Want More From Someone? Do Not Chase; Do This Instead

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In today’s new video, I share very specific principles that will be useful the next time you feel like you’re getting carried away with someone you like. And remember, no one (including yourself!) should make you feel like you’re “not enough.” No matter who you’re dating, by investing in yourself, you can come into any situation feeling like an equal.

Transcript provided by YouTube [unedited]:

A Common Mistake in Early Dating

I wanted to talk today about a common mistake that we make when we’re really excited about someone we’re attracted to. And we want to bring them closer to us. We want to turn it into something lasting. And maybe we feel like that person is a little bit out of reach or we’re not entirely sure of how they feel about us. We find ourselves investing more and more in them to try to secure the relationship.

In the process, the things that are important in our life right now, whether it’s our friends, our family, our hobbies, the things that give us a sense of value and identity in our lives, start to fade into the background as we make this person the focus of all of our attention.

Why do we do this? Well, when we really want to find love and we suddenly meet someone who seems to epitomize everything we’ve been looking for–when we’ve decided based on this person’s qualities, characteristics, appearance, and actions that this is the love we’ve been looking for. And all of a sudden, it feels like there is nothing more important in the world than securing this thing.

We do the one thing in this moment that is the opposite of what we should be doing. We should be grounding ourselves in the things that are important in our own life, connecting to these things that give us a sense of worth outside of a person. Yet, we lose connection with all of those things and get drawn into the gravitational pull of how do I please this person? How do I make this person mine? How do I make them want me?

Trying harder when we want to get someone is actually an instinct that works against us. Because someone doesn’t become more attracted to us or want us more simply because we’re trying harder. When they feel us trying harder, it can make them pull away or feel like they can control the situation. It makes us more anxious, and we drift even further from the things that matter in our lives as we try to focus all our energy on the person we’re attracted to.

There’s a story that Mark Manson talks about in his book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” about a guy called David Mustaine who got kicked out of the band Metallica and went on to start the band Megadeth, which was a hugely successful band. David Mustaine struggled with the idea that he would never be truly successful unless he outdid his old band, Metallica, who were much more successful in terms of album sales and popularity. Mark Manson then compares this story to the story of Pete Best, who was kicked out of the Beatles but went on to have a very happy life. The difference between the two is that Pete Best valued different things.

If we want to be happy, we have to learn to value the right things. When we meet someone who represents our dream, we have to double down on the meaning we get from the other areas of our life, whether it’s our hobbies, passions, friends, family, etc. Those things are what bring us perspective and a sense of worth outside of a person.

Confidence is like a table supported by different legs. Each leg represents a different part of our life that gives us strength, meaning, and purpose. When we find something we really want, that’s when we have to double down on those legs supporting our confidence, instead of letting go of them.

Real confidence is the ability to say no to things we do want when they’re not right for us. We need to have “F-You Confidence” – the confidence to say no to things that aren’t right for us, no matter how impressive they may seem externally.

So, when you meet someone attractive and you feel like they could be an important part of your life, remember to invest in yourself and the other things that give your life meaning. Don’t let the new relationship diminish you and your sense of self-worth. Stay connected to what is valuable in your life and know that you are enough, no matter what someone else’s external achievements or appearance may be. Confidence comes from investing in yourself and valuing the right things.

[Music]

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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