Depending on how many marriage bootcamps, courses, seminars, or counseling sessions; have been a part of your learning curve, it seems like nothing prepares us for those inevitable breakdowns we often face in our relationships.
Depending on how long you have been with your partner there is a good chance that someone is silently changing their viewpoint and/or perspective on life. Change is constant.
Nothing can remain stagnant in any area of our lives for too long. Given the nature that we as humans sleep collectively and wake individually; our hierarchical needs of safety, security, love, belonging, esteem, and recognition will forever remain at the forefront of our existence.
At some point in our relationship the love for one another will wane, preferences will change (Likes vs Dislikes), and the kids will begin to get older. Many individuals change zip codes, cars, go back to school, lean in more towards their faith and find interest-based groups that share their desires for existence.
You may have credit card debt, student loans, a hard time finding a great job, mental health issues and most importance a difference in perspectives about this post-pandemic.
All of the above is Ok. As long as our viewpoint can reflect situations are happening for our good; and that God is not asleep at the wheel patience and self -love then becomes the context for navigating the uncomfortable pangs of emotional distance.
So, what do you do? You tell your emotions how to feel.
How did I do it. I thought about my past life, embraced a new philosophy for living and read What if? By Randall Munroe as part of my ongoing process. Here’s a summary of what came of those inner conversations.
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Think Past Life
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As a believer in past life experiences, it’s an amazing assertion to think that somehow, I could have been a brain surgeon in my past life. Or maybe I was a Buddhist priest living in Southern California growing cannabis. You get my point.
I get that it’s a stretch for you to consider anything past life when making sense of these; antisocial, apathetic, callous, and confrontational tropes in America is a struggle.
There are countless books and resources on the idea of “Past Life”, if you place these words in the search engine on google. Nevertheless, “Past Life” research is more about giving yourself room to navigate the unrequited Love.
Maybe you care for someone who doesn’t care for you in the same way. Next, the false beliefs begin to surface. Such as…….
We aren’t together because I’m not good enough.
This person is the only one for me.
In addition, you may fear, revealing your love or being rejected by the beloved and losing access to them. Hang tight I am going somewhere with all of this!
My context of past life comes as an individual who has been in a relationship for 19 years as a late-stage millennial (41) with an old soul. Yes, I am an anomaly, with thousands of questions about the breadth of it all; when you consider 72% of millennials make a conscious decision to be single.
While on this Journey I came across Ariel Quinn who wrote a phenomenal piece on herway.com titled “15 Intriguing Signs You Have Met Your Past Life Soulmate”.
In a few starting ways you will learn that a multitude of scenarios could be possible surrounding the tension in your relationships. She mentions that sometimes “Separated souls could be conjoining once again”.
Now, that would be super uncomfortable to know and not to know that we have ties from a previous life for which we have unfinished business to solve. I get it sounds super weird and off basis given you framework. And again, that’s ok because these are just words and great ideas are often found in the unlikeliest of places.
Here are a few questions I want you to ponder. Did you and your partner spend your childhood doing the same things? Do you share the same traumatic experiences?
Again, it’s about opening yourself up to multiple viewpoints. It’s about not allowing the fog of the moment to kill all possibility. I will say that I am fan of peaceful marriages. I will admit some relationships are just too toxic for cooperation.
That’s why through “Past Life” research you can come up with this sort of utopian philosophy for fixing your present relationships or navigating the uncharted waters of dating in your 30’s, 40’s or 50’s. If love is what we want love is what we will get.
Read What If? By Randall Munroe
I am specifically referencing pg. 23 of “What If? that deals with “Soul Mates”. It starts off with this “What If” quote by Benjamin Staffin that says “What if everyone actually had only one soulmate, a random person somewhere in the world.
Could you imagine reading this quote your freshman year in college before your emotions began doing jumping jacks? Randall Munroe says that we all could possibly have one potential soul mate out of 100 billion souls that will pass through this earth at some point in our existence.
What about love at first sight? Are we as humans so caught up in the moment that we actually miss out on what could be? I am not suggesting remaining a virgin or even celibate until your 35th or 40th birthday when you finally decide that he/she is the one.
I am not even suggesting getting married at a later date because in our heart of hearts we know that the person we are with is not our soul mate. In all honesty how will we know when our soul mate shows up? What are the signs?
What is the theological, philosophical, astrological, or social proof that we are currently with our soul mate or that we have missed them altogether? In Randall Munroe’s “What IF?” he states that we have about half a billion matches to choose from if we actually run the numbers.
Given Gender, Culture, Age, Sexual Orientation, Religion and Language how in the world can I breakdown this notion of soul mate without that in depth exploration. Could a half Asian half black 44-year-old college professor who loves blueberry Danishes, practices Buddhism, speaks French, loves black film, and drives a Black Rolls Royce be my soul mate?
Nobody wants to die alone and finding your life partner may sometimes take 2–3 marriages 6 kids, and a passport that is stamped with postages from 25 different countries.
Finding love is an endless search and your current marriage could be the lessons you need for when your soul mate shows up. Ahh the sweet smell of destiny.
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Try Philosophy
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When it comes to understanding your marriage or relationships; try using a philosophical approach towards shedding light on the disconnect. I am sure you have known exactly what the term philosophy means; but here is the actual definition of philosophy.
Philosophy (from the Greek: philosophia, ‘love of wisdom’) is the systematized study of general and fundamental questions, such as those about existence, reason, knowledge, values, mind, and language. In other words, question everything you know to be true about your marriage.
Questions like; What value does our relationship add to the world? Why do we seem to argue profusely around June & July the most? What is the definition of Marriage & is it for everyone? Does love at first sight exist? Is Karma real? Who was I in my past life?
Philosophical questioning is more about becoming self-aware of things we never considered to think about. I was always taught that when Emotions are high intelligence is low; and often when marriage find its way towards that breaking point emotions tend to usurp logic.
· What are you passionate about? Or what inspires you?
· How would you describe your ideal life?
· What elements or values do your passions and ideal life have in common?
These Questions are also ideal and yet, a philosophy course is never included in the premarital counseling package right before the big day. Creating a philosophical approach is something to think about if you have exhausted all of your available resources.
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Read What If? By Randall Munroe
I am specifically referencing pg. 23 of “What If? that deals with “Soul Mates”. It starts off with this “What If” quote by Benjamin Staffin that says “What if everyone actually had only one soulmate, a random person somewhere in the world.
Could you imagine reading this quote your freshman year in college before your emotions began doing jumping jacks? Randall Munroe says that we all could possibly have one potential soul mate out of 100 billion souls that will pass through this earth at some point in our existence.
What about love at first sight? Are we as humans so caught up in the moment that we actually miss out on what could be? I am not suggesting remaining a virgin or even celibate until your 35th or 40th birthday when you finally decide that he/she is the one.
I am not even suggesting getting married at a later date because in our heart of hearts we know that the person we are with is not our soul mate. In all honesty how will we know when our soul mate shows up? What are the signs?
What is the theological, philosophical, astrological, or social proof that we are currently with our soul mate or that we have missed them altogether? In Randall Munroe’s “What IF?” he states that we have about half a billion matches to choose from if we actually run the numbers.
Given Gender, Culture, Age, Sexual Orientation, Religion and Language how in the world can I breakdown this notion of soul mate without that in depth exploration. Could a half Asian half black 44-year-old college professor who loves blueberry Danishes, practices Buddhism, speaks French, loves black film, and drives a Black Rolls Royce be my soul mate?
Nobody wants to die alone and finding your life partner may sometimes take 2–3 marriages 6 kids, and a passport that is stamped with postages from 25 different countries.
Finding love is an endless search and your current marriage could be the lessons you need for when your soul mate shows up. Ahh the sweet smell of destiny.
…
What Counts in Making a Happy Marriage is not so much how compatible You are but How You Deal with Incompatibility” ~ Leo Tolstoy
Closing Thoughts
When we hear the word “marriage” it creates this iconic notion of oneness. The bride and groom, wedding bliss, children, family, home, food, vacation, and the proverbial questions surrounding soul mate. Having grandparents that were married for 50 years including 18 children; granted me an opportunity to explore what it really means to be married.
Many of us are married to our work, careers, businesses, faith, lifestyles, children, addictions, self-indulgences, and specific trains of thought. As a late stage 41-year-old millennial (as I mentioned earlier) I am finding out the hard way what the term “marriage” actually means.
In my philosophical renderings I am capitulating a new world around connectivity. Did I want to get married? No. Not because I didn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage but more so of how I seen my parents’ marriage play out.
Yes, my parents go divorced when I was age 11 and I was never able to rectify why my emotions never settled into this new democratic idea of self. The detachment from living with my father hardened my heart.
I was spoiled and wanted to see my mom and dad in the same home. I bring up my childhood renderings to showcase how these unresolved issues can often show up in our adult marriages.
Divorce created distance in my emotional state and in my ability; to see the importance in opening my heart to love. Remember the phrase “Wham bam thank you ma’am” well when it came to my love language that was king.
I never wanted to be cordial, spend time, get to know someone, date, walk in the park, and truly feel the essence of the other person’s story or frame of reference. This distorted and emotionally driven viewpoint has tainted and destroyed a few powerful relationships in my life.
Since then, I never was able to find common ground given this utopian idea of marriage. For the record I am part of the Uranus in Scorpio generation (1974–1981); in which we are tasked with changing traditions in the areas of transformation, privacy, and sex. It’s about breaking rules when it comes to sexuality.
The last time checked sex is a major part of any relationship let alone marriage. Sex was my “Achilles heel” in all of my relationships. Intimacy never played a role in any “What If” scenarios. What if I fall in love and she dumps me? What it I commit to someone who wants time, money, and attention, all of which I needed?
And to this day it was in these experiences that gave me the revelation around sidestepping my outdated viewpoints, building my own philosophical premise for embracing emotional maturity and thinking about who I was in my past life. All three scenarios create this eye-popping revelation about “Nothing Just Happens”
You may feel stuck as it relates to your marriage or relationships but tell your emotions how to feel. “Never throw the baby out with the bath water”. I have learned that these uncomfortable spaces can become the catalyst for personal growth and development.
The easy route is to drink yourself through the disillusionment, have an affair, create more drama than necessary, get a divorce, seek therapy, separate for a while, or tap into our spiritual centers. Not everyone will be equipped to rationalize the situation properly especially when it involves children.
Let the gaping hole build character and redefine your motivation for living. Allow a new space of creativity to emerge. Rebuild your new sense of self and personal identity. I am with you that we can sometimes loose ourselves in building up others. Identity is important.
I will leave you with this.
Take a step back and learn how to take regret and use it as a catalyst for change, says Olga Khazan writer for “The Atlantic” and host of “How to Start Over Podcast”. It’s easy to walk away from difficult emotional states when you feel there is no support system to support the transition.
The growth comes when the universe won’t allow you an easy out. Many people fail in their emotional development because they get bailed out and never learn how to process those changes. Allow the distance to create a new you in the process.
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This post was previously published on blkpostr.medium.com.
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White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
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