What Bad Boys Can Teach Good Dudes (And Vice Versa)

Typically I like to talk about relationships from a more psychological perspective, but I’ll take a break today and speak more casually about dating.

For the most part, society values righteousness and righteous people. We want the good guys to win and the bad guys to lose. Otherwise, life would be a nightmare because bad people hurt people, right?

And yet, virtually all heterosexual men would agree that you can’t be too righteous with women. If you’re too good, you get put in the friendzone or worse, be labeled her “brother.”

The problem with this is that as a kid or a teenager, you’re still prone to black and white thinking. So if you think that girls only want bad boys, and you want a chance with her, you have to drop the nice guy stuff completely and become the biggest jerk ever.

No point in lying; it could work. However, you might not keep her because jerks are selfish and tend to ruin a good thing. And while I’ll address that issue later, I want to first focus on how to be a good dude or even a nice guy and maintain your moral core while still becoming more “bad” or getting more “edge.”

Let’s cut to the chase, shall we? To be bad, to gain that edge that women like, start telling the truth.

It’s ironic that the bad guy tells the truth more often than the nice guy. Some will say it’s because the bad guy cares less than the good guy so it’s easier for him to be honest. But that doesn’t help nice guys to gain their edge,

If you care, you care. It makes no sense to deny that fact. So in order to understand how to gain this edge, first answer this question, “Do you like everything about women?”

If there was a part of you that answered “yes,” you’re in trouble.

Why would any guy who was left by a girl for a richer/more famous guy be okay with that? Why would any man who is loved and trusted by a woman not be boyfriend material simply because he isn’t “dangerous” enough? Isn’t love the point of a relationship? Why would any guy want to date someone who values righteousness but also apparently values its opposite?

This is the plight of men who date women. There is an insecurity that someone who is more successful comes along and your partner chooses to be with them instead. You hate telling your crush how you feel because if you’re just a friend, then the relationship is unequal.

I’ve had women take interest in me and then the moment I reciprocate they pull away because they didn’t want reciprocation. They wanted someone to chase, not because it’s logical, but because it was a familiar feeling.

With these things in mind, it is normal and natural to calm down with regards to getting a relationship.

Now you know the truth of the situation. Romantic relationships are awesome but not perfect. The fairytale of happily ever after with the girl you like was never a guarantee.

Nice guys and even good dudes are often swept up by the promise of pleasure that they think is coming their way if they get with this attractive woman. This is why it’s so important to get to know someone before you start thinking of a future together.

But more importantly, when you know that a relationship can be tested so easily, your mind sobers up and you start to recognize that this romance could be good but it could also fail.

Therefore, you don’t need to be saccharine or overly sweet to be with the woman because no one likes a kiss-ass anyway. But you also don’t need to adopt some badman persona because, if you did it, it’d only be to get women.

You didn’t become bad because you wanted to; you did it for a girl. And that’s kind of lame, isn’t it? What else are you willing to sacrifice for a woman?

So the next time you see someone you’re attracted to, your mind will be a lot more sober. You can feel the sexual attraction but you also know that this is another flawed human being who could ruin your life. And I know that sounds cynical but, let’s face it, it’s true.

If we know a botched surgery can alter the rest of our lives, clearly an intimate relationship can too. But let’s not forget men have their faults too.

Why would a woman not be upset when her man leaves her for a younger woman? Why would a woman, after giving her partner positive support, not be allowed to grieve when she finds out he was cheating on her? Why would a woman not be annoyed that a man chose the bimbo over the woman with the great personality and emotional stability?

You see what I mean? Both men and women can be dangerous for one another because we negotiate relationships differently. Men value physical beauty first, sexual chemistry, and then personality. Women value a good man but need the bad boy in order to unlock sexual chemistry.

Ultimately, this isn’t what will get you into a loving relationship. Far from it. This is merely the beginning phase of attraction. But if you’re a nice guy, it’s likely because you misunderstand the situation you are in.

It’s not that you need to be a jerk, you just need to bear in mind that a woman can leave for a myriad of reasons but so can you.

She could cheat on you with a richer man; you could cheat because of a more attractive girl. She could leave because you’re not bad enough for her; you could leave because the sex isn’t good enough.

So the irony of all of this is that you were always a threat, so there’s no need to pretend to be one.

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But what can the bad boy learn from the nice guy?

As I mentioned earlier, the bad boy can get the girl easier than a nice guy, but he might not be able to keep her because bad boys don’t commit. They don’t have to.

In a world where men constantly over-prioritize sex and women’s beauty, they have the indifference that makes women feel relieved, safe and protected. When men care too much, they self-sabotage. When they are relaxed, they make better decisions.

Now, the bad boy can be bad for a number of reasons; some sociological, some psychological. But the hallmark of the bad boy is that they do not commit. They want to reap the rewards of sex but fear the potential pain of connection with a woman — the same pains we outlined earlier.

So what is the solution for the bad boy? Answer this question, “Outside of sex, do you dislike everything else about women?”

If a part of you answered yes, I’d invite you to be more honest, or perhaps exercise more gratitude.

What man would not value a woman who tried to work for a win-win scenario after an argument? What man wouldn’t want a woman who supported his dreams and helped him to achieve them? What man wouldn’t cherish a woman who helps to foster peace within him?

This is the good guy’s bread and butter. This is what he longs for. However, he bravely faces what the bad boy cannot: the joy of connection, even at the risk of the fear of intimacy.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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