When Men Do All the Right Things With the Wrong Women

Just take it slow.

I’ve lost track of how many times my mother (and other people) have used this line.

Frankly, she has no clue what she’s talking about. I tend not to listen to her relationship advice because she hasn’t had good relationships and is single and alone right now.

Sure, slowing down does make sense — to someone whose mind is not running hot from testosterone and lust. Take it slow? Easier said when you’re not in the midst of a new connection with a beautiful woman you’re attracted to.

Taking it slow is not some magic rule that just “makes everything fall into place.”

Men don’t fall into traps with the wrong women because they’re rushing things. It happens because they ignore red flags. Taking it slow won’t help if you’re obtuse, naive, or plain stubborn to the warning signs.

The other day I was watching a video on YouTube while I ironed my clothing. The popular dating newsletter Girls Chase has a channel run by Hector, titled: Take it Slow With Girls You Want as a Girlfriend? No, That’s Dumb.

I’ve known this for a long time, but for a minute I was worried I had put out the wrong advice in my most recent article, Men: Being too Available Is Ruining Your Success with Women after I watched this video.

I was worried because there were a few lines of advice that might be misconstrued, and it’s worth deconstructing them and pointing out what I really meant.

Speed isn’t the enemy

“You must set a solid, predictable, and sustainable foundation to enjoy these things later on and be more certain that these behaviors are a good use of your time.”

Translation: This was about saying “no” to small things that can snowball into bigger commitments. Like accepting friend requests or chatting for hours on the phone. Move fast at the appropriate pace that you and her can keep up with. If it makes sense to be boyfriend and girlfriend after a month, go for it.

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“You can escalate with women, but you cannot de-escalate.”

Translation: If you skip the right steps in the dating process you will trip over your own haste. From experience, it’s difficult to recover from. For example, if you start revealing all your past relationship troubles on the second date, thinking you’re both a “thing” now, she’s going to feel overwhelmed. Whereas, if you wait until you’ve grown more accustomed to each other, and you gradually discuss exes or past relationships, it’s a more natural experience.

“If you keep saying yes to everything, texting all the time, asking for commitment after a month, or saying ‘I love you’ after week two, you’re creating a baseline that you won’t be able to keep up long term.”

Translation: There’s not really a “right” or “wrong” time for any of these things. Though, I wouldn’t recommend saying “I love you” to someone you just met, no matter how much you feel it’s true. While no one can argue your feelings, using those words on someone you just met tends to… scare people away.

Trust me. A girl said that to me after a few weeks and I was like “Nope. I’m outta here.”

Move fast, but don’t disregard your own boundaries just to prove something to her.

“You just have to know how to say ‘no’ to women a little more often and set limits with yourself.”

Translation: Don’t be overly cautious with women. Setting limits doesn’t mean you have to go slow. Limits (boundaries) are meant to protect you. And they serve a useful purpose for what you are okay with.

But boundaries can get out of hand.

For example, you might have a rule against having sex with a girl on the first date, perhaps to protect yourself against disease, pregnancy or other issues. But what if those challenges have been taken care of, and you’re both ready?

When a connection can happen instantaneously, what exactly are those rules protecting you from?

If the chemistry is there and the mutual attraction undeniable, a rigid set of boundaries could mean missing out on something real.

I’m not advocating for rushing into sex, commitment, or love on the first date “just because.” But life is short.

If the right precautions are taken and you’re dating the right woman, and she’s keeping pace, there is absolutely no reason to wait around.

Here’s why “going slow” is a ridiculous idea

Over-committing, over-investing, or rushing the process with people who don’t deserve your time are the problems. To reiterate, it’s pure negligence.

It’s all about who you’re moving with. Speed doesn’t matter. You can wait weeks, months, or years AND still ignore the red flags.

So what happens is, guys do the right things with the wrong women, get burned, and then think, “Shit, guess I better take it slower next time.”

The thought process is “If I take it slow, I will have time to make the right choices and properly vet her.” Trust me on this. I’ve gone “slow” with a few girls and they still ended up being completely toxic!

As for Hector’s been coaching men for years.

He’s seen it all. He charges men thousands of dollars to get coaching from him. So he knows what he’s talking about. And he emphasizes that “playing it safe” or going slow with women you are “serious” with NEVER works.

Being timid, hesitant, or dragging your feet with women is not attractive. And if you’re reluctant to initiate physical touch, kissing, sex, or commitment when it’s presented, you will miss further opportunities.

In short, you’re not gaining ANYTHING from being fearful or overly cautious with the right women at the right time.

He does make it clear that it’s not about being slow but being a good judge of character. While filtering or vetting partners is outside of the scope of this article, you can read more about it here:

While I don’t have the same experience as Hector, I can speak from personal experience.

Moving fast has always worked for me. Not all the time, but success doesn’t come without failure. I slept with the girl on the first date who would later go on to be my fiancé.

After that night, I was seeing her nearly every night for weeks. Being with her was a decision I didn’t overthink. The relationship didn’t last forever, but she was the right person for me at that time of my life.

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A few final thoughts,

When a woman gives you clear signs she’s ready to progress to more than chit-chat, take the opportunity!

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Think about it, are you on a date to have a nice conversation and meet a friend? Or are you out there to make love? The choice is yours, but regardless, if you fail to act on those opportunities, it will be quite difficult to recover from.

And you can make the right moves and take initiative without being needy or weird. You don’t even have to be all that smart, just socially aware of the connection between you and her.

So if she fits your criteria, reciprocates your energy, and is keeping pace, move quickly.

But if she is dragging her feet the whole time or is unsure, she might not be ready or she’s just not the right fit.

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