Admit it, it would be a truly boring world if we all had perfectly happy and harmonious relationships and interactions. Although—it would also be a world without country music, so there’s something to consider. But truthfully, it is the melodrama of life that feeds our desire to grow, change and evolve.
Everyone who has ever met another person has had the experience of finding that sometimes their initial, besotted reaction ultimately ends up getting lumped into the “what-was-I-thinking?” category. We all have emotional triggers and buttons that can get activated by meeting the wrong person at the right time (or the right person at the wrong time). Attraction and adoration can devolve into revulsion or boredom.
With revulsion being the more interesting experience, in fact.
Okay, we’re HUMAN and we are deeply programmed by our upbringing, our environment, the culture, the media, the era, and I could go on. Half the time we don’t know if WE are the one reacting or if the collective unconscious is. So how the heck does ANYONE form a healthy bond with a beloved?
Well, the first step is obviously KNOW THYSELF. Look at your personal history and get a feel for what draws you into relationships to begin with (romantic or platonic). Are you a caregiver, looking for someone to fix or just look up to you? Are you a professional victim, who thinks the world (and your lover) need to tiptoe around your wounding? Are you a placater (or do you need to be placated)?
Honestly, we all have our issues and getting in touch with your own is the first and most important step to understanding how to relate to another person in a healthy way. Because who’s the worst sort of person to engage with? A know-it-all with a superiority complex!
So don’t be that guy (or gal). For starters.
At the same time, realize that whoever you have drawn into your life is, in fact, a REFLECTION of you in some way. Maybe your best self, maybe your shadow self, maybe your karma (sorry, such a b*tch). So the very first thing you need to do when you start feeling annoyed (or itchy or like you NEED TO ESCAPE AT ANY COST!)???
LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
I had this come up recently (actually, it comes up all the damn time, but here’s an example) with some extended family members who confronted me about some behavior of mine they had determined was unacceptable. When I tried to explain my behavior, I was accused of lying (I wasn’t) but the reality was I hadn’t fully contemplated the situation from their perspective (nor had they from mine) so upon doing so, I decided to apologize, although previous to the confrontation I had no idea I had hurt or offended anyone. But the lying thing stuck in my craw—so I took a look in the mirror.
In doing so, I realized that part of the reason they had NOT contemplated the situation from my perspective is that I had not been entirely honest about it. While the particulars they accused me of lying about were not true (or fair), the general reality was I had been putting a “sunny side up” face on a difficult time in my life, so they had really no clue of where I was coming from or the challenges I faced at the time of the situation in question.
Because, you know, they aren’t PSYCHIC.
Outside of clinical abuse, MOST of us engage in some dysfunctional finger-pointing and abdication of personal responsibility in MOST of our primary relationships.
Because, you know, we are HUMAN. (It’s a thing.)
The only way to heal this tendency is hyper-vigilance about our own (NOT the OTHER’S) motivation. We cannot heal or fix or change anyone who is not in the process of doing these things on their own. So if you are in a relationship where you are constantly dealing with an intolerable behavior/attitude etc., get the HECK out of DODGE.
Let them do the work they need to do while you focus on why you drove into Dodge to begin with—and yes, there is a reason.
We are not in relationship by happenstance.
We are in relationship to grow and learn and evolve and yes, sometimes LEAVE.
Growing, learning and evolving are meant to lead to CHANGE.
Otherwise, you are not doing it right.
Your relationships will reflect you and your current state of development quite expertly, and until you recognize and work with this, you are doomed to repeat the same unhealthy loops you have been spinning for years on end.
So when your partner is being selfish, cruel, idiotic, unfeeling, disengaged, etc—LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
Are they reflecting you?
Or are they reflecting your beliefs about you?
Either way, time to make a change.