What Neopatriarchy Would Need to Address

Neopatriarchy n. a contemporary social structure where traditional patriarchal norms are maintained or revived within the context of modern society.

Imbalance

I’ve been having conversations with men I know who believe society needs to return to traditional male and female roles.

They argue that society is in decline since women entered the workforce. That men have it much harder than women—here they’ll mention the plight of Incels, increased competition in the workplace, and so on. That women themselves have grown hard and overall unhappy from the shift. And that on the whole, men’s and women’s roles are a balanced, fair division of labor.

My response: Women fought fiercely, for centuries, for access to roles traditionally reserved for men. And men have generally shown no interest whatsoever in the roles traditionally assigned to women. Why do you think that is?

Why wouldn’t there be as many men stepping into women’s roles as there are women choosing men’s roles?

Doesn’t it seem more true that there’s one strongly preferred gender role, and one to be avoided?

Maybe that’s because traditional women’s roles have always been low-status, physically and emotionally demanding roles that carry none of the freedom, autonomy, income, power, fulfillment, enjoyment, or esteem of the roles traditionally reserved for men.

Or because they garner none of the recognition, decision-making authority, intellectual stimulation, control of resources, social capital, creative expression, civic participation, educational access, leisure time, and so on.

In any case, I point out, it’s not a role you would want, either.

Men’s attitude toward the prospect of performing women’s roles speaks loudly.

. . .

Gender skills

To this they usually respond, Well I wouldn’t be good at raising babies. Women are naturally better at that kind of thing.

My reply: You think women had an easy time entering male-dominated corporate culture? They had to be twice as smart and work twice as hard as their male counterparts to do it. Which they did. And businesses benefit from their presence—mixed gender work teams outperform male-only teams on multiple metrics including company profitability. But again, why?

Believe me, if homemaking and child rearing paid as well and had the freedom, perks, fun, and status of your tech job — and if tech jobs had the pay, freedom, perks and status of a housewife — men would get good at childrearing and homemaking. They’d be knocking the doors down for those jobs. You know this is true. And you can bet they’d be damn good at it.

And those jobs would benefit greatly from men’s greater participation.

. . .

Women’s happiness

Next they might refer me to a YouTube clip of Jordan Peterson, the one where he claims that top performing women were told by society that the key to fulfillment was a career, which they chose over dating and marriage, only to regret it later when they decide what they really want is to be a wife and mother, but now can’t find a partner who would have them.

But I’m a relationship expert by profession. I’ve been in this industry full time for over 25 years now. I’ve worked with top-performing women. I’ve never heard them say society convinced them to choose career over being a housewife. (See above.)

Or that their career prevented them from dating or marrying. (Any more than a man’s career prevents him from dating or marrying.)

If they express disappointment at being single later in life, I don’t hear them attributing it to never being chosen, or somehow being un-choosable, or express sorrow they didn’t take the housewife route from the beginning. (I’ve only ever heard those arguments from men.)

What I do hear, again and again like a broken record, is, I never got into a long-term relationship because I didn’t like any of the options available, and I wasn’t interested in shrinking myself. The offer on the table was never worth it. And now, today, I’m still not seeing anyone long-term for the same reasons as before—I never found a partner I wanted, certainly not more than what I’d be expected give up. Marriage was always a massive downgrade.

Do they sometimes talk about how devastating it can be to be single later in life, at a time when they deeply crave connection, family, motherhood? Yes. It’s the same complaint I hear from single women at any other economic stratum. They never found a man they wanted to be with, nor were they interested in the greatly curtailed life on offer. And yes, they sometimes feel lonely. (As do men.)

When they speak of the anguish of being single, they speak from a more empowered and self-responsible place than an incel. Meanwhile, incels unironically project onto women that they’re single because no one would choose them.

. . .

Choice

Or, the conversation might turn to Candace Owens, “Making my husband a sandwich…because that’s what a woman should do. Be in the kitchen, making her husband a sandwich when she’s nine months pregnant and barefoot.” Her viral clip spawned the “make him a sandwich” meme.

In a way, Owens couldn’t have picked a more apropos topic. Food preparation has traditionally had a menial version associated with women’s work, and a glamorous version — with a title, chef — considered men’s domain.

And her life is also an apropos example. Owens has an independent, high-profile career as a commentator, author, speaker, podcaster, and political figure. She actively works outside the home, maintains financial independence, and has professional autonomy.

