Frederick didn’t know what type of man he’d become. Then he discovered that masculinity is inheritable.
At the heart of it, masculinity for me is defined by the attitudes I inherited from my father. He and I share the same name, same build, same voice, same unapologetic Sybaritic passions. I grew up in his shadow, mystified as to why he was so proud of me, why he carried me everywhere on his shoulders and showed me off to his friends. I was so frail, weak, soft, pretty. And yet he was so obviously proud of his oldest son.
So I watched him. Closely. Going into a store to buy a gallon of milk, he’s so easy and natural with the owner, a recent arrival from Pakistan with a tenuous grasp of English. In two minutes my Dad is laughing and joking with the guy. He can’t go anywhere without friends coming up and clapping him on the shoulder. Thanking him for driving them to the hospital that time last week, or for shoveling out their driveways after the last storm.
He never, ever, ever, ogles women. He glances appreciatively. Talks with them passionately about any topic they want. Food, wine, their parents. He loves them, truly. He makes them laugh. They, in turn, worship him. In the years immediately following his separation from my mother, he sowed enough wild oats for a hundred men. Then he met his soulmate — a woman who had been in love with him since before I was born, and who had become his friend just to be closer. They married and I was best man. He cared for her parents in their final days, attending to their most personal needs without ever complaining once.
My Dad has worked his entire life, every single day, since age fifteen. Hard jobs. Physically demanding. A welder, a materials engineer, a manufacturing specialist on some of the most advanced armor steels in the world.
The ingredients listed above stewed together in me over the course of my adolescence—stoicism, athleticism, respect, integrity, dignity, passion, warmth. When I turned thirteen years old and we had “the talk,” I started to cry. I was so afraid of disappointing him. But I marshaled my feelings and announced in my breaking teenage voice that I was gay, and only interested in other boys.
He looked stunned. Then relieved.
He swept me up in a hug, kissed me on my cheek and said the words I’ll never forget:
“Thank God. I was afraid you had no passion, you never reacted when I pointed out a pretty girl in your class.”
Now my Dad will be at my wedding, to my future husband, in August of 2014. My Dad and his wife adore him, and also their future in-laws, with whom they have much in common.
At forty six years old here I am. I’ve grown into a strong, muscular, healthy, successful man. The type of man I would have admired as a child. Didn’t see that coming.
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This submission came as a result of What’s Good About Masculinity?
–Photo: geoftheref/Flickr
Well done! There is a balance that everyone has to meet in life of both masculine and feminine qualities. Since the 1950’s we have had poor examples of BOTH! Your dad is incredible! Keep loving him and I hope you and your husband have many years of LOVE together. Peace!
Interesting take on masculinity. I do not easily and confidently discuss about masculinity in a very articulate way perhaps because I was not sure how to describe it. I just know I am a man and have to act as one. I missed those boys’ brawl, rough play and tricks so I probably have this lack of confidence on that aspect. And that is why I yearn for those stuff. Society still has its biases (or should I say stereotyping). If you act masculine and you are gay – they think you are ‘hiding’ it. If you seek and yearn… Read more »
Well written article Frederick. Thanks for sharing your story. Beautiful. I like the ingredients that you “stewed” together – stoicism, athleticism, respect, integrity, dignity, passion, warmth. These are ingredients that I think needed to be added to the discussion about what Masculinity. I too believe in them. I do have to share my thoughts a bit further though. I read your piece and admired it but at the end I was left wanting and questioning. My question – what does this type of man mean to other men and to women? Is this man relatable to the discussion on Masculinity.… Read more »
Actually you’re 100% right Alan and I had the same doubts about this article prior to beginning to write it. None of this was easy, leaving aside the baring of my private experiences. In my view, none of the values which I value, and which my father, and grandfather, and straight brothers value are contradicted by what I’ve outlined. In almost every measurable way, I’m exactly the same boringly conventional masculine man whether I am straight or gay. And that has honestly been a huge problem for me. The gay community as it existed in the 80s and early 90s… Read more »