What I Hate About “Unconditional Forgiveness”

I have been told to forgive people who never said sorry. People who hurt me and just walked away like nothing happened. Despite all that, every time, someone whispers in my ear that I would only heal if I let it go. That forgiveness would set me free.

I know it is all well-intended, but they never seem to consider what it costs you. A lot of the time, it feels like emotional self-harm because it appears to also be a convenient way to let some people off the hook while you are left picking up the pieces.

Of course, I have forgiven some even though I then cried myself to sleep. I have even whispered, “I forgive you,” but many times I still felt the weight of what they did, and it still didn’t feel like healing as much as it felt like pretending.

Don’t demand accountability. Smile through the pain.

This is where I have always faulted the “unconditional forgiveness” doctrine. It is like the obsession with forgiveness has less to do with your healing and more to do with control, i.e., ensuring that the person who got hurt doesn’t make things “messy” for everyone else.

What is worse is when you forgive someone who never asked for it, they have little reason to ever change because why would they? There were no consequences. I have seen people cause real harm and then seemingly move on effortlessly because they were given a free pass.

“It is like the obsession with forgiveness has less to do with your healing and more to do with control, i.e., ensuring that the person who got hurt doesn’t make things “messy” for everyone else.”

Therefore, forgiveness, without accountability, doesn’t teach any lessons, it just coddles egos and reinforces harm because, for the person who was hurt, it appears their pain isn’t worth a conversation.

This is especially where I feel self-betrayal comes in because each time you simply walk away, it is like you are abandoning a version of you that needed you to stand up for it. And if you are like me, sometimes you just can’t shake the feeling like you are sacrificing your boundaries for an illusion of peace.

“For the person who was hurt, it appears their pain isn’t worth a conversation.”

What I choose to do instead

To be clear, I am not against forgiveness. I firmly believe in it, but I also believe it should be earned. So, these days, I believe even more firmly in boundaries than I do in blanket grace. I believe more often than not, tough conversations are necessary. And accountability? Absolutely essential!

The times when I walk away from people who refuse to be accountable and take responsibility, it is less because I am unforgiving and more because I love myself enough to stop bleeding for people who wouldn’t even hand me a band-aid.

Forgiveness is a beautiful thing indeed, but it doesn’t have to be unconditional to be powerful.

Know somebody who needs to hear this? Please send it their way.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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