I remember that part of the interview very clearly.
She sat next to me and said: “I’m passionate about helping graduate students get jobs”. It struck me because I could feel the passion in her voice. I could feel that energy. And I think it knocked my ass back a bit as I realized, pretty much right in that moment that I was so completely disconnected from her in that way.
Because, honestly, I really could give less of a damn about graduate students.
I came across someone’s website today.
Well, a few someones. They were all in the health and wellness space. An area that I’ve had some interest in ever since I decided to change my diet and lifestyle. I’ve even had interest in signing up for a health coaching school and making that happen.
But I stumble across these health coaching websites and something just doesn’t click. Instead, I kinda wanna throw up.
It’s all so fucking corny. And sanitized. And, honestly, boring.
I think there’s something to the idea that we have to authentically connect with something. That in order to truly find what we like or what we’re interested in we have to really want it. We want it so damn bad that we’ll go for it no matter what the cost.
I don’t exactly feel that way about nutrition. I care about it a lot, but I also care a lot about making sure I watch the next Shane Dawson video on YouTube. Or treating myself to some plantain chips. Or dancing like a weirdo at the gym.
For me, I’ve tried to rationalize that my day job doesn’t have to be something that truly excites me. I think, right now, given my sorta crappy life circumstances, I’m actually perfectly okay with that.
Because I want to use that job to help guide me towards what actually excites me a lot. Even if it never makes me money or takes me anywhere, I think I’ve missed having something that truly lights me up.
I miss that spark. That “I must fucking do that or I’ll be terribly fucking upset about it” stuff. That’s been so absent from my life recently, but I’m excited to find it. I’m excited to get those butterflies in my stomach for something I really, truly want to fucking do.
And just hope and pray that, in the end, it all works out somehow.
Originally published on Medium
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