When I hear the word, I instinctively nod, “Yes, that is what we need. Something more authentic.” But when I nod like that, all my alarm bells go off. It usually means I am nodding off to sleep.
My recent book Consent Is Not Enough deconstructs button words in the #MeToo discussion that tend to put people to sleep — terms like privilege and toxic masculinity, for example. Everyone seems to understand what these terms mean, but then the discussion goes no deeper. I see the same thing happening with authentic masculinity.
What, after all, does authentic really mean? The term refers to the original, the real, the uncopied. The notion is that authentic means not fake. I guess that means to “be real” — i.e., especially real with feelings, emotions, and other aspects of being at which men feel less competent. So, the prescription becomes “feel more” and “be more vulnerable.”
Brene Brown said it here:
“To be authentic, we must cultivate the courage to be imperfect — and vulnerable. We have to believe that we are fundamentally worthy of love and acceptance, just as we are.”
Here’s the problem: Most men I know, no matter their level of self awareness, do not feel inauthentic. They do not perceive themselves as fakes. They may seem themselves as realists, as rational, as tough, as gentle, but not as fakes. They feel real and authentic already. Yes, they may be deceiving themselves, but then the challenge is the deception, not the accusatory lack of authenticity.
The second problem is the prescriptive cure — be vulnerable and more emotional; get in touch with your feelings. Who likes being vulnerable? I would submit that neither men nor women find vulnerability a particularly attractive place to be. When you are vulnerable, you are exposed and unprotected. You instinctually reach for your defensiveness and some form of protection. Vulnerability requires you to trust your surroundings, but most people have learned through harsh experience that there are many reasons not to trust. They’ve been overwhelmed by the untrustworthy and they have wounds. It is hard to go back there.
One of the most significant of these experiences can be what happens to one who is vulnerable internally. Those who promote vulnerability celebrate its benefits, and to a certain extent they are exactly correct. But for some, vulnerability can lead to an internal collapse. People like this hold emotions at bay so as to continue functioning in the world because they fear being overwhelmed by an internal sea of emotion and confusion. This fear may be real because they actually experienced it before. It is easy to instruct them that they need to let go, but if they do, the suffering may go way beyond their own lives. It could become a betrayal of their children’s trust and a compromise of their well-being; after all, the children are dependent on them. A collapse could betray others who are dependent — employees, extended family, friends. All these can be consequences suffered by others because a man risks the engagement with vulnerability.
So, is vulnerability really the key to this authenticity we are talking about? No, I think it is the wrong term. The real issue is that first problem — self awareness. Vulnerability can be of assistance in developing such awareness, but the awareness is first. And that awareness needs to be both emotional and psychological. The single most important ingredient in this is to be able to triangulate one’s being, by which I mean to get enough distance that we can watch ourselves. We need to recognize feelings and emotions that are inside us without owning them as ours and without them controlling us. We step back and observe what is happening inside ourselves. We study to develop an emotional language.
Psychologically, this triangulation is the disidentification of the Self with the ego. Far too many people live their lives without this added dimension. As a result, they have no standpoint form which to observe themselves and the inner workings of their being. Rather than recognizing anger brewing up within them and then choosing a response as disidentification allows, men experience the emotion as a thing that overwhelms and takes over. They become their anger. They become their love. But they cannot see themselves in it at all.
For my money, it is a mistake, and maybe even a disingenuous deception at times, to call for men to be more vulnerable without addressing the emotional and psychological tools that are required. Such an approach is received as a challenge to their competence and provides a sense that they cannot master this. It is experienced as a power play by the men who need it most. Those calling for authentic masculinity without these tools are setting the men up to fail. I cannot speak to motives, but the effect becomes clear.
Men can be more authentic — more true to themselves — and that is a key to ending #MeToo. But they need an idea and a practice to separate Self from ego, and they need a language to enable a finer understanding of their emotions. Such tools make life better for men, and when you have them, there may be little need for additional vulnerability or authenticity. Let’s teach, not harangue; let’s share, not lecture. Let’s open new imagination so that men, and our world, can thrive.
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My Other Articles on Men and #MeToo
How Men Think About #MeToo
Deconstructing the Magic Words of #MeToo: Consent, Objectification, Patriarchy, Entitlement, Privilege, Toxic Masculinity
Gender, Caste, Contempt, and the Illusion of Male Superiority
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Anthony Signorelli authors books and articles on men, #MeToo, postcapitalism, climate, green energy, political history, poetry, and books. He is the former editor of Inroads: A Journal of the Male Soul, co-facilitated men’s groups in the wake of #MeToo, and has published six books.
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Previously Published on medium
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Photo credit: Anthony Signorelli