When Even Your Therapist Cancels Out on You

It was supposed to be a big day.

First therapy session ever.

I had finally done it. Booked it. Committed to it. Even reserved one of those glass meeting rooms in the office — the kind with just enough light to feel exposed, and just enough silence to hear yourself overthink. It felt grown-up. Serious. Brave, even.

I was pacing like someone about to make a sales pitch to their own feelings. I had rehearsed the opening line a few times. Not out loud. Just in my head. Something casual like, “I don’t know where to start, but I am not okay.” Dramatic? Maybe. But I was going for honesty here.

Then she cancelled.

A kind, apologetic message. Valid reason. Definitely valid. Personal emergency. Totally understandable.

But still, the message reads like a punchline delivered too early.

“Sorry, something happened. Can we reschedule?”

And I thought, “Of course. Your thing sounds important.”

But also, deep down, another voice whispered, “Maybe even your therapist doesn’t want to talk to you.”

It’s not a fair feeling. But feelings rarely are.

So I sat in my bed at 4:30 AM staring at my untouched cup of hot water like it owed me something. I had scheduled this breakdown. Blocked my calendar. Turned down a team call. Told no one.

I didn’t expect a miracle. But I expected someone to show up for me today.

Well, we don’t always need answers. Just someone who stays when we finally let it fall apart.

Maybe it wasn’t a sign. Maybe the universe isn’t personal. Surely she did have an emergency.

But when you’re hanging on by threadbare hope, even a rescheduled meeting feels like rejection.

So in the noon I went to that room and stayed there for the whole hour. Didn’t cry. Didn’t talk. Just sat there, watching the episodes of ‘The Office’.

And this is how my first session went after all.

Just me, my anxiety, the two episodes of ‘The Office’, and a calendar invite that didn’t get fulfilled.

But I showed up. And yes for me that counts.

Day 82/100

FES, Galleria

~ A

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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