What I’m about to tell you is so mind-numbingly basic you will probably think to yourself, “Wow, Einstein, is that the best you could come up with?”
Yep, it’s the very best advice I can give to a fellow man because I know how damn hard it is to stay focused on the basics. We tend to over-think and over-complicate matters of female love and affection.
If you golf you may remember the times you tried to focus on your feet, your grip, your club, your hips, your knees, your arms and the wind all at the same time. And then you shanked it. Ugh.
All you really needed to do was relax, watch the ball and trust your swing. Just three simple things. Do those three things consistently and you’ve got 90% of the game figured out.
It’s the same thing when it comes to creating an affectionate relationship. It’s not that complicated.
The basics matter more than anything else.
Your ability to be consistent in the basics is always more important than worrying about where the ball is going to go (the outcome). As soon as you lose focus on the basics the wheels will start coming off.
In this Part I article, I’ll explain three basic mistakes which will cause you to “shank it” every time you are hoping for more affection.
Next week in Part II I’ll explain three basic attributes of husbands who get all the affection they want.
The Difference between Affection we Get vs. Affection we Give
For the purpose of this article, I define female affection the way my clients describe it.
Female affection to us is any thought, word or action from her that feels kind, warm, loving, supportive, honoring, approving, accepting, respectful, cuddly, sweet or sexy. It’s the irreplaceable feeling of being wanted and appreciated. It’s a feeling of belonging and devotion.
You might say these same things apply to her equally. I’d agree, except for one thing.
Most of us will devour her affection even if she doesn’t really mean it. Even if she is doubting her own love and commitment to us. Even if it’s half-hearted. Most of us can’t tell the difference. And it feels so freaking good we just don’t care.
We want to believe it’s true, therefore we do so without question.
But we don’t have the same luxury. When we show her affection we better mean it.
Because she has a better bullshit detector. She is much more wary of the intent behind our affections. Because if we don’t mean it – it’s not real. It doesn’t count. It’s not affection to her. It feels like a game.
We will constantly struggle in our desire for female affection if we are disingenuous with ours.
That gets us started on #1 below.
3 Basic Mistakes that Kill All Wives Ability to Be Affectionate
Clarification: I’ve used the term “All Wives” here. By “all” I only mean 99.8%. I apologize now to the .2%.
Basic Mistake #1: Faking Affection (aka. You doubt your love for her)
This is so simple it’s ridiculous. Don’t fake it. It is pointless to expect any affection at all from a woman for whom your love is in doubt. Don’t play games. This mistake is the number one roadblock to genuine affection and intimacy. She will not risk giving you affection if she doesn’t trust your love.
Yes, marriage can be full of emotional ups and downs. Doubts do creep in and we must deal with them. The rule here is to make sure your affection is genuinely coming from a place of love. Not fear and not with strings attached. Better not to show any affection at all than to fake it.
And if you don’t honestly love her and adore her, you’ve got bigger problems than an unaffectionate wife. You should be asking yourself different questions. If you are spending time dreaming about your divorce, you’re in no place to be bitching about her lack of affection. I know – I tried that once.
Basic Mistake #2: Intellectual Warfare (aka. Trying to make her feel stupid)
This mistake is also simple but so hard to avoid sometimes. This is the smart guy’s tool of choice when the chips are down. It used to be my “go to” mode when I wanted to be right about something.
Whenever there is conflict or blaming going on, you deftly guide her though a strategic line of logic that leaves her feeling stupid – or least, feeling like you think she’s stupid. The affect is the same. She loses trust.
When you allow your emotions to invoke the intellectual warfare reaction, nothing good will happen. Ever. When we allow a conflict to move from a conversation to a court trial the “affection factory” closes for business.
I won’t go into a class on handling conflict effectively right now. Just remember basic rule #2. Never try to make her feel stupid. You’re stronger and more secure than that.
Basic Mistake #3: Interrogation (aka. Whiny questions)
I wrote about this mistake in my article about the “Hummingbird Husband”. As I mentioned there, I’m a recovering hummingbird and I’ve lived this stuff.
This is the mistake of asking tons of questions from a place of self-doubt and insecurity. These are questions that have the underlying need of “please tell me I’m okay and that we’re okay”.
They sound like, “What’s the matter? Why did you say that? What did I do wrong? What do you want me to do? How can I make you happy?
To her it feels like a barrage of accusations – an interrogation of her devotion and commitment.
When she can see that you’re coming from a place of fear, distrust and doubt she can’t feel affectionate. I know, a great big hug of reassurance would be the best thing ever. Hell, how about some sex? That would be terrific.
But she can’t do it. Why?
Because interrogations can make her feel fear, distrust and doubt. And while your fear, distrust and doubt might be quickly calmed with closeness and affection, hers are calmed mostly by feeling your strength.
Aren’t We Equals?
I know where the conversation usually goes from here.
“I thought we were equals. Why can’t I rely on her strength when I need it? When do I get to be vulnerable without having to be strong for her? And what’s her responsibility here? What mistakes does she need to avoid?”
I’ll get into some of that in the Part II article next week.
In the meantime, let’s have fun in the comments!
There’s another big mistake I wrote about in this free ebook for you. It’s about handling your fear of asking for what you really want. Download The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage by clicking HERE.
Photo Andy Ognenoff/Flickr