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Walking In The Rain
Oliver Cain, Bristol, SWE, UK
From Dads Behaving DADLY 2: 72 More Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2015 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission. By Hogan Hilling and Al Watts.
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I opened the door, and the rain was pouring. It was a half mile walk to school, which can take anywhere from fifteen to forty-five minutes with my five and six-year-old.
Already feeling agitated because we woke up late and I had not made any preparations the night before, I shunted my children through the morning routine at double speed. The clock in my head had been ticking while the tension built and pulsed inside me. It seeped out through my tone of voice and body language as I demanded compliance from my children in order to tick the morning’s tasks off my to-do list at a pace that would hopefully get us to school on time.
My kids, sensing my mood, naturally refused to do what I asked, switching off in an unconscious effort to shield themselves from my impatience and stress. I had warned them we would have to go fast to avoid getting wet. My son was deep in a moment of play with his Lego man, my daughter cleaning stones she found on the beach. My instructions fell on deaf ears.
We finally left the house, and my son began to saunter, as if on a relaxing Sunday afternoon stroll: hands in his pockets, staring into space, looking thoughtful. I could see his mouth moving; he seemed to be quietly talking to himself. My daughter, who normally hates the discomfort of getting cold and wet, was looking towards the sky with an open-mouthed smile, rain pattering on her face, the drips slipping off her nose and splashing onto her tongue. Every time a drop hit she shouted with delight, “Daddy, Daddy look at this!”
I was not watching. My brain was turning over and over, my internal monologue repeating itself, “She’ll get wet and have a tantrum. We’ll be late. They will be crying and have a miserable day. Everyone will think I am a terrible dad for arriving at school late with wet children.”
I have noticed lately that one of my worst triggers for stress is my fear of judgment from other parents. I sometimes wonder if this is my insecurity as a dad.
I checked my watch. Ten minutes had passed, and we had gone only about 200 yards from the door. I was already wet. I could see dark patches appearing on my son’s trousers where the water was falling off the end of his coat. My daughter’s dress had started to get wet around the neck in just the way that seems to irritate her the most.
“Come on Kids! We need to move FAST, or we will be soaking wet and be late.”
Nothing.
I repeated what I had said, not any louder but feeling a bit more frustration creep into my tone. Three times I did this and still no response. Then, out of nowhere, my son asks, “Daddy where does it go?”
And this is it! This is my trigger! I thought, “How dare he ignore me repeatedly and then ask a question!”
I took a few deep breaths to try to calm my panicking brain. I walked over and got down, so our eyes meet at my son’s level, and we started to talk. As he explained to me what he was seeing and asked me questions, I allowed myself to engage further instead of allowing my anxiety to take over, and we start to connect.
I have stepped into his world, and it was a lovely place, where the most important thing right now was why the water flowed, what was in the water, and where it goes when it disappears down the drain.
My daughter came over to listen, and we chatted for what felt like ages but was probably only about three minutes – three amazing minutes.
I looked again at my watch, the stress and tension returning. I could feel my heart beating faster. Again I breathed. Now connected with my children in their world, I tried to slowly and logically explain the decision we must make together about getting to school. I said, “we are running a bit late and getting wet. If you don’t mind being late, we can stay here and watch some more, but if you want to be on time, we need to walk faster. I am also a bit worried that you will get wet and be uncomfortable at school.”
My daughter turns and looks at her brother. “We don’t like being late, do we? We’ll miss going in with our friends?”
“No, let’s go,” my son replies. “Yeah, let’s go now, we’ll catch raindrops on the way.”
Maybe we did not spend as long as we could have. Maybe, in a perfect world, we would have walked all the way at the speed of the flowing water. But with the power in their hands, my kids were able to make a decision that was right for them, and I was able to relax, knowing they were happy with the control and understood the consequences of their decision.
I am still learning.
I am learning to keep in touch with what is going on for me in my response to situations that challenge my usual way of doing things. When my children slow or stop to notice something or make the most of an experience, I try to imagine myself in their world, full of new wonders, question, and unknowns. Only then can I really experience their perspective in its full, magical glory.
Now that I have started to share these moments with them, we have begun to build deeper connections, and our relationships continue to expand in new, wonderful ways.
I have certainly learned from them and slowing down is my new shortcut to happiness. I have learned to walk in the rain.
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Oliver Cain is the primary caregiver for his five-year-old daughter and 6-year-old son. He works and volunteers part-time around school runs, housekeeping, and all the other stuff being a dad requires. He is also a content contributor and Administrator on the www.BecomingDad.com.au Facebook Page.
Hogan Hilling is a nationally recognized and OPRAH approved author of 12 published books. Hilling has appeared on Oprah. He is the creator of the DADLY book series and the “#WeLoveDads” and “#WeLoveMoms” Campaigns, which he will launch in early 2018. He is also the owner of Dad Marketing, a first of its kind consultation firm on how to market to dads. He is also the founder of United We Parent. Hilling is also the author of the DADLY book series and first of its kind books. The first book is about marketing to dads “DADLY Dollar$” and two coffee table books that feature dads and moms. “DADLY Dads: Parents of the 21st Century” and “Amazing Moms: Parents of the 21st Century.” Hilling is the father of three children and lives in southern California.
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Originally published in Dads Behaving DADLY 2: 72 More Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2015 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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