What Is a ‘Well-behaved’ Child?

“We live in a culture where the highest compliment a parent can receive is that his or her kid is “well behaved” (read: docile). When strangers in restaurants tell us how “good” our daughter is, they don’t mean that she is admirable in an ethical sense but merely that she hasn’t been a nuisance to them. No wonder people declare matter-of-factly that it’s simply unrealistic to do without treats and threats: these tactics may indeed be necessary if our goal is to produce children who spend their lives just doing what they’re told.” — Alfie Kohn

Think about that.

How many times have you apologized for your child’s behaviour because they are not meeting what you assume to be someone’s expectation?

Not raising robots.

My children are kind, caring, compassionate, developing empathy and endeavouring to consider the perspective of others, but they rarely sit still. They want to move. They need to move.

One child is neuroatypical who “stimms” (repetitive behaviours to help neuroatypical children cope with an overwhelming situation) by rocking and another, honestly just has A LOT of energy. For him, a dance party is more his style over sitting still at a table for extended periods. He is a great conversationalist, which I believe is a wonderful strength. However, his animated style may inhibit “others” from seeing this perspective.

The reality is that I am not raising robots to sit still to conform to the standards of others. I am, however, raising children to be individuals and thrive to reach their own potential which I believe is only possible by not squashing their personalities. Sure, they need to be respectful but we need to be mindful of what is really meant by “good” behaviour.

Interchanging Shy for Well Behaved

Jillian Enright presents Neurodiversity and the Politics of Self-Control. She shares this thought-provoking perspective:

“the definitions of “nice” or “polite” are completely subjective. The concept of emotional control has devolved from the skill of regulating strong emotions so as not to act out in an aggressive manner. Emotional control has become a desired ability to respond with emotion publicly in a way that is deemed appropriate by Western elites (Waltz, 2020).”

To this, I reflect on a meeting with a Parenting Support Worker, “don’t mistake ‘shy’ for well behaved.” These were words were the ones I didn’t know that I needed to hear. At this time, I had been struggling with constant comparisons between my boisterous little boy and my niece at the time. It was tough and truly, I had exchanged “shy” for “well behaved.” These are not synonyms.

Happy, healthy children.

Isn’t this what we all want? Well behaved doesn’t jump out as me as a priority. It may be a byproduct of other developmental attributes; however, it honestly isn’t my priority. I recognize it is certainly the priority for others in my life. Why does that matter? Should it matter?

Through a Facebook thread, I came across this story:

One of the best compliments I ever received came from one of our neighbours a few years back when my children were energetic, silly and busy little kids. We were coming home from a BBQ and my children exited the car in their usual fashion of running, laughing and releasing all of that pent-up energy from being in the car. I was prompting them to lower their voices due to the late hour when one of our neighbours approached me and said that she just had to come over and tell me something, asking to chat. My two kids and hubby had headed indoors and I cringed just waiting for her to chastise me on bad parenting and my crazy, loud kids. Instead, she surprised me and told me that never before has she seen such happy children and that she found it to be so refreshing and such a change from seeing other children in our complex always crying, melting down and being unhappy in general. I thanked her for that compliment and went on to reflect on what seemed to make my kids, “happy”. I came to the conclusion that came down to them being allowed to be kids for most of the time. They did not have expectations placed on them that were out of sync with their development and they felt acknowledged and heard when things were not going their way. I was not and am not a perfect parent but I continue to put my all into the relationship I have with both of my kids and I hope that they will always remain happy and comfortable being themselves. I always tell other parents who have young and energetic kids that they should always do what’s best for their children and not what society thinks they should be doing.

Self-discipline and respect

Self-discipline and respect are admirable and perhaps more accurate descriptors of “well behaved”.

Acknowledging “well-behaved” is not binary is a critical consideration.

Being aware of how we inaccurately interchange “well-behaved” with behaviours such as “shy” is something worth considering.

No one said parenting is easy. No one has ever raised children in 2021 before, we are all navigating an unwritten chapter of modern parenting with influences of technology and scientific understanding of neuroatpyical children.

Identifying strategies for self-regulation and being disciplined enough to apply coping mechanisms in specific situation is evidence of respect. This application however, will look very different for many which is why I question how one defines “well-behaved.”

Final thoughts

I am not dismissing the “well-behaved” child. This is an opportunity to reflect. Children are inspiring! We can learn so much from them if we try to step into their perspective.

Communication is expressed through a multitude of fashions, in particular for children. Again, my neuroatypical child rocking is his means to express that he is anxious. If he verbalized those words, I imagine “others” would listen; however, because he is unable to do so that leaves his behaviours, his communication tool, exposed to judgment.

Before children speak, they communicate through body language and behaviours. This output does not stop once they have words, so why is it so common to stop receiving this mechanism of communication?

Behaviour is the first communication mechanism we learn. We should understand our children and their behaviours to speak their language before casting society’s versions of it on them. With this perspective, I ask what is well-behaved?

In asking, I invite you to consider: are we suffocating our child’s personality because of societal expectations?

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Previously Published on medium

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