“What am I supposed to do with this?”
It was my first thought as I opened an invitation to the wedding of a former student.
He wasn’t just any student. He was one that was dear to me. I had seen him through some hard spaces in his life and those kinds of long conversations over cold pizza and homework built a genuine connection with this hard-headed young man.
My home has often been filled with the laughter of him and his friends as we shared meals along with deep conversations about the stuff of life. My home was his home away from home.
We remained in touch after he graduated and he was eager to bring this amazing young woman to meet me some time back. This lovely gal had stolen his heart completely and I knew it before he did. I watched as they learned to love each other and knew that they would likely end up trying to forge a life together.
The beautiful invitation in my hand was confirmation that I was correct. But here’s the thing, I haven’t told him about the changes happening in my marriage. And somehow, this seems like a less-than-ideal time to bring it up.
“But what to do about my plus one?”
Clearly, it was not going to be my soon-to-be ex. Just the thought of enduring any sort of facade that things are okay is nauseating. But worse still, the thought of working through all my stuff that this event was no doubt going to raise in me with him sitting beside me.
So, I decided to go with a former colleague that was a part of his support team when he was my student. He would be delighted to have her present on his big day and I would avoid an awkward conversation for a little while longer.
The big day arrived and I found myself apprehensive. I am a hopeless romantic at heart, but I also can be a very blunt realist. The last thing I wanted to do was to be the sourpuss skeptic at what was sure to be a lovely affair. However, the starry-eyed romantic in me seems to be on an extended sabbatical right now.
“Stay in the present and simply observe.”
This was how I decided to work through the undercurrent that was building in me. I wanted to see love. I wanted to see if it were possible to believe any of the things that I believed when I was walking down the aisle of a candle-lit church so many years ago. I wanted to see if others still carried hope for what is feeling more like an unrealistic fantasy to me these days. Maybe life has simply left me jaded.
It was a lovely fall outdoor wedding. The gorgeous blushing bride, the nervous handsome groom, the excited parents, the complimentary family and friends, and the encouraging wedding party — all the elements just like the storybook version of the day. The flowers and decorations with cute party favors spoke to the hours of planning and preparing these few hours had taken. I wondered if they had taken as much time to prep for truly sharing a life together.
As the beautiful young couple exchanged humorous and heartfelt vows they had written for each other, I couldn’t help but think… “Oh, you poor dear souls. Those are lovely words but life can be so very hard. I hope you are ready for this.”
As the celebration began and the drinks began to flow, all the other traditions poured out. The bouquet and garter toss, the first dance, the father-daughter dance — all of it was right on cue.
Then that moment came where my heart sank a little — “If you have been married more than 25 years, join the newlyweds on the dance floor,” the excited DJ called out. The groom looked straight at me and winked. I smiled at the acknowledgment and felt a wave of sadness that somehow ran down my cheek.
“Where is my heart in all of this?”
I am really happy for this young man and his lovely bride. I hope that their marriage is all the things they set out for it to be on that lovely bluebird sky fall day. But I am just not sure I believe much of what I thought was true on my wedding day. Is this traditional way the best way to set a couple up for success?
I no longer believe that we should applaud how long a couple has been together. The length of a relationship says nothing to me anymore. Are they happy or miserable? Are their needs being met? Is one sacrificing themselves trying to meet the impossible needs of the other? We have no idea what is happening inside of relationships.
I hear people say, “Well, if it is not working for them, then someone would do something different. So they must be happy.” That is simply ridiculous. I can name more than a few couples in my inner circle that would make very different choices if there were no financial obligations or other things that they can’t seem to figure out how to leave behind. None of them are happy and they feel trapped.
Yet, we award badges of honor for their misery. That’s something I guess. I still wonder what we love about the fantasy fiction version of life and relationships rather than the honest one. Then, I remember the honest one requires work.
“Can we talk about those vows for a moment?”
Wedding vows need much more attention and intention. Cambridge dictionary defines a vow as “a serious promise or decision.” Do most people understand what exactly they are promising or even what the words mean to their new spouse?
Would we all be better off if we were required to revisit our vows every two years to make sure we understand what those commitments look like in the current situations in life?
Let’s consider the more traditional vows.
Love…honor…respect. Those are all big words. From my experience, the promise to love the 25-year-old me is quite a different thing than loving me at 50. My needs have changed. My desires have changed.
And what does your spouse need to feel honored and respected? Better still — what do you need to feel those things in your own life? What will those things look like in 5 years or 15 years?
And what about the sickness and health part? What happens when one party quits taking care of themselves and expects their spouse to be a caregiver? It happens more than we care to admit. How do we address those challenges and still honor this vow? It is not even close to the same thing as a partner facing a serious illness or chronic disease.
And for the richer or poorer part — what if your spouse won’t contribute to the family finances? Or what if your partner is unhappy with the level of contributions you make? What if you are trying to save for the future and they squander on the present? Or if they are so worried about the future that you can barely survive in the present? This is about much more than how many nights you eat noodles for dinner or what kind of luxury vacations you take.
And then we come to forsaking all others — what is that exactly? Where are those lines drawn? Could friendships be too much?
None of it feels like a recipe for a healthy lifelong committed relationship without a careful and intentional understanding of what it looks like today and how it can be lived out through the changes and challenges that everyone goes through in life.
“Will I ever get married again?”
It’s a fascinating question that several people have asked. The truth is that I have no idea.
But what I do know is if I decide to enter into another lifelong commitment with someone, the time and effort will be put into understanding what we intend to build together and how we will grow together while allowing us each to also grow as individuals.
There will not be an expensive dress, ornate decoration, a fancy dinner, and a huge audience. Not there is anything wrong with those things or celebrating. It’s just I think we put too much importance on all the wrong things.
If I ever take the plunge again it will be just the two of us in an intimate affair where we bind our hearts together.
And you can bet every year or two, we will revisit and revise what we have committed to being together and check in on where we go next together. Always with an open hand knowing that we freely choose the love and life we have decided to share.
Maybe there is still a little hopeless romantic in me after all.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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