From the very beginning, I believe I have had a different way of being in the world. I felt things differently than many other people around me. I could feel vibrations and energy from people. I have always known very quickly who to fear and to what extent to fear them. I came from a home where children were to be seen and not heard. Little girls were meant to be pretty and shown off, but to never have a voice. In addition, every man that was a friend of my father’s was to be respected and called uncle. Affection towards these men was demanded out of respect in the form of overly long hugs and unwarranted kisses.
It seems innocent enough, the hugs and kisses. However, when you can actually feel the energy from another person it instills a fear that resonates to the core. When you know the beer soaked breathe approaching you has other intentions, if given the opportunity, you being to shrink. In those moment you begin to live your life in a state of fear. It was in those moments when I first learned to disconnect from myself in fear of what could come next.
I lost my faith in God which made me feel as if I were living a lie as I trotted off to Catholic school. If God were real, how could he allow a child to live in such fear? How could he allow a child to feel so small? If God were real, how could he have forgotten about me?
It was not until I was in my late teen years that I learned of God’s existence. He came to me in the form of forgiveness. It was in the moment when I was given the opportunity to forgive someone who was never sorry. I had a choice to forgive my father for years of torment or continue life hating him and God. I chose forgiveness. At the time of forgiving my father, what I did not know was he would die shortly after. I was given an opportunity for forgiveness not for the benefit of my father, but for me.
As I navigated life I began to trust those energies and vibrations more and more. I discovered there was a plan for me all along. I needed to learn to live in fear so I would know how to help others be brave. I needed to learn what it was like to be silenced so I could help others find their voice. I needed to learn what it felt like to be small and weak so I could help others learn to be strong. I needed to learn how it felt to be abandoned so I could help others learn they are not alone. I needed to learn what it felt like to want to die in order to help others find their will to live. I needed to learn how to feel unloved so I could help others learn to love themselves.
I am grateful for my lessons everyday. Those lessons paired with an understanding of energies and vibrations are the foundation of my purpose in life. Seems God never abandoned me afterall.
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Photo by Ravi Roshan on Unsplash