When I Saw That First Smile

I knew I wanted a baby when I saw how sweet and how much fun it could be. I spent time with my sister when she had her son. She could soothe him so quickly. When he was hungry, she fed him, and he was happy and sleeping again. As her son grew, I was able to make him smile and giggle.

It wasn’t until eight years later, at 35, that I finally got the chance to have a baby, I was so excited, and the pregnancy went so well, with minimal problems. Only some sleeping problems for me at the end, but otherwise, it was enjoyable. I loved being pregnant. I loved all the moving and kicking my baby did. I felt I was bonding with him and couldn’t wait to meet him. I was even ready to go through labor after we took our Lamaze classes. So, when my water broke, I figured it was time, and I was ready. Unfortunately, I didn’t go into labor as planned. Instead, I had to stay at the hospital, wait for an open room, and then be induced, which took much longer than expected.

Me with my son at 18 months

When our son was finally born two days later, we were so relieved, he was healthy, and I felt I was ready to breastfeed him as I had been reading about it. It took a while to get going, but he finally latched on, and it was just as I had planned. What I didn’t plan was for him to scream the way he did, clearly in pain. I thought for sure it was my fault that my breast milk was bad, and he couldn’t have it. I later found out he had acid reflux, as many babies do, and they need to stay upright after eating, so they will be in pain if you lie them down flat. So, we had to keep him in his car seat when he slept to keep him from screaming. I felt so awful and was blaming myself. I thought I had done something wrong or that it was because I overate when I was pregnant. I was losing sleep over it and becoming anxious. I had no idea how common his acid reflux was. I was having a hard time accepting that he would have to sleep like that. I also had a hard time sleeping. He woke up every two hours to be changed and then fed. Those two hours went by so fast; it felt like I hadn’t slept at all. At one point, I decided to stay up instead as I hated that feeling of being woken up after so little sleep. That was not a good idea. I quickly became sleep-deprived, and I couldn’t catch up as I could years ago in college. I wasn’t 21 anymore. I needed every bit of sleep I could get to take care of him.

Photo by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

It wasn’t until he was about six weeks old when I was at a breaking point. One day I was so frustrated and couldn’t think at all what to do when he cried. I realized I was confused and needed help. I called my husband to come home from work and told him I needed help; I needed something. He didn’t like how unclear I was as he needed to go back to work, but I didn’t know how to explain it. I was feeling lost. He let his family and our friends know that I needed help, and my doctor said it was probably just baby blues. The doctor gave me an anti-depressant, and said I will feel better, but I was not convinced. I thought it was something physically wrong with me like I was anemic or had some infection.

I had read a little about baby blues, but this wasn’t what I was feeling. I didn’t have much appetite either, so that didn’t help as I knew I needed to eat better to keep my son healthy while breastfeeding. It wasn’t until we found a wonderful psychiatrist through our family doctor who knew how to help me understand that I had postpartum anxiety and was severely sleep-deprived. She was also a therapist and introduced me to the “Circle of Concern.” She put me on medication for anxiety and a sleep aid until my sleep was back to some normalcy. But the “Circle of Concern” and regular therapy sessions, where I learned about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, helped me get back to where I needed to be.

My drawing of the Circle of Concern

It wasn’t that much longer after this, maybe a few weeks when I felt so much better. And then the best thing of all happened. I was changing my son one day, and he smiled. He smiled so big and even showed a dimple which I didn’t realize he had, which made me smile, which made him smile more, and I just melted. I was smiling so much; I was almost crying. It’s a moment I can’t help but get teary-eyed now after twenty years.

It was the moment I knew I could do this. I could do this mama thing. That look he gave me was happy and trusting and saying, “I know you! I’m so happy you are here! So happy you are my mama, you can do this!”

My son and I when he was 5.

—

This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.

***

From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence