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Now that “some” time has passed for several of the men outted in the first waves of the #metoo era, quite a few are beginning to look at a potential path back to work. Louis CK took the stage for the first time in around nine months, Matt Lauer is considering his return to television and Mario Batali is doing the same. In a recent tweet in support of Louis CK, comedian Michael Ian Black queried about the path to redemption. It got me thinking,
“When has enough time passed?”
And, more poignantly,
“What needs to be done for someone to actually be redeemed?”
I always look to personal responsibility and accountability for my measure of what actions need to happen to rectify a situation.
Taking personal responsibility involves these first two steps:
Acknowledging what was done and demonstrating your understanding of the effect on the other person. It is not enough to say “I’m sorry” along with some pre-meditated, formal statement. Actually saying the words: “I exposed myself to women who did not want that,” “I sexually harassed and abused women,” or “I threatened women with being locked out of Hollywood if they didn’t comply with my desires,” and whatever else was the case, has to happen first.
Once the action has been acknowledged, the effect on the other person needs to be acknowledged as well. “What I did caused you great harm and distress,” “I have caused you to not trust men,” “your post-traumatic stress is a result of what I did to you,” etc.
The thing that will indeed make the difference is when the other person gets the sense that you honestly feel, or can understand the feeling of, something close to what she/he experienced.
Accountability is the next step. What are you going to promise from here on out? It may be something like: “I promise to be a champion for women’s rights,” or “I promise to call others out when I see similar behavior,” or perhaps “I promise to donate 20% of my income to a women’s shelter.” You could even ask, “What else would make the difference for you in the future?”
This new promise indicates that you are committed to correcting the wrong that was done. Without this step, an apology is quite empty. It is the equivalent of my ten-year-old saying “sorry” for not washing his hands, and then continuing to not wash his hands again and again.
Once responsibility and accountability have been addressed, asking for forgiveness is next. This is the most gracious step in redeeming yourself.
Gracious, because it takes a lot of courage to acknowledge what has been done, the effect you have caused, to make promises to correct it and to ask, humbly, for forgiveness. They may or may not forgive you, but your willingness to ask completes the circle.
The final and most impactful step towards redemption is: Do what you said you were going to do! Go out into the world and fulfill on the new promise you made.
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