The modern-day trope of friendships would have us believe that friendships make our lives whole, that everyone has a significant ride-or-die group of friendships, that friends will always have your back and that friendships are forever. I will not argue with the first — we need a range of close social connections to have a meaningful and rich life. The rest however? Myths.
Some people have solid groups of friends, some have scattered individual pockets. Sometimes friends will have your back, and other times, they will be unable to give you all the support you need. Sometimes friendships are forever, and at other times they end — just as we change and move jobs and end relationships with intimate partners. The friendship break-up is an especially difficult one to navigate. We have no templates for it. Most adults will likely know how to end an intimate relationship or how to resign from a job with grace and dignity intact. These are culturally enshrined rites of passage. With friendships, we have the till-death-do-us-apart end (i.e., no end at all) or the screaming match, the cold shoulder and split friendship groups. There are no templates around ending friendships in a healthy, well-articulated and respectful manner.
With the end of an intimate relationship, people come flocking to us to provide support and we often turn to our friends for care and debriefing. We all know what the word ‘breakup’ means and how to respond to it, with care, patience and chocolate.
When a friendship ends, it is more a fraying rope than a sudden snap, and we are left wondering why it ended, how to end it, and how to process the end.
. . .
Why end a friendship?
A good question, surely we cannot have too many friends?
Actually, we probably can, given the finite time and resources most adults have. Friendships end for a range of reasons — we change and realise we are looking for different things from our companions, they change, someone moves away, someone is mean to someone, people become busy and de-prioritise the friendship or people are on different pages about what the friendship means (think: one person wants to be best friends and see the other person daily, while the second person has less time and prefers to maintain a broader social group). It is probably easy when both parties drift or one person moves away — friendships will naturally change and loosen, to allow the new distance. The problem arises when one person notices this more than the other and hurt feelings arise.
Snap vs drift?
The friendship drift can keep us in a holding pattern with someone, as we drift in ever-widening circles, with occasional bumps against the other or vague promises to “catch up soon”. The drift is great when we genuinely like someone but circumstances are conspiring to create distance between us (grad school, new babies and jobs). It is probably ok to allow this pattern to sit until the currents of life can draw us together, and perhaps to gently name the pattern to the other person meanwhile (“hey, I haven’t had as much time for you lately as I have in the past and I am very sorry about this, but I value having you in my life”).
Sometimes though, someone hurts someone else, or you realise that you genuinely have nothing in common with a person anymore and want to end the friendship instead of lingering in an awkward holding pattern — where the other person still wants to be friends and you find yourself needing to say no often. In this instance, it may be kinder in the long-term and less awkward to put a full-stop at the end of the friendship.
Some questions to ask yourself before you end a friendship.
Do you need to end the friendship at this point, or can you titrate the intensity of the friendship down?
Is this a knee-jerk reaction to hurt feelings, or a decision that has been brewing for a while? If it is a response to hurt feelings, then it is likely to be far more helpful to say something honestly to your friend instead of withdrawing by ending the friendship.
What factors have caused or led to the space that the friendship is in? It may not be helpful to share this with the other person, but is essential for your own growth and learning to understand the trajectory of the friendship.
Do you want the friendship to end, or just for something to change within it?
How would you like to feel when the friendship ends? What do you need to say to them? What is best kept to yourself? What are you trying to make space for in your life?
. . .
How to end a friendship.
Consider.
Consider the questions I noted above, as well as whether you need to say something to the other person. If there is a mutual drift or withdrawal, then it is likely enough (and sometimes kinder) to allow this to happen instead of having a serious conversation. However, if one person is still holding tight, then you will need to think carefully about what you would like to say, and when.
If you want something within the friendship to change, then say so, much as you would to a partner (“hey, I have noticed that you don’t text me back for days sometimes and I feel hurt, can we talk about this?”). Otherwise, consider carefully how much you want to say about your decision (now is not the time to bring up the litany of wrongs someone has done to you, unless you want to leave the friendship looking and feeling like a real jerk) and how to say it. If there was an especially big or hurtful incident that has led to the end, this is probably an appropriate time to share this. Consider your part in the end, and be prepared to own it. Relationships of all kinds always take two people. Write your spiel down. Practice saying it to yourself. Having this conversation will be nerve-wracking. We can do hard things.
Share and thank.
Talk to the other person. Use the format that seems most suitable and respectful; face-to-face, phone, text or letter. Give the person space to respond if they need. State clearly that you have valued the friendship (assuming this is truthful that is) but that you cannot continue your contact any longer. It can be helpful to provide some brief reasons why — especially if the friendship was a long one. People can often become defensive or angry and it can be helpful to place yourself in their shoes if this occurs and think about how you might have felt in their position. Equally however, abuse, aggression or coercion are never okay, no matter how distraught someone might be.
Be clear about the things they have given you that you value and thank them for these, as well as how you would like to act if you see them again (especially important if there are mutual friends involved).
Grieve.
Be sad. Even if you did choose to end the friendship (or have had it done to you), it is a loss no less sad than the loss of any other key relationship. Allow yourself some time to process and feel the sadness or anger.
Express it to neutral people (not mutual friends), write/draw/journal. Seek support. Don’t use social media to keep tabs on your friend and give yourself a period of no contact before you try and see them in a neutral space (such as with mutual friends). Remember that your friend brought you much that was valuable, and that sometimes people can be in our lives for seasons — instead of for a lifetime.
—
This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
***
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Unsplash