Want To Build Relationships in One Conversation?

A 3-minute read which might change all your future relationships.

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Ever wondered how some people are able to get to know others right away?

It’s not exactly about how they build a connection or how they get close to others, no, not just that, it is how others seem to share personal details right away. They somehow get others to share personal info within minutes of getting to know them — in the first conversation, to be exact.

That’s a cool goal to have.

To be honest, I am one of those people. Or at least good enough to believe my secret is worth sharing.

If asked for a best guess or general advice, some will tell you the secret is to be a good listener — true, it is key, and not going to get you the goal on its own.

Others will say it’s all charisma and confidence — definitely plays a role, though many have the charisma and you still don’t find yourself telling them how you lost a parent at a young age and grew up barely seeing the other.

Yet other advice might be how it’s all about being non-judgmental, accepting all as they come as they are. Not wrong.

It’s all of the above, yet none of the above, is what I found to be the secret.

If you think it’s silly and won’t work, do try it first. Once I have discovered this is what I have been doing, I was amazed at its simplicity.

I even asked others to try it, and watched for others who don’t, and I remain confident this is the secret — mine at least.

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That one secret.

So what is this unheard-of secret?

Here is all it takes: it only takes one [more] question.

Hear me out before you dismiss it. One more question. All it takes is one more question and you will move a level deeper. The start of a deep relationship.

My research [i.e. endless, kinda obsessive, observations] showed me we stop one question short of getting to know someone.

It takes 3 questions, we usually ask 2.

Here’s how it usually goes.

Person 1: how was your weekend? [here’s question 1]
Person 2: great, thanks for asking.
Person 1: good to hear, what did you get up to? [enter question 2]
Person 2: my dad and I spent it together, watching movies and playing games.

Ok let me pause the conversation here. Because most people would stop here. They’d smile, nod, offer a conversation-ender like “oh sounds like fun”, or continue on a non-personal lane such as “what movie/games?”. Or share what they did on their own weekend.

All valid. And all are ways you missed an opportunity to get to know person 2.

If [a personal] question 3 is asked, you will get onto a more intimate path. For example, hearing they did something with their dad over the weekend, my next question would be, “do you just live with your dad?”. Ask this, and you are likely to discover something personal. Maybe their parents are divorced, or the other parent was away in some country visiting family [in other words, now you know where they’re from], or one of their parents sadly passed away.

Question 3 is a whole new world. It’s a different level.

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Stop missing out on Question 3.

The Western culture is a conservative one, fearful of overstepping or risking upsetting the person, hesitant to ask a question that could be seen as ‘none of our business’. Maybe it isn’t. Or maybe it is, and it’s ok, you ask the question, take the risk, and potentially get the reward of getting to know someone new — can’t be risk-free! It’s worth it.

I have watched this so often with colleagues and friends, knowing as I watch and listen how it would have just taken one more question to learn something personal.

Just one more, yet we all stop short of it. And risk losing out on a personal connection, a deeper relationship.

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So next time, as soon as you start feeling the ‘western’ anxiety, know you are one question away from a connection.

Go for it, it’s worth it. I swear, and live, by it.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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