What Happens When You Aren’t Man Enough?

As a kid, I was obsessed with being tough. It was the world that I lived in because boys who were not tough got picked on. I wasn’t allowed to back down from any fights. And if I was hurt in those fights? Crying would have made it so much worse.

This idea of toughness, of being stoic, grew as I did. Toughness started to be equated with strength. I hit the gym, played football, and got big enough that no one would ever want to fight me. I was the man. And as a man, as I had seen my entire life, I didn’t need help. No, to ask for help was to be seen as weak. As not tough enough. As not as tough as my father or the sports heroes that were all around my wall.

As a young man, fresh in college, friends nicknamed me Hoss. I had this black-and-white moral code. What was right was right and wrong was wrong. Because I was tough and strong. I didn’t need any help. Was I lonely and depressed? We don’t talk about that. I ignored the growing anxiety that settled itself around my chest.

Why? Because I was a man.

That’s where I found myself for a very long time. Even when I was married, even when I had the option of sharing the burdens of life and trying to be me instead of what society had taught me to be, I didn’t take the opportunity to confide in my wife.

And then, once I became a stay-at-home dad, I realized what a croc of crap that it was. I decided then and there that no one got to define what masculinity means to me. The more I thought about it, the more I decided that it was an absurd conversation to even have. It was freeing. I could be whatever version of me that I wanted.

Not every man gets that chance, and we are killing ourselves to fit into an old and outdated model.

The Real Consequences of not being manly.

There have been studies conducted on what we consider masculine traits and what happens to men who don’t display them. A Harvard Business Review Article does a nice job of listing them out. And to be honest, I’m not that surprised.

Men who are “nicer”, which means more amenable, earn less money. Men who earn less money, are less successful in the dating game. Men who ask for help are viewed as less competent, capable, and confident. Men who show empathy are seen as weak as compared to women who are seen as caring.

These masculine traits, of being stoic, assertive, and aggressively in charge of their lives, are rewarded throughout a man’s life. And that reinforcement strengthens those traits within men. Because if we do not show those traits, and take them to absurd heights, we are penalized in our lives.

It leads men into isolation, and worse, unhealthy competition to prove that they have those traits to begin with.

Men who show sadness are seen as less deserving of that emotion. Men who are modest are evaluated as less likable. To show vulnerability is to open yourself to ridicule and attack.

Reading these studies is a bit of a heartbreaker. And yet, I understand because I’ve been this way my whole life. I got hate mail for writing about loneliness in fatherhood. Who sends hate mail for talking about being lonely?

The result? Men overcompensate.

What happens to men who can’t live up to the stereotype of masculinity? When they aren’t stoic enough, independent enough, or provide enough. What happens when we can’t give the world what is expected of us, even if those expectations are unreasonable?

We overcompensate. We take other aspects of our masculinity and highlight them to make up for the other traits that we don’t feel are manly enough. Stoicism can turn into self-destruction and self-medication with drugs and alcohol. “Niceness” can morph into cruelty. And loneliness can lead to us joining groups that make us feel like strong by dominating others.

These are the real consequences of the perceived notion of masculinity and what happens when we do fit the expected stereotype. This suddenly doesn’t become an abstract discussion and instead manifests itself in everything from the growing incel population or school shootings which are most commonly done by men and young boys.

And although there are a lot of reasons for men getting from point A to B, this idea of what it takes to be a man that is perpetuated by all of America is a major reason. When we can’t live up to that ideal, we blame ourselves until we get to the point that we don’t care about the world.

I don’t know how we begin to change this idea of masculinity, or the social pressures that it puts on men. We have to talk about it more, and at the same time, we need to recognize some of the positive traits. There is a benefit to being assertive in your own life, to lead others, and to be a problem solver.

And still, this many years later than when I started, there are positive affects to being “tough.” I now recognize some of this as being resilient and self-reliant. There is a benefit of facing your problems and not ignoring them. That is true toughness, not how much pain I can take in solitude. But that lesson gets warped when we are constantly penalized for trying to find support in our lives.

I hope that the first step is to redefine what our masculinity means not as a societal debate, but an individual one. As I said in the beginning, no one gets to decide what my masculinity means. And on the flip side, no one should punish those that don’t fit their individual idea of masculinity. But to get there, we have to show better examples of men. Instead of holding up those who are alone, we need to show men that build communities and friendships. Those who lead with empathy and assertiveness. We can do this through fatherhood.

Those are the stories we need to get out there. Not of the athlete father who spends 4 months a year with his kids. But the day-to-day dad gives his all. No matter if he is working or staying at home, the involved father I think is key to changing this idea of what it takes to be a man.

And that’s a good thing. Because fathers are tough. We can do this.

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This Post is republished on Medium.

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Photo credit: iStock