Two years ago while vacationing in Iceland with my girlfriend, Free, we got to talking about relationships. Our flight landed very early that morning. I’m the type that prefers to waste little time, and head out to explore the place. But a a nap was top on her list of priorities. This was my second visit to that magnificent country, so I was cool with Free’s suggestion.
Before going to sleep we had a bonding session. It had been months since we’d had one back in New York City. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but it soon turned to romance. Familiar with the intimate details of my failed marriage, she’s one of the few people for whom my dating life is an open book.
At that point, I’d been divorcée a pinch over five years. And though I’d had a few flings (mostly casual sex, sporadic dating), I must have given her the impression that I’d given up on finding real love. Free’s observation caught me off guard.
“Girl, you’re gonna get married again. I can feel it.”
I wasn’t as convinced as she was. But in all honesty, I wasn’t exactly losing sleep over the subject either.
***
An Un-marked Anniversary
Just last month saw the passing of my seventh year anniversary, and I noticed the strangest thing — the day came and went without my marking the date.
Wait….what?
The reason it struck me was that my divorce was finalized on 18 September (2014). That’s the same day as my favorite nephew’s (Kevin’s) birthday. Naturally, that special day remains etched in my mind. But, it too used to be a day of painful reflection.
Somehow this year my brain failed to make the connection. A few days later, writing a poem about healing, it hit me:
Lola, you completely forgot the divorce anniversary!
Slowly the corners of my mouth slightly turned up. Realizing the emotional and psychological breakthrough (this time without a therapist’s guidance) was huge. Finally, the burden was lifted — my heart was ready to love again.
***
New Love
Going through my phone’s gallery a few days ago, I came across a picture we’d taken that November day, our first in Iceland. Sweet memories filled my mind: walking the colorful streets of Reykjavik, window shopping, admiring the eclectic murals, and simply taking in the sheer beauty.
Something else was going through my head as I reminisced about that trip. Recently I met a man with whom a romance is blossoming. Hearing his voice brings butterflies to my stomach. He’s an artist, so has a very colorful way of articulating his thoughts — he’s very poetic. And there’s never any shortage of laughter when we connect.
Ahhhhhh, the bliss of new love.
During one of our conversations, the subject of marriage arose. We’re both divorced. Just when I expressed uncertainty over re-marrying, I could hear Free’s voice softly whispering over my shoulder — “Of course you will, Lola.”
Neither of us dwelled much on the topic that night, but I’ve thought about it a bit these past few days. Does it matter if I re-marry? Am I afraid of potentially having another failed marriage? Isn’t it OK to just want a healthy, loving, and lasting relationship?
***
Reasons or Excuses?
Curious to dig deeper, I found this Mind Body Green article on being marriage-averse. Among reasons listed:
- career-focused priorities
- painful prior divorce
- preference for polyamorous relationship
- marriage as a patriarchal institution
- unnecessary societal expectation
Obviously, there are diverse reasons for not wanting to tie the knot. We are individuals, and what works for one couple might prove disastrous for another. And we shouldn’t overlook the reality that society sets unrealistic expectations. When we allow ourselves to conform at all costs, there’s great potential for disappointment and unhappiness.
What one person considers a valid reason, another might call an excuse.
***
Personal Choice
The topic of marriage, whether it’s the first time or otherwise, is a subjective matter. A multitude of factors come into play: emotional maturity, financial stability, societal/cultural expectations, companionship, cohabitation, convenience, and so much more.
But shouldn’t the first of these be love?
I can’t say definitively that I won’t ever re-marry. I don’t know where this journey leads. For now, I’m content basking in the beauty of it all. What I can say unequivocally is that I’m keeping Rumi’s words front and center in my heart:
Whatever happens, just keep smiling and lose yourself in love
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
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