I have almost no male friends. Certainly none that I would be comfortable asking for friend-like things, from a ride somewhere to a physical or emotional problem. I do, however, have many female friends and I wouldn’t think twice about asking one of them for help with just about anything. What’s the difference? The answer is being friends with women makes me a better man.
Have you ever been nearby when a group of men are speaking? Age doesn’t really matter because the tendencies are almost always the same. In the conversation, there is no intimacy or support, there is no understanding or learning, there is only an exchange of facts and the innate competition that comes from being raised male in our culture. Listening to a group of women talking and you hear true intimacy. Concerns about family, health, and important elements of each other’s lives.
Having male friends then is simply an echo chamber for most men. Confucius said “If you’re the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.” This quote applies to this situation, not for smarts but for cultural change.
If you’re a traditional masculine male, having a plethora of male friends and spending time with them will provide you almost zero growth. Because each of those men has likely only ever really had male friends, a typical male isn’t going to find anything different. While it is certainly comfortable (and occasionally we all need a comfortable surrounding), it does not allow for any evolution.
There’s a form of psychotherapy called exposure therapy where exposure (either in great volume or in measured amounts) can cure the fear of something. You’re afraid of bats so you stand in a room with a bat or many bats. This is what I think many men need.
I think that many men spend time with so few women other than their SO that they don’t see how women relate to one another. They don’t observe how they care about each other’s lives or their families. They don’t see how women constantly offer to help each other with anything they can, small or large.
After I retired, I started playing cards with a group of ladies. The group has been around for more than 25 years with some folks moving in and out. My wife asked me to learn the games (primarily Bridge) and sub when there weren’t enough people. Most of the time when I sub, which is about 3 weeks out of every month, I’m the only male in the room (my exposure therapy). I have learned so much by observing how these women relate to one another. They know all about each other’s lives from kids to husbands to houses to ailments.
One of the biggest things I noticed is they don’t need to ask each other for help. When someone says, “I have an appointment next week and my husband is away” just about everyone jumps in and says I’ll go with you. Or when something is broken in their house, everyone offers their best handy-person to help. Or if someone is sick, the ladies are quick to organize everything from help around their house to meals. I’ve learned that this is their love language. About a year ago, they declared me an honorary woman. One of the happiest days I’ve had.
My wife goes on a girls’ weekend with her sorority sisters from college. Even though they all graduated 30 or 40 years ago, they are still close and know about each other. When they come back together each year, it’s like no time has gone by at all. The weekend has changed over time – the discussion has moved from babies to college kids and there’s less drinking than there once was – however, the relationships are as solid as the day they walked across the stage for graduation. I know of no male group in my 50+ years on this earth that can come close to the strength of these relationships.
It would be hard to measure my level of jealousy of this event using any conventional measure. It’s not simply that I should arrange a boys’ weekend. I know lots of guys that do this but it is never the same. Most men when together don’t talk about each other, their families, things that are important to them. They talk about the outcome of the latest football or baseball game, the new hot bartender at the local pub, a new power tool or car part they picked up, or which bourbon is better than the one they are holding in their hand. Once this level of conversation ends, the evening ends. There’s nothing more to talk about. Everything else is too personal, too close.
Women have made the journey from acquaintances to friends and to close friends. Not that men have to simply imitate women but we can learn from their journey. We can learn why it is easier for women to collaborate. Why are women simply closer than men? Why do women stay in touch with their friends year after year? Why do women help each other through good times and bad?
Wanna be a better man, befriend women and understand this journey.
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True on some general points. However, I as a man had to become & be willing to share real intimate & honest feelings. & I was able to find men I could trust & share with. Most of this is not in the “civilian, general world” I found it in more closed settings. Places that honor anonymity & trust. MKP is one place. some 12 step groups can be another. Yes women can be amazing friends too.
Thanks for articulating something I’ve felt for most of my adult life. I gravitate to friendships with women for exactly the reasons you state. It puzzles me why so many people think that men and women can’t be true friends. My closest friends (besides my wife) are two women I met through a writers circle over a decade ago. They are the best friends I’ve ever had. My wife knows them all; we sometimes have dinner or coffee as a group with their spouses. Their husbands rarely engage me in conversation.
Wow, thanks Mark. I am blown away! My first reaction was “Well this is really sad for guys.” Then you made me think about my life, and I thought, “Oh shit, I’ve had women friends, but that was years ago.” Now that I’m partnered with a wonderful woman, this does not feel as tenable as when I was a single guy. But the reality is that I am often frustrated by the guys in the family, and feel close to the women. But where to go from here? That’s the tricky part.
Hi Victor. I get your point. My wife of 40 years has a large family, and I’ve always felt closer to the women than the men. At gatherings, after the football game or dinner, I always gravitate to the table where the women are conversing. My suggestion to you is, just do that. Gravitate. No need to make a point of it, and don’t worry about what anyone might think. If your partner, or, I suspect, the other guys, comment on it, just say that you liked the conversation (isn’t that the truth?). You don’t need to justify yourself. (I… Read more »
Victor — Part of why I wrote this is that I don’t know where we go from here. I was hoping a smart reader such as yourself could help me figure it out. Solving the problem completely requires a cultural change in men that I think will take generations. So, where do we go from here today? I don’t know. I just know I’m going to keep going to bridge club.