Confession: I was once a subtweeter.
The “sub” meaning “subliminal.” I would say things to or about people in my life on social media. But without mentioning them or including their @ handle in the post. We both knew who the message was for, though of course, I denied ill-intent if confronted.
The practice of subtweeting originated on Twitter but happens on every social media platform. Sometimes it’s done in jest, other times not. When it involves someone we’re connected to in real life, things get personal.
It seems it’s easier to make a general post about our feelings than tell the person who made us feel that way. The latter requires making ourselves vulnerable and having what could be a difficult discussion. There are many ways we avoid uncomfortable situations.
Here’s when and how we often do it using social media:
1. When We’re Hurt
Let’s say it seems your best friend always places you on the back burner for whatever random person they’re dating. You could call them and say, “Hey, I miss you. It bothers me that you don’t seem to care as much about our relationship when you’re dating someone. I feel taken for granted.” But instead, you post an article about people who get tunnel vision and neglect everything else in their lives when dating someone. Then you put an eye-roll emoji above the article for good measure.
That’s a subtweet/post. It’s indirectly directed at your friend. If you think they would benefit from reading the article, you could send a private message or text. But that would make it clear that you care and leave you open to judgment and having your feelings disregarded. You also run the risk of upsetting them. Putting it out there as just a post is much safer.
2. When We’re Angry
This is usually when venting crosses over into posting subliminal messages. It’s because we get so furious with someone that we can’t contain our wrath. In this case, we may have expressed our anger to the person but still have more to say. You’re sometimes still left fuming even after a heated discussion.
Hopping on social media here is like the virtual “and another thing!” There’s that one final point we want to make without appearing as though we’re beating a dead horse.
Example: “Facebook, don’t you hate liars?”
Posting this after discovering someone lied to you is a clear shot at them. However, you may position it as loathing liars in general. Again, it would require making yourself vulnerable to let the other person know that even though you’ve discussed the issue, you’re still very angry and don’t know what to do with that. It would take being open about how much their behavior has affected you.
3. When We’re Trying to Get a Reaction Out Of Someone
A common instance of this occurs when you break up with someone or the person you’re dating hasn’t reached out in a couple of days. So, you send them a little message on social media.
Sometimes the post is a slick, “Guess I’m single again.” The message may be attached to an attractive picture on Instagram in hopes that the person you like, miss, etc., will see it and reach out. I’ve even seen people go on dates and post a photo with the person along with their dubious caption to try and make someone jealous.
Perhaps you tried expressing yourself to the other party here too, and nothing changed. Maybe you didn’t want to let your guard down and risk coming off as desperate. So, you pretended not to care and then put your authentic thoughts someplace you knew they’d see it, on their social media timeline.
Only we know what our motives are in these situations. You could post a pic of yourself looking good and it have nothing to do with anyone else. That’s why I don’t follow exes on social media. So neither of us has to wonder.
Hurt feelings were the common culprit behind my sub-posting.
If there were no social media, I still might not have said anything to the person. The platforms just made it even easier to avoid doing so. I could express myself without fully exposing my emotions.
It’s well-documented how social media has stunted communication skills and made in-person interaction less desirable. Avoiding vulnerability and conflict resolution gets wrapped up in that conundrum. Keyboard warriors say things they would never say to people’s faces on social media. While every day, well-intentioned people hide their heartbreak behind the vagueness of a public post.
Venting is one thing. Subliminal posting is another. The two are related but the latter gives us an option for escaping “the work.” The work of facing fears, validating our feelings, and finding our voice. It’s an opportunity to be small and passive-aggressive that we must resist for the sake of personal growth.
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Previously Published on medium
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