Before 1900, women in the US couldn’t own property.
Before 1920, they couldn’t vote.
Employer discrimination against women was legal until 1964.
Before 1973 they weren’t able to serve on juries.
Before 1974 they couldn’t have a credit card in their own name.
In 1977 Harvard University finally accepted its first woman as an undergrad.

Owens actively benefits from legal protections against discrimination in employment, credit, housing, and public life — rights established by feminist and civil-rights movements.

She’s a fantastic example of personal choice for women. And what she’s chosen for herself is about as far from the Tradwife ethos as a woman can get.

My wife Ana likes to cook. Not an issue. I also cook. Not an issue. We’ve gone through periods when I’m the sole breadwinner, and times when she’s happily thriving in her career. Not an issue.

Someone telling Ana what she should do? That’s an issue. And that’s one of the big issues people had with Candace Owens’s sandwich clip.

. . .

I propose a solution

Now if the conversation descends into Andrew Tate or Pearl Davis territory, at that point I exit the conversation. There’s no reasoned debate for me to have with someone who espouses misogyny outright; we have different core values.

But for someone who earnestly believes they have women’s best interests in mind—and so many of us “good” men believe this about ourselves—while arguing for a return to traditional gender roles… I have one piece of advice, one solution.

No insulting women’s intelligence by claiming they were simply duped by society. We know better. No gaslighting women by implying grandma’s life was so great until feminism fucked it all up. An honest gut-check tells us this is BS. No feigned incapability; everyone knows men excel at mastering anything they want to do.

No criticizing women for choosing a rich full life of their own making over table scraps bestowed at a husband’s whim. The tradwife lifestyle has never not been readily available to anyone who wants it. And I wouldn’t fault anyone who chooses it for themselves.

It’s worth repeating: I find no fault in any couple for whom traditional roles are working out well. My wife and I fit the model in some ways, and in others we don’t, and it’s not an issue.

But if the topic is women opting out… the answer is simple. If you want more women to volitionally choose traditional roles, make those roles something more people would want.

Period.

If you’re not sure what that would look like… Hey, I’m no arbiter of what women want. I just figure sane intelligent mature adults making similar life choices to me might have similar motivations. If nothing else it’s a place to start. So what would make roles traditionally assigned to women compelling and appealing for you, personally? What would draw you to that life choice?

Here are some starter ideas to get the ball rolling.

Make housewife and stay-at-home mom into rockstar, chef-level careers. Six figures minimum, travel, health benefits, vacation, plenty of upward mobility, high job satisfaction.

Count homemakers’ labor toward Social Security. Give them retirement accounts. Have GDP calculations include domestic work.

Offer MBA equivalents and MacArthur Fellowship equivalents for this important arena of work.

Develop robust community support networks with real power — like unions or professional guilds — so caregivers can advocate collectively for their interests.

Treat homemakers as influential voices, follow them on the socials, celebrate them the way people celebrate Elon. Invite them to speak at city councils, in boardrooms, on the senate floor.

Treat them as community pillars, smart decision makers, trusted household leaders. Treat their work as valuable and their opinions as actionable. Make movies showcasing the valiant truth of their lives.

And give them better life partners. Spouses who share resources, share workload, share responsibility, don’t expect them to be any less than fully who they are, don’t try to curtail their freedom or autonomy, don’t act entitled to what’s not offered willingly, and aren’t emotional dependents.

You get the idea. Feel free to throw all this out and put in whatever would be on your list of what would make those roles highly desirable to you personally. Then ask yourself why you advocate for less for women.

Better yet, ask a woman in your life what she wants and when she tells you, listen. Trust and believe her over anything you read here.

Make roles traditionally assigned to women, desirable roles. Then we can see what their true level of desire is for those roles.

This might seem like a tall order, but that’s the point. From the moment it became legally and economically possible for women to opt out of the traditional wife role, the number of women who have done so—even given the cost—is a self-explanatory fact. It’s not a fluke. It’s not even a mystery.

So it’s time to confront that wanting a life for women that the majority of us men wouldn’t choose for ourselves—
a life that so many women communicate loud and clear through their life choices that they don’t want any more than we do—
a life it would certainly benefit men greatly for women to return to—
is misogyny.

Don’t scratch your head over why the offer is left on the table. Make a better offer.

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This post was previously published on Ken Blackman’s blog.

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