Are you always on edge and afraid to make mistakes? Or do you embrace mistakes, learn from them, and move on? Do you blame others for your mistakes, or do you accept them in stride? Your answers to these questions are likely influenced by how your parents reacted to big spills.
Last summer, I was staying at my aunt’s house, and I dropped a dozen Amish eggs on the floor. All of them were cracked and ruined. If you’ve ever had Amish eggs, you know they’re some of the highest-quality eggs you can buy, and they taste amazing.
I felt horrible while waiting for someone to start yelling. However, the yelling never came.
This incident reminded me of a time, as a young child, I spilled a drink at my aunt’s house. I immediately burst into tears, waiting for the screaming to start, because that’s what happened at home.
When I spilled something at home, no matter how big or small, my stepfather would yell and tell me what a careless, stupid idiot I was. The reaction I got from my aunt was much different. This was her response:
“We don’t cry over spilled milk.”
My aunt helped me clean up the mess, and that was the end of it. There was no further discussion. I didn’t get yelled at, sent outside to think about what I did, or belittled for not being more careful. My aunt’s reaction to a spill was much different than what I was accustomed to experiencing at home, and as I’ve grown older, I’ve observed other situations when the adults didn’t freak out when the kids spilled.
During one of our early Thanksgiving celebrations together, hosted at my husband’s sister’s house, his young niece accidentally spilled her orange soda and created a mess on the floor. Her parents didn’t yell at her. Her dad grabbed a towel, cleaned up the mess, and the meal went on without anyone yelling or crying.
When a parent starts screaming at their child over something as tedious as a spilled drink, it triggers the fight-or-flight response in the brain. This teaches kids that they should never make mistakes.
This type of behavior also teaches children narcissistic behavior in order to regain their sense of self-worth. Instead of learning to own up to their mistake by simply cleaning up the mess, they start to pass the blame.
They’ll say things like, “It was my sister’s fault. She bumped my elbow and caused me to drop my drink!” or “It’s your fault for putting too much in my cup!”
Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition in which people have an unreasonably high sense of their own importance. They need and seek too much attention and want people to admire them. People with this disorder may lack the ability to understand or care about the feelings of others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence, they are not sure of their self-worth and are easily upset by the slightest criticism. — Mayo Clinic
I’m guilty of these narcissistic behaviors, and it wasn’t until recently that I realized the root of this behavior. It all started with a cup of spilled milk.
As a parent myself now, I choose to look at the examples set by my aunt and my in-laws when a big spill happens. If my son makes a big spill, I don’t yell at him or call him names. I simply say, “Oops, let’s clean it up!”
Big spills are going to happen — that’s reality. These little hiccups test us, and it’s our job as parents to show the appropriate way to handle these situations. How we react to big spills will influence how our children respond to every mistake they make in life.
If we teach them that they’re stupid because they spilled, this belief system will become an integral part of them. They’ll feel like they can’t make mistakes and, if they do, they’re worthless. So they’ll do anything and everything to pass the blame to others in an attempt to restore their confidence.
They’ll also try to do anything and everything to avoid making mistakes, which might mean passing on opportunities because they’re scared they won’t succeed. Every failure will send them into a fight-or-flight mode, just like the time they spilled a glass of milk and their dad told them they were stupid.
It’s our job as parents to show our kids that it’s okay to make mistakes and that spilled milk is never worth crying over.
I came across an eye-opening quote on Facebook the other day. I saw the photo of broken eggs and was transported in time back to my aunt’s house.
Facebook
When I was a kid, any time a big spill happened, my Mama Holt would always say “well that’ll be a clean spot on the…
www.facebook.com
When I was a kid, any time a big spill happened, my Mama Holt would always say “well that’ll be a clean spot on the floor.” I’m so thankful for her attitude and try to remember it every time I make a whopper of a mess. A half a roll of paper towels and some elbow grease later, I had a pretty nice sized clean spot;) #dogoodsharewithothers — SugarRebel2
This mother not only turned something negative into something positive, but she influenced the way her daughter views big spills for her entire life. “Mama Holt” was a gift to all children!
Be Mama Holt. Be my aunt. Be my in-laws.
Teach your children that it’s okay to make a big spill. We’ll clean it up, and that spot will be cleaner than every other spot on the floor.
Teach your kids that it’s okay to make mistakes.
Mistakes are meant to teach us lessons so that we can become stronger in that area of life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Jon Tyson on Unsplash
