to consider the feelings of others, your ability to remain centered and logical with your prefrontal cortex in place builds trust.
…
Anger is a biological, normal protective factor we often feel needs to vanish. Instead, use your anger to propel you toward greater change.
As you heal your inner Hulk, remember the mantra: Check yourself before you wreck yourself. As cliché as it sounds, it does help to look at your behaviors with a microscope while you openly encourage your partner, etc. To open up and share their feelings. Trust me, its worth the effort to maintain and healthy and strong relationship.
~Just a thought by Pamela
…
Note: Excerpt from my book,Catch The Spark of Your Anger:
Rebuild Healthy Connections, in progress.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info?
A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Shutterstock
