This story is embarrassing. And that’s exactly why I’m going to share it with you. Because maybe you’ll relate. And if you do, you’ll know you’re not alone.
I recently went on vacation with my partner. It was a trip that he dreamed up for us, planned out and paid for. I was grateful and so excited. Or at least I knew I “should” be. And convinced myself I was… enough to say “yes” to all of it and feel like it was “too late” to say anything by the time I started having the sneaking suspicion that…
👉 Maybe I wasn’t going to want to spend every single day of our vacation painting? (We were going to “art camp.”)
👉 Maybe I was going to feel trapped being out in the rural countryside with a bunch of strangers for a whole week without my own car to get away in when I needed a break (not to mention, I don’t drive)?
👉 I love playing it by ear and noodling around on vacation, so maybe a set group activity schedule wasn’t going to be my cup of tea?
But who has these “ungrateful” thoughts when their partner takes them on vacation in the gorgeous countryside? “Not me,” I told myself!
I didn’t want to be “ungrateful” or “no fun” or “a drag,” and my social conditioning had convinced me that I’d be all of these things if I just stated the actual truth: That my partner’s idea for a vacation sounded absolutely lovely and thoughtful, but was probably not a plan that was equally suited to both of our enjoyment.
So I held in my gut feeling so hard that I could barely detect it… until it really was too late to turn back, because we were already there on the trip and I was already having a full-on anxiety-cyclone meltdown. Like, tear-your-own-skin-off, burn-your-whole-life-down level anxiety.
There I was, in the most beautiful setting, surrounded by lovely people and my wonderful partner, having the most hellacious time. And it wasn’t because of where we were or what we were doing. It was because I was suppressing how I felt about where we were and what we were doing! I had deemed my own feelings unacceptable, and so I suppressed them so hard that they ultimately exploded all over me.
Now, it’s pretty embarrassing to tell you this, especially as a therapist who writes blog posts every week about allowing yourself to feel your feelings! 😂 But that’s exactly why I’m sharing this. Because it’s just so real! And it’s a great example of how the chronic pain pattern works: Social conditioning → suppressing our emotions → emotions explode in the form of anxiety, pain flares and other nervous system “alarm” symptoms.
Our social conditioning is so ingrained. And even if you’re steeped in mind-body work, there are going to be situations that trigger your old fears of being honest about your feelings. It’s not just you. It’s all of us! Because we’ve all received this conditioning to suppress our feelings.
And sure enough, when I finally opened up about my feelings — first to myself, which took a while, and then to my partner — things started to feel better. Not all at once. Not in a straight line. I went through ups and downs, releases and shame spirals — it took me a few weeks until I was ready to write about this!
But in the end, I don’t regret a thing. I was just doing my best at the time. It was part of my journey. I got to learn more about my own patterns through the process. And it ultimately led to some really big-picture, honest conversations with my partner that are bringing in more aliveness, authenticity and excitement into our life together.
We’re not “at fault” for suppressing our emotions. It’s a habit that we’ve learned and internalized, and it can tie us up into knots of discomfort. Unwinding the habit can feel brutal at times. But it’s such a worthwhile process. And please know: You’re not alone in it. Not by a longshot. Your process doesn’t have to look neat and tidy, and it doesn’t have to look like anyone else’s. It’s not easy work, and I salute you in your process wherever you are and whatever it looks like! This is brave stuff and sometimes… things are bound to explode in some way.
Sending loads of love, empathy and encouragement. I’m cheering for you!
💖 Anna
➡️ If you need support with chronic pain and anxiety, take my FREE QUIZ called “Why the *bleep* am I still in pain?!” so I can help you get some clarity.
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Previously Published on Medium
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